So many things has happened in the last three months. There were big revelations, falling out of love, the gains, the losses and the near losses, the strengthening of old friendships and the start of new friendships. The ultimate wake up call, long overdue and the result of years of festering…
And for those that might be going through something similar…If you have good, if you have great, don’t let it fester. Talk about it, give the benefit of the doubt, and move on. The longer you take to do this, the longer it takes to go back to the way it used to be….
I’m propped up, it’s 2am in the morning and I want to put pen to paper.. I find this is the best time to write, it’s quiet and the only other presence with me is God.
I think I am quite the remarkable woman, I’ve made huge changes to myself and for myself. It was a quest I set out for myself growing up. I wanted more of life. I wanted to be the improved version of growing up. I dreamt on a daily basis of the castle, the hero, the babies and the love of my life. What I have realized now is that it doesn’t always work out the way you planned and this was hard for me to accept because I am a stickler for planning, I like forward thinking, and always has to have a plan B. I take motivation from other people. I observe, I agree, disagree and I learn. During the past few months I’ve come to the realization that I wanted more from life, for me personally. There wasn’t a need for me to grow as a professional as I found my niche and nest. Gosh, looking back to the past three years ago, I never ever thought I’d say this. I felt like I was constantly searching for “the perfect job”.. of course there is no such thing.
I have a beautiful family. My kids has come through for me in this difficult time and at first I thought..”who are they? Where’s my babies? Are these really the same people”?
Yes, children are far more resilient and wise than what we prepared to give them credit for. An important factor that we forget, is that they are the production of us! We have nurtured, guided, motivated, inspired and instilled good values. It’s something I certainly forgot walking through the fog of maze. I never thought they would be the ones helping me through this. I am the provider, the guider, the shoulder..not the other way around.
Some times we have to accept that we are all actually so similar, and not the normal contrary analogy of ‘people are all different..no I disagree..’ This statement will become clear by the end of my story.
I thought my marriage was over and I wanted that and that and that, the list became longer as the days progressed. What I haven’t realized is that we allowed ourselves to grow apart. We get up, we put in the lunches ( ok I don’t do that..never did..) we scramble around, getting dressed in the finest, we grab a fruit, we stuck in traffic, getting all flustered (I don’t do that too…stuck in traffic?…overrated! pffft) we go through the hectic schedules at work, we come home, no more pecking on the lips, no more quality time, no more chatting, no more touching ( this is important for me…I like being touched in private and in public…it’s a sign of affection and a promise of more to come..wink wink..) and suddenly we are miles apart, each one pulling in different directions. The original plans are no longer, the arguments becomes that of a personal nature, the actual objective long forgotten, fingers are pointed, assumptions are being made, trusts are broken, we start to resent, we become complacent, we rest on our laurels, we loose the faith, we don’t make passionate Love, we have cold, obligated sex, and we look for the blame in others… but yourself. Of course, why not? How can I be the one being wrong if all I wanted, was perfect and better?
Of course I’ve listened, I’ve pecked, I’ve touched, I’ve been vocal, I’ve given quality time….BUT did I? Our lives are not only one sided, we are not married to the perfect guy, him not being a social butterfly or interested in social media does not make him the wrong fit. It’s about understanding that, it’s about accepting that, it’s about a wee bit of compromise. Oh I believed I did so much of the latter that I detest using this word in a sentence. But so did someone else, compromised on some of my short comings..right..(rhetorical)
It came as a surprised to many! (the near and dear ones) We were the perfect couple, the handsome duo with the beautiful balanced kids, he’s the introvert, she’s the butterfly, together since high school, both hardworking and strived for that rainbow. The very same people tried to talk me out of it but I wanted nothing of it. My mind was made up, I’m leaving and was prepared to live as a single parent. No man was necessary, who needs a man, definitely not a strong woman like me. I have the brains, I have the financial stability, I have my career, I don’t need a partner for sex – I can play with myself..right..reaching an orgasm is just that…pfft nothing in it..!
No, that’s all wrong…
I don’t want to be alone, ever! I cannot imagine being alone on that stoep. I’m too passionate, I love good company, I want to cuddle, I loovve intimacy..yes sex! (Why be ashamed of saying it out loud??) I like conversing, I want to hear breathing next to me, I want that constant presence next to me, I want to be touched, I want to agree to disagree, I want to communicate, I want respect and continues support, I want to share my hectic day, I want to listen and contribute, I want to be put on that pedestal and preserved forever, I want shared responsibilities, I want to be accepted for who I am,
I like a party,
I like to have fun,
I like to laugh,
I can talk to a stranger in a queue and instantly have a friend,
I love, love, absolutely love music!
I like to dance and bop to a beat
I like to spend time with family
I like talking shit and have a good laugh
I like reading
I’m passionate and sensitive
I’ve fallen in love with writing
And I like my own company..
And don’t want to compromise on this for anyone, ever! Love and accept me…
I want all of this…and will reciprocate without a doubt! Give me this and you have me forever..
So, I ask you… is this not what we all want…?
We allow ourselves to grow apart, allowing ourselves to stagnate, allowing ourselves not to “keep” up with our partners. We see it’s heading for disaster but we not doing anything to mend it because we’re either far ahead or far behind. We see the shortcomings, we don’t talk about it, but rather start comparing them to others, talk to others, complaining constantly to others..And how does this fix the problems?
We fix it by talking about it immediately, not three weeks later, by not going to bed angry, by doing it in a dignified and respectful way. Listen to understand first, then to answer…very important. Don’t think to answer if you don’t understand what to answer!
And don’t worry about what others think or say, because they not living your life for you. You don’t have to be visible to others when praying. You certainly don’t have to justify the way you live to anyone. You respect your elders, always! And remember that there is only one God. Do not make another god of anything or anyone else. We can love them, it, her,him but they are not the sustainer..they are temporary.
So let’s change the attitude and mind set, lets be innovative of how to get rid of the negatives and focus positively on how to get things back on track. It could be a slow process and accept this. We invest half a lifetime in a relationship and a lot of hard work has gone into so many elements and facets and we can only look forward to so many positive and exciting things..
Don’t take anything for granted and the one shouldn’t rely on the other for a kick-start. If you see it’s losing flame, give it some air…
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
And say ” I love you”….more often.