We want the same..

So many things has happened in the last three months. There were  big revelations, falling out of love, the gains, the losses and the near losses, the strengthening of old friendships and the start of new friendships. The ultimate wake up call, long overdue and the result of years of festering…

And for those that might be going through something similar…If you have good, if you have great, don’t let it fester. Talk about it, give the benefit of the doubt, and move on. The longer you take to do this, the longer it takes to go back to the way it used to be….

I’m propped up, it’s 2am in the morning and I want to put pen to paper.. I find this is the best time to write, it’s quiet and the only other presence with me is God.

family quote

I think I am quite the remarkable woman, I’ve made huge changes to myself and for myself. It was a quest I set out for myself growing up. I wanted more of life. I wanted to be the improved version of growing up. I dreamt on a daily basis of the castle, the hero, the babies and the love of my life. What I have realized now is that it doesn’t always work out the way you planned and this was hard for me to accept because I am a stickler for planning, I like forward thinking, and always has to have a plan B. I take motivation from other people. I observe, I agree, disagree and I learn. During the past few months I’ve come to the realization that I wanted more from life, for me personally. There wasn’t a need for me to grow as a professional as I found my niche and nest. Gosh, looking back to the past three years ago, I never ever thought I’d say this. I felt like I was constantly searching for “the perfect job”.. of course there is no such thing.

I have a beautiful family. My kids has come through for me in this difficult time and at first I thought..”who are they? Where’s my babies? Are these really the same people”?
Yes, children are far more resilient and wise than what we prepared to give them credit for. An important factor that we forget, is that they are the  production of us! We have nurtured, guided, motivated, inspired and instilled good values. It’s something I certainly forgot walking through the fog of maze. I never thought they would be the ones helping me through this. I am the provider, the guider, the shoulder..not the other way around.

Some times we have to accept that we are all actually so similar, and not the normal contrary analogy of  ‘people are all different..no I disagree..’ This statement will become clear by the end of my story.

marraige

I thought my marriage was over and I wanted that and that and that, the list became longer as the days progressed. What I haven’t realized is that we allowed ourselves to grow apart. We get up, we put in the lunches ( ok I don’t do that..never did..) we scramble around, getting dressed in the finest,  we grab a fruit, we stuck in traffic, getting all flustered (I don’t do that too…stuck in traffic?…overrated! pffft) we go through the hectic schedules at work, we come home, no more pecking on the lips, no more quality time, no more chatting, no more touching ( this is important for me…I like being touched in private and in public…it’s a sign of affection and a promise of more to come..wink wink..) and suddenly we are miles apart, each one pulling in different directions. The original plans are no longer, the arguments becomes that of a personal nature, the actual objective long forgotten, fingers are pointed, assumptions are being made, trusts are broken, we start to resent, we become complacent, we rest on our laurels, we loose the faith, we don’t make passionate Love, we have cold, obligated sex, and we look for the blame in others… but yourself. Of course, why not? How can I be the one being wrong if all I wanted, was perfect and better?

 

Of course I’ve listened, I’ve pecked, I’ve touched, I’ve been vocal, I’ve given quality time….BUT did I? Our lives are not only one sided, we are not married to the perfect guy, him not being a social butterfly or interested in social media does not make him the wrong fit. It’s about understanding that, it’s about accepting that, it’s about a wee bit of compromise. Oh I believed I did so much of the latter that I detest using this word in a sentence. But so did someone else, compromised on some of my short comings..right..(rhetorical)

It came as a surprised to many! (the near and dear ones) We were the perfect couple, the handsome duo with the beautiful balanced kids, he’s the introvert, she’s the butterfly, together since high school, both hardworking and strived for that rainbow. The very same people tried to talk me out of it but I wanted nothing of it. My mind was made up, I’m leaving and was prepared to live as a single parent. No man was necessary, who needs a man, definitely not a strong woman like me. I have the brains, I have the financial stability, I have my career, I don’t need a partner for sex – I can play with myself..right..reaching an orgasm is just that…pfft nothing in it..!

No, that’s all wrong…

fun

I don’t want to be alone, ever! I cannot imagine being alone on that stoep. I’m too passionate, I love good company, I want to cuddle, I loovve intimacy..yes sex! (Why be ashamed of saying it out loud??) I like conversing, I want to hear breathing next to me, I want that constant presence next to me, I want to be touched, I want to agree to disagree, I want to communicate, I want respect and continues support, I want to share my hectic day, I want to listen and contribute, I want to be put on that pedestal and preserved forever, I want shared responsibilities, I want to be accepted for who I am,
I like a party,
I like to have fun,
I like to laugh,
I can talk to a stranger in a queue and instantly have a friend,
I love, love, absolutely love music!
I like to dance and bop to a beat
I like to spend time with family
I like talking shit and have a good laugh
I like reading
I’m passionate and sensitive
I’ve fallen in love with writing
And I like my own company..
And don’t want to compromise on this for anyone, ever! Love and accept me…

I want all of this…and will reciprocate without a doubt! Give me this and you have me forever..

So, I ask you… is this not what we all want…?

We allow ourselves to grow apart, allowing ourselves to stagnate, allowing ourselves not to “keep” up with our partners. We see it’s heading for disaster but we not doing anything to mend it because we’re either far ahead or far behind. We see the shortcomings, we don’t talk about it, but rather start comparing them to others, talk to others, complaining constantly to others..And how does this fix the problems?

We fix it by talking about it immediately, not three weeks later, by not going to bed angry, by doing it in a dignified and respectful way. Listen to understand first, then to answer…very important. Don’t think to answer if you don’t understand what to answer!

And don’t worry about what others think or say, because they not living your life for you. You don’t have to be visible to others when praying. You certainly don’t have to justify the way you live to anyone. You respect your elders, always! And remember that there is only one God. Do not make another god of anything or anyone else. We can love them, it, her,him but they are not the sustainer..they are temporary.

So let’s change the attitude and mind set, lets be innovative of how to get rid of the negatives and focus positively on how to get things back on track. It could be a slow process and accept this. We invest half a lifetime in a relationship and a lot of hard work has gone into so many elements and facets and we can only look forward to so many positive and exciting things..

Don’t take anything for granted and the one shouldn’t rely on the other for a kick-start. If you see it’s losing flame, give it some air…

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
And say ” I love you”….more often.

family

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15 thoughts on “We want the same..

  1. sinsofamother January 16, 2016 / 6:22 am

    Absolutely loved the piece,I’m not going to comment much on it because you said all the right things. Having gone through what you going through makes my tears well up, coz there are still times that i sit alone and think of the ‘what ifs’ – I long for the day that we all stop and say ‘well this shit aint working anymore, im getting out and starting over’ instead of ‘oh, lets give it another try, maybe this time around it will be better’ over and over again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 212design January 16, 2016 / 7:24 am

    Your words echo the thoughts of many…Sadly for most people all it will ever be is thoughts. Instead of opening up and speaking our minds,be it to our partners our siblings our colleagues, we remain silent. We have an internal build up events or situations which constantly replays in our minds creating nothing but a bubbling, broiling cauldron of disaster. Sadly when the cauldron overflows its brim its contents scorches the innocent people in our lives which had nothing to do with the injustices done unto us.
    Therefore your post is a reminder of what we should strive to achieve for overall wellbeing…Because a healthy heart + a healthy mind = a happy soul!

    Like

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 7:28 am

      I want you to know that you are one of the reasons I started writing. You were always so eloquent and I took so much from it. I thank God im privileged to have you in my life and to inspire others 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Tina January 16, 2016 / 7:25 am

    Great piece. It definitely resonates with me and it’s almost identical to my story. I found that one has to accept the things you cannot change even though it’s almost impossible to do. Lol.

    Like

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 7:45 am

      oh yes tina, that is true.it’s one of those annoying things in life. and ambition makes it almost impossible, but patience and perseverance should save the day! I hope you stay around 🙂

      Like

  4. hariatahema January 16, 2016 / 8:17 am

    Hi. I would like to read your “about me’ page, as you have piqued my interest. (And we like the same WP theme!) Looking forward to more. All the best for Blogging 101

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 9:07 am

      Oh my word Jules!!! Are you blogging too??? Omw, goosebumps..Mwah Mwah. I miss you my love 🙂 I’m following youuuu!

      Like

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 9:08 am

      Sorry that reply wasn’t meant for you 😦 Did you read my about? If you did then thank you very much. And I hope to keep the interest going. Take care 🙂

      Like

  5. naeemthebus January 16, 2016 / 9:45 am

    Life comes with so many experiences and tribulations that are meant to be laid within our paths. These experiences and challenges make us who we are and build an impenetrable character of strong will, heart and humility. It’s safe to say that without these pitfalls and moments where we take a step back and take a good look at where we are and how we’re doing, we would be such miserable and purposeless human beings. What a brilliant example of a life filled with trials and the will and strength to strive for that which you deserve. I am so honored to call this woman my mother. 🙂 Just as my mantra says “If you’re going through hell, keep going” there’s always a happy place waiting. I firmly believe that.
    Family is Everything .. I love you mom.

    N. Thebus

    Like

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 9:59 am

      I’m speechless, not because I’m at awe of your maturity, intelligence or choice of words as you were born the Mr Eloquent one, the serious one, always dedicated and hardworking. But because you see the bigger picture behind the human, the voice within the human, and understood that this struggle is not yours. I love you too Naeem..

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Yumnah January 16, 2016 / 10:06 am

    Very beautiful well said 😊😊every one goes through problems and the best part is when we all make it out alive😊😊

    Like

  7. Yumnah January 16, 2016 / 10:06 am

    Very beautiful well said 😊😊every one goes through problems and the best part is when we all make it out alive😊😊my role model

    Like

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 10:22 am

      You wise little one you 🙂 I’ve never imagine my little princess giving me food for thought. Love you Yumi 🙂 🙂

      Like

  8. nur January 16, 2016 / 12:13 pm

    Very personal bt true as long as we always have each others backs we will b okey no matter what .i believe comunication is key if we keep that everything will b fine nd i agree the key to a succesfull and happy family is to compromise bt not to mistake that for settle for less then wat u deserve theres is a major diffirence….when i think of u guys i feel blessed cz we the perfect family bt yes everything isnt always perfect .ive learnt many many many things from u mom bt most important thing of all is that nothing is impossible the darkest tyms never last theres always hope never lose hope and always always keep our faith And never ever give up .i love you nd my hole family no matter what .U always tell me that i always look for the good in people even if they have done bad things i do that cz u r a good person my father is a good man i do that cz u raised me to always help to never turn ur back on people when they need help theres always 2 sides to a story am running out of words now so il end off by sayin i love you 2 NO MATTER WAT I WILL AKWAYS HAVE UR BACK MOMMY

    Like

    • Kami January 16, 2016 / 1:00 pm

      If anything, you’ve made me cry :-)! But it’s good tears, proud tears for turning out the man you are…You deserve nothing less than only the best. I will do it all over Nur 🙂 I love you my cherub!

      Like

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