I feel his soft fingers trailing up my leg, leaving a path of saluting hairs, leaving me confused and wanting. Wanting him to start again or moving on..hoping he goes where I want him to go, where a volcano is slowly hissing, coming to life.
” You have beautiful toes Sarah”
“No I don’t” I said blushing.
He comes in and captured my already swollen lips. I gasped for air as I know what this means. I know I’m going to be loved and I’m not even sure if I love him. All I know is that I fell in love with my sister’s fiance.
I wake up with a start, soaking wet and heaving for air. Oh my god, will the guilt ever go away. Will I ever stop thinking of that fateful day. Will the rest ever become just another part of life. Will I ever forget my mother’s word’s and more importantly, her word’s that followed.
I slowly became aware of my surroundings. For a minute I wished I was in my sunny loft apartment, unfinished paintings posed on aisles, coffee brewing and it’s aroma spilling into every crevice of the place I call home.
But sadly I was in my old room, the surroundings bringing back an onslaught of memories. Memories that brings back so much pain, so much guilt. If only I didn’t. I became aware of the laughter and chatter downstairs and I heard someone calling my name.
I hear Cindy running up the stairs calling my name. For a minute I close my eyes, run my hands through my hair and wish I could forgive myself, just one time, just once so that I can look my sister in the eyes and show her the love I have for her. I can’t even muster that! It would have been so much better had she hated me, dear God!
Sarah! Guess what!! His parents are coming, oh my god, what do I do..I mean do you think they will like me? What if they don’t? Maybe they’ll think I’m not good enough for their son ”
Oh stop it Cinds, who cannot love you? And besides you’re beautiful, gorgeous, educated and you’re have a good career. Any parent will wish for a daughter like you. So stop worrying ok”
I get her on a sixth pace and grab her, sandwiching her face..”Stop worrying Cinds, it’ll be fine I promise you”
She grabs me by the shoulders, and nervously bit her bottom lip, something she often does when she’s nervous.”How can you be so sure?”
I take her face in my hands ” because there’s nothing about you that anyone will dislike, you are perfect Cindy, he loves you and you’re marrying him and not his family” So stop worrying ok, it’ll work out, you’ll see”
I don’t even know what I should wear, I don’t have anything nice!
Of course you do, in fact I know what you should wear! I excitingly say.
But for now we going downstairs and enjoy the snobs!
“Shhh you shouldn’t say that Sarah” she softly chastised.
“Please promise me you’ll put on your best behavior” With this she smiles and looked me right in the eye and willed me to a promise.
“Ok, I’ll behave but I’m only staying around for a while. I have an article I have to finish to send off to Adrian”
Adrian is my best girlfriend trapped in a man’s body. I’m sure by now he’s frantically trying to get hold of me, burning his ulcer in the process but also knowing very well that he’ll get the article when I’m ready to send it.
“I’ll be down in a minute.
She gave me a pensive nod and walked out. I’m sure she was thinking of her meeting with the Arabs. I couldn’t imagine my conservative sis going for an Arab. She must love him very much and hopefully he feels the same. With that thought, I get a jolt running up my spine and settling in the pit of my stomach. I literally had to shake that feeling off. And I know it has to do with a pair of smouldering grey eyes. It reminds of a fire burning slowly, spewing flecks of ash around, and mesmerizing specks of gold flames flicking, desperately wanting to come alive.
Oh shit, I can’t be thinking this way! But it’s hard to get that picture out of my head. It’s so perfect that I need to put it on a canvas. But that has to wait, that yearning to express my imagination, have to wait.
I hurriedly put on some eye make-up and that’s how far as it goes with regards to make-up. My hand goes through my hair and I’m oblivious of the result. I briefly look at myself in the mirror and saw, big blue eyes, turning green at times, an old Levi jeans perfectly cupping my rear, white shirt, my oldest and dearest jack purcell’s with part of my hair refusing to go down. I shrug and go down to face the high and mighty society. I smile to myself just thinking of how they’ll look at me.
Some would even whisper behind their well manicured hands “She was always the wild one” and still give me their best pasted on smile. Careful not to crack the make-up plastered on their face. And I’ll then do what I always do, nod and walk away.
It’s going to be a long night! But I’m only doing this for Cindy.
I hear the first gasp as I walk into the expansive dining area. And as if on queue I hear my mother’s heels clicking in my direction. I turn towards her and gave her my best smile.
“Hey mom, you’re looking gorgeous as ever” giving her a quick peck on her cheek.
” and that hair color really suits you” I softly say while leaning into her. As I know she would never want anyone to know that she is dying her hair.
My ploy always works, she stutters and nervously touch her hair.
“Do you think it looks OK?”
“Yes, it’s perfect” I say smiling
She mumbles something and walks off. Probably to find another Barbie to converse with.
“Dinner is ready” I hear our butler saying. I realize then how hungry I was. I find the nearest chair and didn’t wait for any nicety, and immediately started to pack my plate. I hear the familiar murmurs of disgust but paid no attention to any.
” Hi Sarah”
I got such a fright that I choked and started coughing and frantically trying to get air at the same time! People was starting to stare and my mother looked borderline flustered. It didn’t matter if I’m busy chocking, it’s all about her image.
” Are you ok, can I get you some water?”
Oh dear shit, just shut up and stop talking, I’m having a moment here and you’re not only the cause of my discomfort, but you’re making things worse!
I waved my hands in his direction and with tears streaming down my face, showed him thumbs up, that I’m ok. I drank some water and then he lightly cupped my shoulder blade. With that, I spewed out the water and this of course created more ghastly gasps! Shit man, can all this embarrassment just stop! Can he just stop!
When I finally got my breath back, and everyone has decided that I’m just faking my near death, touching their hair and delicately started to pick on their food. One is more afraid than the other, to eat. I decided eating is not for me, well not amongst fake and definitely not near this man who certainly has the ability to cause my death.
I decided to get some fresh air and to have a much needed cigarette. A habit my mother obviously frowns upon. I walk a few meters into the lavish garden, a sculpture at every corner surrounded by manicured lawns, pruned roses and added in are the delightful smells that wafts through the summer air, a bird calling it’s mate in a promise rhythm. I close my eyes and revel in the fog of beauty that surrounds me, the only place I find true solace, the artist in me feeling giddy with the splendor surrounding me. I fill my lungs with smoke and slowly blowing out circles and watch it disappear into the darkness.
“That is bad for you” I hear someone saying
“Fuck!” I jumped up and my heart felt like popping out of my chest.
Without thinking I reacted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? First you try to kill me when I was trying to fill my stomach! And now you sneak up on me, giving me a near heart attack” I was unaware of the foul words I’m using and I’m all hands flying, my heart still beating in my throat.
He’s next move was unexpected. My chest still heaving, he step up and reach for my hair, my head following trying to see what it is he’s doing.
” You have something in your hair” With that he takes out whatever it is in my hair and even that good intention felt like an irritating jolt.
” It’s a honeysuckle” he mumbles
“Yeah” I responded, feeling like a complete twit.
” Shouldn’t you be inside with your fiance?” I suddenly feel more irritated because I can feel the fire working itself up from the pit of my stomach, flushing my face.
“Well like you, I needed to get some air and I’m sorry to have startled you. And we also didn’t get a chance to get to know each other..properly” He added softly.
I suddenly feel ridiculous, something I rarely feel. This is my sister’s fiance. Why do I feel that I can’t get to know him better. I should feel relaxed and get to know him yes, nothing wrong with that. After all, he’s going to be like a brother soon. Yes…I am being silly.
“Yes, you’re right. We’re started off on a wrong footing” Nodding towards the house and smiled. ” I’m Sarah, and I’m an artist” I shove my hand out.
” I’m Adam and I’m a chef” He takes my hand, but instead of shaking it, he kissed the top of my callous fingers.
And at that very moment, the world changes. The carousel turning at a slow pace, they mould into one, the sun rises in the desert and she’s only covered in a sheer caftan, her nakedness clearly defined. Her fingers spreading over he’s perfect muscular torso..her fingers trailing the heartbeat tattooed on his chest..She’s in sync with him and feels the drumming of every beat..
That move took my breath away and I stopped breathing, everything else stopped, I couldn’t move, I was busy losing precious oxygen when he came up and looked at me, he’s face inches away from mine.
I heard his husky voice saying. ” Sarah, I suggest you stop licking your lips and close your mouth before I do”
“Uhh uhm” I stuttered, licking my lips, god dammit!
“I was hoping you’d do that” With that he leaned in and brush my lips, making me whimper and leaning forward I close my eyes, waiting for the onslaught. I can smell his minty breath. He pulled my bottom lip and I moaned. I’m vaguely aware of his hand travelling under my t-shirt, resting on my hip, unknowingly finding that erogenous zone, the pulse between my legs is becoming stronger than the one in my chest (sweet mother mary!) All the blood racing to below my navel, creating a steady pulsating between my unsteady legs.
He looked at my chest rise and fall and like on queue, my nipples hardened and desperately trying to free themselves from my sport’s bra. As if he read’s my mind, he pushes up my t-shirt with my bra and captured a nipple between his teeth, nibbling, slowly sucking, flicking my nipples making them as hard as rocks!
As if in a trance he’s eyes hooded, he hungrily continue to suck, equally giving attention to both breasts. I started shaking, wanting more. With my head back, I savored that moment, vaguely knowing that what’s happening is all wrong.
But that very moment it felt absolutely right!
I feel him reaching for the buttons to my jeans and all I can think of, is him reaching for that hot and damp spot, opening and prodding…I moaned as his long fingers finally found my spot, expertly knowing he’s way around.
I can feel him throbbing against me, rising to the occasion. His other hand cupping my ass, pressing himself into me. It’s primitive, I’m losing all senses! I start writhing against his hand all the while he is kissing me, sucking my tongue, nibbling my lips. He knows I need release.
“Please” I whimper.. I was breathing so fast by now, moaning against him.
“Yes!” “I want you Sarah’..” I heard his urgent whisper.
And with those exact words, I jolt awake! I felt like I’m waking up from a nightmare, I pushed him away. Touching my lips and hurriedly pulling my shirt down.
“No..no! I’m sorry..uhm I should never have allowed it, please forgive me”
“Sarah you did nothing wrong” he tried to reach for me but I jumped around him
“You know this is right, it feels right..Sarah!” I heard him calling. I practically ran towards the house feeling ashamed!
I didn’t notice Cindy until I bumped into her….
Oh no! What did she see! Did she hear anything? How long has she been standing here… I can feel roaring in my head, the world is spinning.
This can’t be happening..