Collages of Love

CHAPTER TWO

I feel his soft fingers trailing up my leg, leaving a path of saluting hairs, leaving me confused and wanting. Wanting him to start again or moving on..hoping he goes where I want him to go, where a volcano is slowly hissing, coming to life.

” You have beautiful toes Sarah”

“No I don’t” I said blushing.

He comes in and captured my already swollen lips. I gasped for air as I know what this means. I know I’m going to be loved and I’m not even sure if I love him. All I know is that I fell in love with my sister’s fiance.

I wake up with a start, soaking wet and heaving for air. Oh my god, will the guilt ever go away. Will I ever stop thinking of that fateful day. Will the rest ever become just another part of life. Will I ever forget my mother’s word’s and more importantly, her word’s that followed.

I slowly became aware of my surroundings. For a minute I wished I was in my sunny loft apartment, unfinished paintings posed on aisles, coffee brewing and it’s aroma spilling into every crevice of the place I call home.

But sadly I was in my old room, the surroundings bringing back an onslaught of memories. Memories that brings back so much pain, so much guilt. If only I didn’t. I became aware of the laughter and chatter downstairs and I heard someone calling my name.

I hear Cindy running up the stairs calling my name. For a minute I close my eyes, run my hands through my hair and wish I could forgive myself, just one time, just once so that I can look my sister in the eyes and show her the love I have for her. I can’t even muster that!  It would have been so much better had she hated me, dear God!

Sarah! Guess what!! His parents are coming, oh my god, what do I do..I mean do you think they will like me? What if they don’t? Maybe they’ll think I’m not good enough for their son ”

Oh stop it Cinds, who cannot love you? And besides you’re beautiful, gorgeous, educated and you’re have a good career. Any parent will wish for a daughter like you. So stop worrying ok”

I get her on a sixth pace and grab her, sandwiching her face..”Stop worrying Cinds, it’ll be fine I promise you”

She grabs me by the shoulders, and nervously bit her bottom lip, something she often does when she’s nervous.”How can you be so sure?”

I take her face in my hands ” because there’s nothing about you that anyone will dislike, you are perfect Cindy, he loves you and you’re marrying him and not his family” So stop worrying ok, it’ll work out, you’ll see”

I don’t even know what I should wear, I don’t have anything nice!

Of course you do, in fact I know what you should wear! I excitingly say.

But for now we going downstairs and enjoy the snobs!

“Shhh you shouldn’t say that Sarah” she softly chastised.

 “Please promise me you’ll put on your best behavior” With this she smiles and looked me right in the eye and willed me to a promise.

“Ok, I’ll behave but I’m only staying around for a while. I have an article I have to finish to send off to Adrian”

Adrian is my best girlfriend trapped in a man’s body. I’m sure by now he’s frantically trying to get hold of me, burning his ulcer in the process but also knowing very well that he’ll get the article when I’m ready to send it.

“I’ll be down in a minute.

She gave me a pensive nod and walked out. I’m sure she was thinking of her meeting with the Arabs. I couldn’t imagine my conservative sis going for an Arab. She must love him very much and hopefully he feels the same. With that thought, I get a jolt running up my spine and settling in the pit of my stomach. I literally had to shake that feeling off. And I know it has to do with a pair of smouldering grey eyes. It reminds of a fire burning slowly, spewing flecks of ash around, and mesmerizing specks of gold flames flicking, desperately wanting to come alive. 

Oh shit, I can’t be thinking this way! But it’s hard to get that picture out of my head. It’s so perfect that I need to put it on a canvas. But that has to wait, that yearning to express my imagination, have to wait.

I hurriedly put on some eye make-up and that’s how far as it goes with regards to make-up. My hand goes through my hair and I’m oblivious of the result. I briefly look at myself in the mirror and saw, big blue eyes, turning green at times, an old Levi jeans perfectly cupping my rear,  white shirt, my oldest and dearest jack purcell’s with part of my hair refusing to go down. I shrug and go down to face the high and mighty society. I smile to myself just thinking of how they’ll look at me. 

Some would even whisper behind their well manicured hands “She was always the wild one” and still give me their best pasted on smile. Careful not to crack the make-up plastered on their face. And I’ll then do what I always do, nod and walk away.

It’s going to be a long night! But I’m only doing this for Cindy.

I hear the first gasp as I walk into the expansive dining area. And as if on queue I hear my mother’s heels clicking in my direction. I turn towards her and gave her my best smile.

“Hey mom, you’re looking gorgeous as ever” giving her a quick peck on her cheek.

” and that hair color really suits you” I softly say while leaning into her. As I know she would never want anyone to know that she is dying her hair.

My ploy always works, she stutters and nervously touch her hair.

“Do you think it looks OK?”

“Yes, it’s perfect” I say smiling

She mumbles something and walks off. Probably to find another Barbie to converse with.

“Dinner is ready” I hear our butler saying. I realize then how hungry I was. I find the nearest chair and didn’t wait for any nicety, and immediately started to pack my plate. I hear the familiar murmurs of disgust but paid no attention to any.

” Hi Sarah”

I got such a fright that I choked and started coughing and frantically trying to get air at the same time! People was starting to stare and my mother looked borderline flustered. It didn’t matter if I’m busy chocking, it’s all about her image.

” Are you ok, can I get you some water?”

Oh dear shit, just shut up and stop talking, I’m having a moment here and you’re not only the cause of my discomfort, but you’re making things worse!

I waved my hands in his direction and with tears streaming down my face, showed him thumbs up, that I’m ok. I drank some water and then he lightly cupped my shoulder blade. With that, I spewed out the water and this of course created more ghastly gasps! Shit man, can all this embarrassment just stop! Can he just stop!

When I finally got my breath back, and everyone has decided that I’m just faking my near death, touching their hair and delicately started to pick on their food. One is more afraid than the other, to eat. I decided eating is not for me, well not amongst fake and definitely not near this man who certainly has the ability to cause my death. 

I decided to get some fresh air and to have a much needed cigarette. A habit my mother obviously frowns upon. I walk a few meters into the lavish garden, a sculpture at every corner surrounded by manicured lawns, pruned roses and added in are the delightful smells that wafts through the summer air, a bird calling it’s mate in a promise rhythm. I close my eyes and revel in the fog of beauty that surrounds me, the only place I find true solace, the artist in me feeling giddy with the splendor surrounding me. I fill my lungs with smoke and slowly blowing out circles and watch it disappear into the darkness.

“That is bad for you” I hear someone saying

“Fuck!” I jumped up and my heart felt like popping out of my chest. 

Without thinking I reacted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? First you try to kill me when I was trying to fill my stomach! And now you sneak up on me, giving me a near heart attack” I was unaware of the foul words I’m using and I’m all hands flying, my heart still beating in my throat.

He’s next move was unexpected. My chest still heaving, he step up and reach for my hair, my head following trying to see what it is he’s doing. 

” You have something in your hair”  With that he takes out whatever it is in my hair and even that good intention felt like an irritating jolt. 

” It’s a honeysuckle” he mumbles

“Yeah” I responded, feeling like a complete twit.

” Shouldn’t you be inside with your fiance?” I suddenly feel more irritated because I can feel the fire working itself up from the pit of my stomach, flushing my face. 

“Well  like you,  I needed to get some air and I’m sorry to have startled you. And we also didn’t get a chance to get to know each other..properly” He added softly.

I suddenly feel ridiculous, something I rarely feel. This is my sister’s fiance. Why do I feel that I can’t get to know him better. I should feel relaxed and get to know him yes, nothing wrong with that. After all, he’s going to be like a brother soon. Yes…I am being silly.

“Yes, you’re right. We’re started off on a wrong footing” Nodding towards the house and smiled. ”  I’m Sarah, and I’m an artist” I shove my hand out.

” I’m Adam and I’m a chef” He takes my hand, but instead of shaking it, he kissed the top of my callous fingers.

And at that very moment, the world changes. The carousel turning at a slow pace, they mould into one,  the sun rises in the desert and she’s only covered in a sheer caftan, her nakedness clearly defined. Her fingers spreading over he’s perfect muscular torso..her fingers trailing the heartbeat tattooed on his chest..She’s in sync with him and feels the drumming of every beat..

That move took my breath away and I stopped breathing, everything else stopped, I couldn’t move, I was busy losing precious oxygen when he came up and looked at me, he’s face inches away from mine.
I heard his husky voice saying. ” Sarah, I suggest you stop licking your lips and close your mouth before I do”

“Uhh uhm” I stuttered, licking my lips, god dammit!

“I was hoping you’d do that” With that he leaned in and brush my lips, making me whimper and leaning forward I close my eyes, waiting for the onslaught. I can smell his minty breath. He pulled my bottom lip and I moaned. I’m vaguely aware of his hand travelling under my t-shirt, resting on my hip, unknowingly finding that erogenous zone, the pulse between my legs is becoming stronger than the one in my chest (sweet mother mary!)  All the blood racing to below my navel, creating a steady pulsating between my unsteady legs.

He looked at my chest rise and fall and like on queue, my nipples hardened and desperately trying to free themselves from my sport’s bra. As if he read’s my mind, he pushes up my t-shirt with my bra and captured a nipple between his teeth, nibbling, slowly sucking, flicking my nipples making them as hard as rocks!

“Beautiful!” 

As if in a trance he’s eyes hooded, he hungrily continue to suck,  equally giving attention to both breasts. I started shaking, wanting more. With my head back, I savored that moment, vaguely knowing that what’s happening is all wrong. 
But that very moment it felt absolutely right! 

I feel him reaching for the buttons to my jeans and all I can think of, is him reaching for that hot and damp spot, opening and prodding…I moaned as his long fingers finally found my spot, expertly knowing he’s way around.

I can feel him throbbing against me, rising to the occasion. His other hand cupping my ass, pressing himself into me. It’s primitive, I’m losing all senses! I start writhing against his hand all the while he is kissing me, sucking my tongue, nibbling my lips. He knows I need release. 

“Please” I whimper.. I was breathing so fast by now, moaning against him.

“Yes!” “I want you Sarah’..” I heard his urgent whisper.

And with those exact words, I jolt awake! I felt like I’m waking up from a nightmare, I pushed him away. Touching my lips and hurriedly pulling my shirt down.

“No..no! I’m sorry..uhm I should never have allowed it, please forgive me”

“Sarah you did nothing wrong” he tried to reach for me but I jumped around him

“You know this is right, it feels right..Sarah!” I heard him calling. I practically ran towards the house feeling ashamed!

I didn’t notice Cindy until I bumped into her….

Oh no! What did she see! Did she hear anything? How long has she been standing here… I can feel roaring in my head, the world is spinning. 

This can’t be happening..

Not again…


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Fit or Fat..

Fit or Fat..is this still a thing in today’s time? I mean I look around and see quite a few “I-am-a-size14-and-wanna-be-a-10“…😱 I can’t look!  I really feel for that size 10 maroon jeans, hanging on for dear life! And that poor t-shirt just wanna roll back where it came from eeeeek!

Then of course there’s a belt too..the poor thing just received extra holes which is probably a promise of a longer life.. 😫 Noooo man, we can’t look like this. No woman should look like this, it’s an injustice, never mind it being un-cool, un-sexy and downright horrible! Why, why why??

The sad part is, most of these beautiful young ladies are 30years old and/or younger ugh..No No No! Yeah sure, we have our babies and then boom, we’re gain 20 kilograms but then we have to work it bam bam bam! Jumping jacks while baby is having a two minute noodle nap, or do 5 sit ups, ( ja, that’s all that you’ll be able to manage) or do 3 squats! Yeah work it dammit! Do whatever it takes but don’t lose your groove girl. You might just find yourself as a statistic..you know….”Iam-a-size14-and-wanna-be-a-10″? 😢 ouch!

I know it’s not easy, being sleep deprived, smelling like sweet-sour milk, looking crazy at the best of times and still having to deal with cutest face screaming all day long. All you want to do is chow that bunny chow, be the couch potato and watch (rather than..hmmm) the 3rd aerobics video you bought and just feel sorry for your ass..Yip, been there, done that and seen it all.

The fattest I’ve ever been……no wait, that’s too much information. The most I gained was 20 kilograms! And I’m probably one of the lucky few that just churns that fat off in no time BUT it doesn’t mean that I never had to work it! Nooo, it was still hard work, believe me. There’s the extra flab that’s still stubbornly stay’s  around (I’m sticking to the royal wave, cos anything a centimeter higher can be downright dangerous..i could smack myself😂.)  Then there’s the piece of tyre sitting there refusing to go away, that skinny is just not gloving the way I want it to ugh.

But eventually it gets to a point where you actually feel human again, sexy again and can honestly fit into that pre-pregnancy jeans or that expensive pants you bought just before you fell pregnant cos hell no! It’s not going anywhere until I can fit in it again. Well, sadly some things become a fantasy and we hold onto it for dear life. Please God, I’ll have all the rabbits food, I promise😏 Ya well, it’s difficult. I’ve never made that promise because I love, love, love to eat. I love food..I just find it difficult to make..but anyway that’s not the moral of this story pffft.
I’ve always took part in sports from a very young age. I remember playing in the under 9 netball team. Regularly doing physical training and making sure my sandshoes is polished with what looked like white paint, with a spongy looking brush.

Then there was my second love for football and yeah, I’ve made the soccer team! It was lots of fun and tears but it was good fun. I’d do it over again but sadly it’s now only a good memory.

Hmmm I’m still trying to figure out which curly is mine 😂

I’ve played netball in primary school and remember getting to the finals, it was now or never. The opponent was obviously as good as us, if not better. It was raining and the game went into extra-time a few times, no one could score! I was the goal keeper and I refused for any ball to go past me💣 My partner worked as hard as I did, but hell no we were not there to be beaten! We’re taking the cup to school, it’s die hard! And then we scored!!! Yeaah, I must’ve shouted the loudest! But damn, then they scored too f&®©¥»* !!  Well the game wasn’t over, we had to honour the remaining time. It was backwards and forwards, there was injuries, there was near fights, my knees were bleeding, reserves were substituted, but God we’re going to win!!
By then the rain was falling at a steady pace, drenching us and making our vision very difficult, but like a good team we’re forged ahead! Pushing, throwing, jumping to take the ball out of the air, moving it along hoping that we’ll get that goal, that one break!

Tennis! From left :Shireen, Kami, Bridget, Sharon and Girl

Then there was that one moment that will be forever  engrained in my mind…it was a slow motion scene where you see it happening but you’re too slow to do anything. I was running towards the post because the ball was in their quarter. My partner slipped and her opponent caught the ball. She was standing on the inside of the half moon circle, positioning herself, aiming, water dripping into her eyes frantically trying to focus on her goal post..As she shot, my partner jumped, touched the ball and it took a different direction. But that very moment the other goalie caught the  ball at the edge, her back facing her post. She twirled her body around and without aiming she shot a goal! Oh my word, it was the best goal I’ve ever witnessed in my life!! It’s a goal I will never ever forget for as long as I live!!
We Lost!!! I cried my heart out, I couldn’t believe we were so close and yet so far. It took that one, beautiful and brilliant shot for us to lose the cup! We were defeated but as good sportsman, we took their hand and even hugged. At the end of it all, it meant as much to them as it did to us. And yeah..the winner takes it all. You cannot win all the time, it doesn’t work that way in life. You win some, you lose some😢

Ai, I’m off the topic. Every woman has a duty towards herself to look good and strive to be fit. There’s many ways to achieve this… be it doing jazz classes, a lovely hike up Lion’s Head, attending yoga glasses or even running. The latter I’ve started taking serious of late and it’s hard very hard! I suppose it’s because I never enjoyed it before and I’m starting to like it. My times are improving and that only means my stamina is improving. Yes I did the odd park run with my sis and I enjoyed it,  but I did it on my time…

A lovely hike up Lion’s Head💪

I’d rather enjoy the yoga class, surrounded by real yogis and mimicking the beautiful mantras. It strengthens the core, it’s excellent for the “kegels” (yeah! That’s another thing we need to keep tight ladies!) and best of all is that it’s very beneficial for the mind. It calms my busy mind and I feel focused and refreshed💞

So let’s not lose the baby but rather the baby fat! It’s important, not only for our body but for our confidence too. If you feel fit, you feel slim and you feel good about yourself. Now tuck that tummy in every time you dance, when you walk, run and sit. Pull that ass up and in and it’ll be forever tight😂 Go Girl💪💪

Happy Birthday My Poplap

I promised you I’ll write about you..

Well, here goes…a short but very sweet one💗

You’re hardly sweet pffft. I look at you and I still marvel in your stubbornness, wit and intelligence. From the first day I layed eyes on you, you never let me out of your sight. I was the cow and you were my calf. Yep, that’s exactly how it went down.😂  We were joined at the hip and it was very difficult to leave you anywhere. You hated driving and used to cry all the way to Cavendish and back home. The minute you couldn’t see me, you would bring the house down!💣💣 I had to take you everywhere I went…yep even the toilet😫

All curly and Girly💗

I remember trying desperately to wean you and having to go on a  week long business trip, I thought this is it, I’m finally going to get back my precious body parts😊 But a week  of discomfort was quickly forgotten the minute I picked your tiny body up and you moaned into my chest. I was lost, all resolved caved and I was back to being your nurturer. And I’ll do it all over again!

It’s My House, and I Live Here🙋🙋

Your creche days lasted all but 5 days😏 And I’m grateful to have gotten the most caring nanny in the world! Shukran Maya, we’ll always be grateful for you. You’re part of the reason why Yumnah is the young woman she is today😘

People say you’re the split image of me growing up and I believe that now. I can certainly see the strong minded, opinionated, stubborn and ambitious young girl growing up to be one helluva force to be reckon with. You’re gorgeous my POP LAP, and I’ll Love you forever. 💚💚💗💗

Remember…Love deeply, don’t settle, respect your siblings and parents and stay true to yourself.  I thank the Almighty for granting you another year, and I wish you a prosperous life.  You’re beautiful my Love💗

Mini Me💞💞

The last year

I have so much to tell but don’t know how to put things in perspective. I think I generally fail in that area. Maybe because I think too much and then I end up stuck in between the jungle of thoughts and cannot clearly decipher or work myself out of it.

When I get to this junction, I normally write. I just write and write and not necessarily in any order. I have no qualms about full stops, commas or over using dot dot dot. I don’t write for an accolade. I write because I write better than what I talk. And I think most people do. Writing gives you that extra second to think, it gives you the opportunity to say something in a better way, in an eloquent way,  it gives you the added bonus of adding emotions to a story.

Long long ago there was a frog and a princess..naaah its not one of those stories. This is so cool, it’s so cool to do  what you want and to say what you want, but I promised my son that I’m not writing soppy stories anymore and it’s not going to be soppy!

So it’s just going to bits and bops of The Last Year🙋

Ethan The Warrior

The day I learnt of your coming, was a sad day, but unknowingly then,  you were going to give me the strength to face all my fears. And oh dear, let’s just add that I was really not ready to be a granny😱 I used to take pride in not being granny at my age, but God had his own plans.

He’s more like MY warrior💗💗 He was my sunshine in the rain. For once in my life, I could lean on someone else and not once did that little, tiny person turn his back on me. I used to get high on just sniffing him and snuggling up to his warm, soft cheeks and get lost in his toothless smile. I love you Ethan, you are Nana’s “hart se punt”. Sadly you stripped your daddy from his title😘

This song of Teddy Pendergrass explains how I feel about you

And when you walked into my life
Suddenly I knew
All the love I had inside
Was leading me to you

Our new Adventure

It’s so difficult to say how children will take to a divorce. People say, when they small, they don’t remember much they easily forget and that it’s more difficult when they’re bigger, older. I always say that I cannot agree to something if I haven’t gone through and experienced it myself. I let logic decide and if it adds up, I accept it. Well I wish my experience was as easy as using logic. I lost it a couple of times, I was a walking emotional time bomb. I was afraid I was going to lose my kids to their father. I looked out for signs of betrayal, I believe I sometimes fabricated reasons to attack them. I cried in silence and the more I tried to stay sane, the more I felt broken. I didn’t know how to tell them that I’m scared of losing them and that I won’t survive if I should. I always only know how to be strong and I hated that I still wanted to be strong. I wanted to break down, I wanted to shout, hit someone, kick something, anything!

Yes, like every time bomb this one blew up but the result wasn’t devastating but rather bittersweet. It was moments of honesty, there was lotsa tears, revelations but most of all there was not a chance that I’ll ever lose my babies. They have my back and I’ll always have theirs. The moral of the story is that they love their father as much as they love me and this was never their battle. In fact I believe they suffer more than what we do.

The following gave me Hope, inspiration and Trust:

An extract from Will Power:💗

This is a matter of guidance from the creator and time healing and letting the scars close and be a reminder of how to conduct ourselves as future partners in a marriage and as parents. We were involved too much, we’ve seen too much and it’s still there. Visible and within remembrance. The worst is not Over, it’s still there. Everyone is at a point in their lives where they feel unloved, unrecognised, disregarded and unwanted. So we lashout, we forget, we display the same negative traits that we feel is being inflicted on us. I have always been proud of my mother. I have never disregarded your success and your achievements. I am the man I am because of you

(I still cry every time I read this. The worst is over my son, we’re on our road to recovery💚 I love you!)


An extract from Love:💞

I miss that when you would come home  from work and make us food. And we would all eat as a family .

And thats really what meant alot to me .But when we left i forgot how many things count in my life .

You know you can leave that life behind but to think about the little things that matter ,thats hard .

So i became angry 

Giving sarcastic  statements 

To not only you 

But everyone around me 

Being angry every day .

And i realised that’s not me ! 

I am that girl who still sleeps in her mothers arms .That girl who still needs to teach her dad how to take a selfie .

Thats me ! 

And i want to be me again .

So im starting with my mommy .

Im sorry mommy 

Shukran mommy for everything you have done I will never forget that , and one day I will tell my kids my mommy was successfull and strong independent and Thats what I want to be really 💔 Shukran 💔❤

(Thank you poplap, and I’m sorry too.. you’re wise beyond your years)


And the man that always Persevere:😍

I Love you mumz, forever💗

(And one of few words….I love you too!)

 

And finally I can put that heartache behind me, behind all of us. Wake up and see the sun shining through my bedroom window. Thank God for what I have and for bestowing His infinite mercy on us. And I’m grateful for my good circle of friends who was there when I needed them🙋

I am no longer wearing my wellington boots, plowing through mud, I no longer have to question loyalty, I can trust in Love again.💜💜 

And it’s the right time to organize a dream holiday overseas…maybe Europe, maybe Asia. It doesn’t matter, what matters is it’s another tick off the Bucket List! BOOM!!😍🙋

Facebook

Another quick muse…

I actually find it very fascinating, this whole Facebook thing and how it gets used by some people to get a message out there..

Pffft, I do it too. I use it to tell my so called friends that ” I’m getting back at you for not visiting me or not staying in touch” ja, you know who you are (yes, put ma that ” I can’t look” face on..that brown spider monkey man)

Then there’s the ones that regular “check in” yirre, where did you get such a kwaai credit limit?? Please inbox me so that I can apply😏

Anyway, that is the funny part. Let me share with you the things that really annoy me of some people..

If I don’t like your post, then you’re not going to like mine, never mind giving me any purple blommetjies that sprinkle all over the post. The minute I start liking yours, booom! I’m getting a like from you. How’s that? Now bear in mind that no one is going to dictate to me what post I should like or not, or if it’s even interesting enough to comment on or do I really think you’re post is awesome or your pictures are nice…. especially those selfies 😦 hmmm

And thank goodness there’s still real people out there. They don’t just like any of my check in’s or any of my quotes that I (by the way )  thought was fascinating. No man, why should they. I’ve post because I believed in the quote. I post pictures because I like and treasure them. Ja well, it’s for the benefit of my friends abroad ( hmmm I have some) but that’s about it.

I once read an article about people and Facebook and unfortunately I cannot remember word for word but the jist was..People use Facebook to create a fantasy life. What you put on Facebook is what you want people to perceive.

And sadly, we’re all or most of us fall in this trap.

So in closing.. I don’t like your post because I don’t think it’s sweet, I don’t find it interesting, I’ve seen the same pictures over and over, I don’t think your quote is bad, but right now I can’t relate to it, sorry. Your check ins are annoying cos I’m at the “salticrax” week of the month. And I really don’t mind if you’re don’t like or comment on any of my post because you could be feeling the same way I do. So high five, no hard feelings, I still like you and you’ll always stay my Facebook friend🙋🙋

Well, let me tell you I’m getting ready to bore you with my countless Whitney Houston re-shares💗😍. My endless pictures of my Pop Lap and of the men in my life😍 including my grandson ( oh, I’ve never been sooo in love😊 yes yes I know you’ve seen a million pictures) my check in’s at hmmm the Waterfront, Canal Walk and Zevenwacht. Oh and of course letting you know that I’ve ran 5km (umpfff it was hard!) and that I’ve enjoyed a session of Yoga😂😂💪

Ok, lighthen up..it’s just another muse. You don’t have to like it😏

Onvoorwaardelike Liefde

Sy sit voor oor, gebuig en rug krom

Haar gesig met permanente lyne

Maar steeds n gesig vol liefde

Haar lippe glad en sag soos myne

Sy kyk op en glimlag, en dit maak my dag

Vol liefde is haar druk, en ek smag vir dit nog elke dag

Ek mis jou 

*
Ek verlang na jou wysheid

Ek moes ma geluister het
Jou arms was my le plek

Dus waar ek veilig gevoel het

Jy vryf my kop, en ek is weg

Jy soen my op my voorkop en sus my aan die slaap

Ek vra n duisend vrae, ek wil verstaan

Dan sy jy, “Laat dit maar gaan”

“Ek is lief vir jou, en dit is al wat saak maak”

Jou woorde het my gestil

Jou liefde was goed vir my siel

Hoe wens ek jy was nog hier

Ek wil jou net trots gemaak het

Ek mis jou 

*
Dit was altyd net ek en jy, hand aan hand

Ek mis jou eindlose vingers

Altyd sag, warm en geknoop aan myne

Nie weer was daar n liefde soos joune

Jy was beeldskoon, binne en buite

Jou vel was sag, jou hare dun soos die wind

Hoe wens ek jy kon sien

Maak ek jou trots?

Ek mis jou 

*
Die pad was swaar sonder jou

Ek probeer om te onthou

Die herrineringe is nog vars, dus soos gister

Ek verbeel my ek ruik jou 

Ek mis jou

Ek wil regop loop soos jou

Trots en met n glimlag

Ek is hier deur jou

Ek is die moeder wat ek is vandag, deur jou
Hoe wens ek jy kon hulle sien

Jy sal trots gewees het

En dus omdat jy my moeder was

Jy was my voetspore, jy was my alles

My hart is seer

Hoor jy as ek praat? 

Sien jy as ek treur?

Ek mis jou

*
A short poem in memory of Getrude, Susan Kleinsmith. Happy Birthday there in Heaven💗

Collages of Love

CHAPTER ONE
We are three years apart, Cindy and I. We used to do everything together and people had the idea that we were twins,  how I don’t know. She was the other world, the proper one, the clever academic, the ambitious one, the good child.

I on the other hand only have the beauty, without the brains. I never cared for books or to think hard. I was more of the artist, more hands on. I want to bring a canvass to life, like the journey of the embryo, the sperm entering the mouth of the womb,meeting up with either the x or y chromosome, fusing together and nine months later a human is born.

That’s how I nurture my paintings to life. I plan, I start, I fuse, and my creation is born. Many say I’m  brilliant , I just think I have the vision of a true artist.

I haven’t seen my parents or my siblings for over eight years. My brother is five years younger than me. The mistake baby. My mom and I had a terrible fight before I left for France to pursue my love for art. She thinks I’m reckless, irresponsible and need to settle down with babies. How does that even makes sense.

My mom and I never got along. it was because I was not Cindy, I wasn’t the obedient one, I was always arguing and never accepted the norm, I was never going to give her the beautiful white wedding and the string of grand kids..Unlike her, I want to marry the man of my dreams, the Love that I’ve never seen coming, the one Love that feels right, the one Love that just fits. 

And I am going to create the biggest scandal knowing to man! Unknowingly that is..

I’m sitting high in the sky, contemplating how things are going to work out. How everyone is going to look at me and asking me the same annoying questions. “When are you getting married. “When are you having babies”?  “Your sister is marrying into a good family, they come with money” You should settle down..

On and on it will go. I would eventually stop justifying my way of life, my reasons for not settling down, my reasons for not marrying for fear of making a mockery of a sacred step, because my parents was hardly a good example.

My father is cheating on my mom for all their married life and of course she knows. She even know who the woman is. And does nothing about it. I love my parents ,but I have the sense to know they’re hardly live the life I want to, or lead by example.

As I walk through the terminal I scout for the familiar face of my sister. I realised I’ve missed her and crave the soft hug and the familiar smell of lemon grass, her favorite body lotion. We see each other simultaneously and I’m always blown away by her beautiful white smile that takes her eyes with, they scrunch up into almost slits and her high cheek bones get all rosy,  like pink rose petals and her long mane of black hair swooshing around her face. She’s gorgeous, if only she can see it! We practically run walk to get to each other, I suddenly felt a lump in my throat and I wasn’t sure why. Once again I get a sense of gloom and I quickly shrug it off, not wanting to spoil the short time with my siblings.

“Sarah oh my word, I’m so glad to see you! Oh man how I’ve missed you!” With that we hugged and she gives me a slap kiss on the lips, he familiar smell invading my sinuses and I could feel and taste the vanilla residue of her lip gloss on my lips.

I gave her the biggest hug,  and never wanted to let go again pushing the feeling of gloom away.

“I missed you big sis, you looking good” We were smiling at each other, what felt like an eternity. My hands feeling her face wanting to make sure it was her, she looking me up and down, rubbing my hand, cupping my face, running her hand over my almost non existing crop of black hair, now streaked with red.

” What have you done to your hair!  You do know it’s going to be the topic right..”Sarah must you always be a disgrace” pulling her face and mimicking my mother’s voice. We burst out laughing and she  says “It suits you, you’re looking like the famous artist you are, don’t worry about mom, she’ll get over it ” Cindy always being the enthusiast.  With that she take my hand and fold it in hers. Then she realised that she wasn’t alone.

” I’m so sorry, how can I be so rude..” at first I didn’t know what she was referring to but then she stepped out of the way and I looked into a grey set of eyes. I immediately knew it had to be her fiance.

” Sarah this is Adam, Adam please meet my sister Sarah” she nervously introduced us, half letting go of my hand to take his torn between the two of us..I smoothly slip out of her embrace and extend my hand to her fiance.

” Very glad we finally meeting” he drawls with a very heavy accent. One I didn’t immediately recognised.

His hand shake felt sure and I was immediately aware of how soft his hands were and how immaculate his nails are and I almost pull my hand out of his to hide my artist hands. They clean but always have some paint residue on.

That wasn’t the only reason I pulled my hand away. I felt a jolt from somewhere in my body, feeling suddenly hot and flustered and in desperate need of air. I felt an enormous sense of guilt but shook it off,  because history is not going to repeat itself.

I mumble some nicety and I hear Cindy asking if I’m ok because I suddenly look a bit pale.

” Nothing is wrong, it has to be the 15 hour flight…let’s go, I can’t wait to see Ricky!” The lack of interest into seeing my parents was not mentioned.

Cindy spoke all the way, babbling about the planning of the wedding, about the dress, the cake, about mother’s annoying interference, about Ricky’s latest girlfriend. I made the necessary hmmm’s and aaaa’s and got an occasional question in but like always I was the one listening.

As if pulled by force I look into a set of  eyes. I’ve never seen such smoldering grey eyes with a slight tinge of yellow. It reminds me of threatening grey clouds, with a streak of sunlight peeking through creating a striking balance with those two simple colours. I’ve done so many collages of colours, but never mated those two colours. Without realising, I turn my head to the side in a ponderous motion and I visualize my next painting. I was completely lost in his stare, I could hear Cindy still talking away but have no idea what she’s saying until she calls my name.

” Sarah, do you think it’s a good idea..Sarah! You’re not listening to me”

” Sorry” I mumbled trying desperately to remember what she asked me, but that part was lost to me. And feeling extremely guilty, shrugging off whatever happened now.

” I’m sorry sis, I am jetlagged and my brain is not functioning at the moment, what were you saying ?” I put on my best smile, thanking God that she can’t see the cauldron of emotions going through my mind and how my body has reacted to her fiance’s stare..

From then on for the rest of the way home, I gave her my thoughts and advice and hoping that whatever just happened was never to be repeated. I cannot imagine going through that mountain of guilt again.

As we approach my parents home, my stomach gave unhappy jerkings and I cannot believe that I am no more happy to see them as they are to see me.

My mom was the first to greet us and for a few seconds I was glad to see her. And she was genuinely happy to see me, that too won’t last long. We have that love, hate relationship.

” Sarah my love, come here I’ve missed you terribly” she grabbed me in a big hug and I fleetingly wished I could stay in her arms forever. Get her acceptance and unconditional love, listen to constructive criticism, go to her when I need her guidance, just to have a decent relationship with the woman who birth me.

I thought I saw a glint in her eyes and wondered if she’s hoped for the same but at soon as it appeared, as soon it was gone replaced by complete composure.

” Hey mom, I missed you too”

” Sarah your hair looks terrible, why do always cut it so short!”

” and you’re so thin, do you even eat that side, look at the dark circles under your eyes, and it looks like you live in the sun, I hope you use sun block”  on and on she went..

Cindy rolled her eyes, silently pleading with me to let it go..for now. And I was prepared to do that for her benefit, for the next two weeks I’m going to keep it together for her sake.

” aah there she is, my sunshine” I heard my father’s booming voice.

As much as he’s disappointed me, my heart gushes when I see my handsome dad. Always the prince of night, dashing in a Levi jeans, white shirt with a few buttons opened showing off his tanned, well built chest. He’s white smile has to be the biggest drawing card for many woman. I walk into his embrace and find that familiar, cosy place I’ve spent many days and nights whilst growing up, long before all the disappointments..

“Hello dad, I’ve missed you” and I realized I did and that I’ve missed our bond. I’ve missed the one person who never judged me, who never expected more than what I had to give.

” You looking good Sarah, I’ve missed you too” he cups my face and kissed me like old times sakes..on every quarter of my face. This always used to make me giggle and I couldn’t help to accept the happy feeling.

“Sarah, you must be exhausted darling. Please go freshen up we have lots to catch up to. I’ve placed you in your room” says mother as if it’s organizing one of her infamous tea parties. I smile and nod, suddenly yearning for the familiar smells and decor of the room I’ve grown up in.

At the same time dreading it. But also see it as an opportunity to get some peace for even a short time.

” Yes, good idea. Nothing a hot bath won’t cure” I lugged my suitcases up the enormous stairs and hurriedly tried to get away from the buzz. I felt a stare and I was certain I knew who it was from but refused to acknowledge it.

“Adam, you’re miles away. Come let’s have a brandy before supper” I hear my dad says.

As soon as I’m inside my room, I hurriedly banged it close, hoping that a few minutes of peace will calm my shattered nerves. I close my eyes for a minute to block out that grey stare.

“Oh my god, what just happened.!” I feel myself shaking like a leaf. I sat on the floor behind my door for what felt like an eternity. Eventually I got up and took in my four poster bed, school posters and I ran my fingers over all I’ve left behind, reminiscing and smiling seeing some happy moments.

I then picked up a framed photograph of Cindy and I …with him. I suddenly started to hyperventilate and the memories assaulted my conscious mind and it opened up a flood of emotions I’ve buried long ago.

I didn’t mean to..I didn’t mean to fall in love with my sister’s boyfriend….it just happened. How could something so wrong felt so right…

 

It’s only Goodbye

Another chapter in my Journey will be coming to an end soon.

The future is unknown to all of us. Sometimes things don’t always work out the way you planned, other times you don’t plan and it works out. And I am eternally grateful for all the positives in my life. The last nine months, maybe longer has been the toughest ever but I managed to buy a brand new house against all odds, the sale of my plot is finally happening and now a new job… AND I have my babies with me!💗  I thank the Almighty for granting me these positive changes in my life. I would never have been able to do it without Him.

 I believe that whenever you walk away from any situation, be that having a conversation with a stranger in a queue or deciding to seek better professional opportunities..You always make sure, you walk away with the wealth of knowledge.

Now this knowledge presents itself in many forms.. It could be a negative or dismantling experience or it could be a more positive experience where people inspire you, when you have a colleague that you have the world of respect for. She observes without making judgement, she is spiritually strong and has integrity. She knows exactly what is going on and when I’m upset and there are times that we have the longest conversation by not saying anything or saying much. Thank you Foster💗

Inspiration do not ask for a certain age group. I think a seven year old can give you inspiration. I had an experience listening to a nine year old being interviewed on Heart 104.9. Cadi de Jager !  I remember listening to her with tears running down my face, thinking..if she can do it, then I can!

 

A nine-year old who was misdiagnosed with a brain tumor, but even after all the time spent in hospital, gathered inspiration from her experience and became the poster child and biggest advocate for the Red Cross Children’s hospital and their fundraising efforts. And I always had a big heart for Red Cross hospital, after spending nights and days there with my eldest son💗

Now that right there is inspiration, you should become a spongebob and splurge it all up because that is what makes you grow into a better person. 

I’m sad to close this door,  but I’m also excited for my new venture. It’s a New beginning, greener pastures💪 The beautiful splendor of Lions head is going to cascade through my office window, and I can just imagine seeing the rain tearing down my window. It’s going to be awesome, I know it! 😍 It’s right up my allly, being it project work, travel and managing people. Those are the things that I have passion for. Numbers and people. 
Without people, we’re lost. We’re lost if we don’t nurture them. It’s like any other relationship, it has to be looked after. 

Numbers was always my forte, I always wanted to be a CA, with a pinstripe grey, pencil cut skirt with my glasses resting on my nose…but hell no, I’ve had enough of studying. I think I’ve actually fried some brain cells along the way. I’ll just have to be satisfied with just a degree🙋

You miss the people and not the company.I hate goodbyes and wish I don’t have to do it…but it’s only goodbye and not farewell😢 

Life….

A short muse on Life….😍

I haven’t written in a long time.. life happened. I get up in the morning and I thank God for granting me another day.  Another day to Love my children, to listen to their banter and to take note of their silence, another couple of hours reveling in the softness of my grandson💗…Another day to live another chapter in my life. It’s all a Journey, nothing is forever.. I miss my niece every day, not a day passes when I don’t think of her. Not many understand, not even my children understands what impact her death had on my life..


I remember sitting sobbing, heaving and trying to make sense of life. How did this happen? How does anyone live an unhappy life..

Many has cast stones for the decision I have made but it’s something I have accepted long before it even happened. I generally think things through, I’m a thinker, I pre-empt (this is not always a good thing) and in this case I was spot on..The ones sitting on pedestals or rather with their head in the sand, are the ones gasping and found it almost incredulous..How can it be? It all seemed so perfect..

The real ones, saw it coming. How come it was the way it was?
Anyway that’s not what this story is about because I’ve accepted that “A new beginning is the end of a previous beginning”.

Life is what you make of it. If you give a piece, you get a speckle, if you give your all, truly give your ALL, life will give you an abundance. Nothing comes easy, not even relationships, not parenthood, not even your day job.
There’s therefore No time to worry about what people think, there’s no time to pretend that all is well when it’s not, say what you think, do what you want, have a bucket list and start ticking off, laugh and dance with the ones you love.

Religion doesn’t make you a person, being a drunkard doesn’t, being a drug addict doesn’t (and I am testament to this..no one has until today spoken bad about Sam. Everyone misses her, everyone loved her because she walked through life with the utmost respect for anyone who crossed her path) it’s therefore how you live your life that does…

Why waste time on the mediocre things in life..holding grudges, talk about happenings not people, put and end to a story with no meaning and that has no relevance to your life, if the opportunity arises go forth and conquer, if they’re not there anymore then let go..only the true ones stay, accept that many things are only there for a season and for a definite reason, be good parents to enable the world to be a better place when you’re no longer around. If something is not good for you, if that situation feels eroded..then walk away. Have the courage to know it’s the end..
When you judge, you define yourself and not the other person. Create your space for yourself and not for anyone else. The true ones will hug you, they’ll be ready whenever you are. Remember you are amazing💜
Keep your head up high and walk those heels!💪

This muse is for you Sam, my Angel from above. When things seems hard, I think of you, of how hard it must have been for you…No regrets baby!🙋

Masterpiece

​Women. Wives. Mothers.
They unappreciated, undervalued and highly misunderstood gender of the human race.

We men often pay little or no attention as to what makes ‘women’ happy. You know what’s the biggest aspect we lack when it comes to women in our lives?

We’re not proud enough of them, their achievements, their successes, their motherhood, their classyness, their values, their norms and attitudes. Yes, precisely..we are oblivious!
How can you not be proud of a woman who balance’s a career? A woman who strives to make an impact in her household, to teach her children the importance of character and preparation for the world? A woman who strives to inculcate religion amidst the many good values she attempts to instill in her children? It is of no doubt that a Mother can and will never have ONE career.

She will always have two. Her Job and her Masterpiece. Her Job, being it a career or a stay-at-home mom, it’s still a job.
What’s her Masterpiece?
It’s her children, her babies, her toddlers, her son’s and daughters. She is the one who moulds them, she is the one they call out for, she’s the one they’ve been connected to since the day they were born. A woman who so as even delivers a child, deserves the pride from her significant other. She deserves the pride of her family, I promise to be proud of my woman, always!
I write this, with only one exemplary woman in my life, my Mother. I am her end product, I am her goals, I am her achievement, I am her Masterpiece…
By:

Naeem Thebus

With Kamilah Thebus
I wrote this for you Mom ❤