Happy Birthday My Poplap

I promised you I’ll write about you..

Well, here goes…a short but very sweet one💗

You’re hardly sweet pffft. I look at you and I still marvel in your stubbornness, wit and intelligence. From the first day I layed eyes on you, you never let me out of your sight. I was the cow and you were my calf. Yep, that’s exactly how it went down.😂  We were joined at the hip and it was very difficult to leave you anywhere. You hated driving and used to cry all the way to Cavendish and back home. The minute you couldn’t see me, you would bring the house down!💣💣 I had to take you everywhere I went…yep even the toilet😫

All curly and Girly💗

I remember trying desperately to wean you and having to go on a  week long business trip, I thought this is it, I’m finally going to get back my precious body parts😊 But a week  of discomfort was quickly forgotten the minute I picked your tiny body up and you moaned into my chest. I was lost, all resolved caved and I was back to being your nurturer. And I’ll do it all over again!

It’s My House, and I Live Here🙋🙋

Your creche days lasted all but 5 days😏 And I’m grateful to have gotten the most caring nanny in the world! Shukran Maya, we’ll always be grateful for you. You’re part of the reason why Yumnah is the young woman she is today😘

People say you’re the split image of me growing up and I believe that now. I can certainly see the strong minded, opinionated, stubborn and ambitious young girl growing up to be one helluva force to be reckon with. You’re gorgeous my POP LAP, and I’ll Love you forever. 💚💚💗💗

Remember…Love deeply, don’t settle, respect your siblings and parents and stay true to yourself.  I thank the Almighty for granting you another year, and I wish you a prosperous life.  You’re beautiful my Love💗

Mini Me💞💞
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The last year

I have so much to tell but don’t know how to put things in perspective. I think I generally fail in that area. Maybe because I think too much and then I end up stuck in between the jungle of thoughts and cannot clearly decipher or work myself out of it.

When I get to this junction, I normally write. I just write and write and not necessarily in any order. I have no qualms about full stops, commas or over using dot dot dot. I don’t write for an accolade. I write because I write better than what I talk. And I think most people do. Writing gives you that extra second to think, it gives you the opportunity to say something in a better way, in an eloquent way,  it gives you the added bonus of adding emotions to a story.

Long long ago there was a frog and a princess..naaah its not one of those stories. This is so cool, it’s so cool to do  what you want and to say what you want, but I promised my son that I’m not writing soppy stories anymore and it’s not going to be soppy!

So it’s just going to bits and bops of The Last Year🙋

Ethan The Warrior

The day I learnt of your coming, was a sad day, but unknowingly then,  you were going to give me the strength to face all my fears. And oh dear, let’s just add that I was really not ready to be a granny😱 I used to take pride in not being granny at my age, but God had his own plans.

He’s more like MY warrior💗💗 He was my sunshine in the rain. For once in my life, I could lean on someone else and not once did that little, tiny person turn his back on me. I used to get high on just sniffing him and snuggling up to his warm, soft cheeks and get lost in his toothless smile. I love you Ethan, you are Nana’s “hart se punt”. Sadly you stripped your daddy from his title😘

This song of Teddy Pendergrass explains how I feel about you

And when you walked into my life
Suddenly I knew
All the love I had inside
Was leading me to you

Our new Adventure

It’s so difficult to say how children will take to a divorce. People say, when they small, they don’t remember much they easily forget and that it’s more difficult when they’re bigger, older. I always say that I cannot agree to something if I haven’t gone through and experienced it myself. I let logic decide and if it adds up, I accept it. Well I wish my experience was as easy as using logic. I lost it a couple of times, I was a walking emotional time bomb. I was afraid I was going to lose my kids to their father. I looked out for signs of betrayal, I believe I sometimes fabricated reasons to attack them. I cried in silence and the more I tried to stay sane, the more I felt broken. I didn’t know how to tell them that I’m scared of losing them and that I won’t survive if I should. I always only know how to be strong and I hated that I still wanted to be strong. I wanted to break down, I wanted to shout, hit someone, kick something, anything!

Yes, like every time bomb this one blew up but the result wasn’t devastating but rather bittersweet. It was moments of honesty, there was lotsa tears, revelations but most of all there was not a chance that I’ll ever lose my babies. They have my back and I’ll always have theirs. The moral of the story is that they love their father as much as they love me and this was never their battle. In fact I believe they suffer more than what we do.

The following gave me Hope, inspiration and Trust:

An extract from Will Power:💗

This is a matter of guidance from the creator and time healing and letting the scars close and be a reminder of how to conduct ourselves as future partners in a marriage and as parents. We were involved too much, we’ve seen too much and it’s still there. Visible and within remembrance. The worst is not Over, it’s still there. Everyone is at a point in their lives where they feel unloved, unrecognised, disregarded and unwanted. So we lashout, we forget, we display the same negative traits that we feel is being inflicted on us. I have always been proud of my mother. I have never disregarded your success and your achievements. I am the man I am because of you

(I still cry every time I read this. The worst is over my son, we’re on our road to recovery💚 I love you!)


An extract from Love:💞

I miss that when you would come home  from work and make us food. And we would all eat as a family .

And thats really what meant alot to me .But when we left i forgot how many things count in my life .

You know you can leave that life behind but to think about the little things that matter ,thats hard .

So i became angry 

Giving sarcastic  statements 

To not only you 

But everyone around me 

Being angry every day .

And i realised that’s not me ! 

I am that girl who still sleeps in her mothers arms .That girl who still needs to teach her dad how to take a selfie .

Thats me ! 

And i want to be me again .

So im starting with my mommy .

Im sorry mommy 

Shukran mommy for everything you have done I will never forget that , and one day I will tell my kids my mommy was successfull and strong independent and Thats what I want to be really 💔 Shukran 💔❤

(Thank you poplap, and I’m sorry too.. you’re wise beyond your years)


And the man that always Persevere:😍

I Love you mumz, forever💗

(And one of few words….I love you too!)

 

And finally I can put that heartache behind me, behind all of us. Wake up and see the sun shining through my bedroom window. Thank God for what I have and for bestowing His infinite mercy on us. And I’m grateful for my good circle of friends who was there when I needed them🙋

I am no longer wearing my wellington boots, plowing through mud, I no longer have to question loyalty, I can trust in Love again.💜💜 

And it’s the right time to organize a dream holiday overseas…maybe Europe, maybe Asia. It doesn’t matter, what matters is it’s another tick off the Bucket List! BOOM!!😍🙋

Onvoorwaardelike Liefde

Sy sit voor oor, gebuig en rug krom

Haar gesig met permanente lyne

Maar steeds n gesig vol liefde

Haar lippe glad en sag soos myne

Sy kyk op en glimlag, en dit maak my dag

Vol liefde is haar druk, en ek smag vir dit nog elke dag

Ek mis jou 

*
Ek verlang na jou wysheid

Ek moes ma geluister het
Jou arms was my le plek

Dus waar ek veilig gevoel het

Jy vryf my kop, en ek is weg

Jy soen my op my voorkop en sus my aan die slaap

Ek vra n duisend vrae, ek wil verstaan

Dan sy jy, “Laat dit maar gaan”

“Ek is lief vir jou, en dit is al wat saak maak”

Jou woorde het my gestil

Jou liefde was goed vir my siel

Hoe wens ek jy was nog hier

Ek wil jou net trots gemaak het

Ek mis jou 

*
Dit was altyd net ek en jy, hand aan hand

Ek mis jou eindlose vingers

Altyd sag, warm en geknoop aan myne

Nie weer was daar n liefde soos joune

Jy was beeldskoon, binne en buite

Jou vel was sag, jou hare dun soos die wind

Hoe wens ek jy kon sien

Maak ek jou trots?

Ek mis jou 

*
Die pad was swaar sonder jou

Ek probeer om te onthou

Die herrineringe is nog vars, dus soos gister

Ek verbeel my ek ruik jou 

Ek mis jou

Ek wil regop loop soos jou

Trots en met n glimlag

Ek is hier deur jou

Ek is die moeder wat ek is vandag, deur jou
Hoe wens ek jy kon hulle sien

Jy sal trots gewees het

En dus omdat jy my moeder was

Jy was my voetspore, jy was my alles

My hart is seer

Hoor jy as ek praat? 

Sien jy as ek treur?

Ek mis jou

*
A short poem in memory of Getrude, Susan Kleinsmith. Happy Birthday there in Heaven💗

You’re Twenty One NT :-) 

I promise this is going to be short. And I promise I’m not going to post funny baby pictures 🙂 …..NOT!

 

You’re finally an adult, whoop whoop! I can no longer call you my baby, sad isn’t it. Cos this only means I’m getting old 😦

Well that is the circle of life my son and one day, you’ll write a very similar memoir for your son 🙂

mde
The key to Life 🙂 

 

Happy 21st birthday Na-eem 🙂  I Love you long time. I don’t say it enough..one can’t say it enough, but should say it all the time!   You are the son I always wanted. I pray that the Almighty grant you good health, Halaal rizq, Taqwa, always surround you with the cloak of Imaan, a long and prosperous Umr Inshallah… And Don’t stop dancing baby 🙂

One day, long,long ago on a surprisingly sunny winter’s day I was bouncing off the walls cos the Springboks won the world cup! Oh my word, was that a day forever ingrained in many memories, and a day to go down in history!! WE as a nation finally won our spot back onto the sporting arena, it was a day I will never forget and I’m sure many felt the same way. There proudly stood the one man that sincerely fought for freedom from the oppressors, the one man that showed continuous humility and dignity and with unwavering commitment to what is right. A man we all could learn from for he has surely played an integral part in making that unforgettable day possible. He sacrificed a lifetime so that we could enjoy the fruits of his sacrifice!
Green and gold was the colours of the day!!!

 

I was told you were coming a week earlier, pffft I never believed it though. Being a stickler for numbers and always wanting to be prepared, I did the math and you were to be born on the 27th of June 1995. Not a day sooner or a day later. I felt the first twinge whilst coming down from the euphoric feeling and marveling in the aftermath of victory.. of course I was prepared and knew I am going to meet you very soon 🙂

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The sky is the limit ..

I knew you were going to be a boy, but didn’t share this knowledge with anyone. You proudly ” winked” at me during one of the scans and I smiled from ear to ear. It was meant to be and I thank God every single day for the blessing he bestowed upon me. Well, it was one of my hardest physical battles, omw! You refused to make an entrance. I prayed, I begged and even bargained with the doctor! But you had your own time, you knew when it was, you’ve planned it all along and you finally appeared and in a very dignified manner 🙂 These are the qualities that you possess. You know what you want, you know when to do it, you’re one of the most disciplined people I know and you’re say it like it is, all with grace and panache. That’s my boy, right there 🙂 🙂

 

You wrote on everything you could find, cupboard doors, behind the doors, on the walls..always frantically waving a wand of some kind! And from a very young age you knew you wanted to be a teacher. You wanted to make that difference, and you did and still strive to do it.

As a baby you were obsessed with a vacuum and would run for it every time you heard the buzzing. It was the funniest thing ever! We would put you in the furthest room in the house, surrounded by toys , closing all the doors just so that we could vacuum hoping you wouldn’t hear anything and therefore stopping us from vacuuming! Well it didn’t work of course. You would come speeding towards it, and only to lay on the vacuum and to feel the buzzing. I would finally give up, and let you have your moment :-). One of your aunts even gave you an old vacuum for your birthday, but you quickly figured out that it’s not giving you the buzz you need.

One of your favorite movies was Mr Bean. Well…I had to play it over and over again and you would laugh at the same scenes, every time! As much as I was annoyed, I would laugh with you. You have that laugh, where you just shakes and can’t even talk! I love laughing with you 🙂

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Funny guy…

And your all time favorite was dancing to a Shah Rukh Khan movie 🙂  “Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham” and so many more others. I specifically remember this one cos we had to watch it to death but also because it had a hip beat!

You hated going to creche and because you had your granny wrapped around your finger, she finally let you stay with her. She said you didn’t need to go to creche, and that you have a head full of brains. She was right of course (may Allah grant her Jannah Ameen).

You would brag to me how your aunt prepares your lunch and that I don’t do it the same pfffft. They spoiled you and granny believed you could do nothing wrong.

You always had a string of friends, and I always knew you would make the right choices in friends. I never had to worry whether they’re bad for you. You don’t take any prisoners and you don’t tolerate drama. You carry yourself with dignity and  stay faithful in your Deen.

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Proud moment!

And then you became Head Boy. If I think that was a proud moment, then the day you’ve made your last speech, I was even more proud. I clapped hands, my vision swimming, smiling from ear to ear and bursting with pride. It’s one of those days I will never forget.

I enjoy serenading with you to a Whitney song, AKA, Manhattans, Justin Bieber, Drake James Ingram and many more…dance to Kwaito and House music..

And more importantly, I love listening to you when you recite the Quran. Your voice is laced with emotions, you take us through that beautiful journey and one cannot help but listen and revel in the splendor of God’s word. It’s like music to  one’s ears.:-)

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Love your face 🙂

 I listen to you and how you perceive your peers and  you make me so proud. You look at things objectively and with integrity. You don’t compromise on your beliefs, values and ethics. You going to do so well, you’re going to conquer the world and I wish you infinite success in all your challenges my son 🙂

I’ve raised you for the world and not for myself. This is something not many understand. I gave you the tools, so go forthwith and be a success. Earn and give the respect. Give and receive. Listen and learn. Honor your parents. Pray and forgive. Look out for your siblings, always! Laugh, dance, be happy and never settle for anything less!

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Happy happy Birthday Na-eem Thebus. You the reason I get up everyday, you the reason I didn’t give up, when you needed me the most. I hope that I’ve done enough. I hope I’ve danced with you enough.

Remember what I told you…Love hard and never be afraid to show it!

Never forget Granny and Aunty Mielah who cared and nurtured you when I couldn’t. May Allah grant them Janaah, Ameen. Both, loved and disciplined you in their own way

I love you Na-eem Thebus 🙂

 

What a child needs

Have you ever thought about whether you doing a good job raising your kids? How do you know this?
Are we too self absorbed in our losses that we tend to take the wrong approach when it comes to arming our kids for the world. I have a few mottos in life, one being “raise your kids for the world”. It could be up for debate for some, so let’s talk about it. So why raise your children for the world? What does it mean? What does it even entail..

Humility is big in my books. If you don’t have empathy, understanding, respect for your fellow man, then you will not get very far in life. In my experience as a parent I am going to be the first one to say that being a parent, guider, sustainer, leader etc are one of the hardest things to do. It’s one job that accolades are not freely handed out but rather judged or frown upon by society. Some of us try to live our losses through our children. We try to make up for our short comings or lack of achievements and create our lives we dreamt of through our children. That is a big injustice isn’t it..

Besides the fact that economics changed, politics evolved, technology has changed our social skills, a bread cost so much more, integrity means far less, we want to force them to do what we couldn’t, what we dreamt of becoming growing up. And that’s a fine line to cross because we all hover over that line from time to time. It takes extreme balance to make sure we shift our weight back to us, back to accepting that we were eighteen and pregnant, we were told to go work at the age of sixteen to sustain a family of six, we had no choice but to go work as the mere laborer, the mere machinist..
But what did it make us as individuals, as parents..?It made us the achievers of today! Instead of trying to create the fantasy we never had, we should pat ourselves on the back because our sacrifices are what created our beautiful souls.

So what are the fundamental basis to create well balanced future leaders? I can only think of three important aspects that comes to mind. If you can think of anything else, please feel free to contribute and discuss.

Be emotionally available:
How often are we in the actual, physical space with our children but our hearts and heads are everywhere and anywhere else?
We constantly chasing the never reaching rainbow. We are too focused on what we look like, the house that we want, the car that we want. It becomes a natural thing to nod and say “yes….really…oh…ok..?…”
Being emotionally available requires us to pay attention, close attention and to respond compassionately.
We shove technology in their hand and expect them to be socially equipped so that we have more free time for ourselves to try and catch up whatever we’ve lost…. Let me tell you something…It’s never going to happen. The best thing to do is to create the best path for your child.

Multitasking our time with our children has become a norm and we don’t make the time to look at them and engaging with them. Our minds are anywhere but the story of ” the boy said he’s going cut my hair,”. Until something untoward happens, we either look for someone else to blame or carry the burden of guilt. I fall in the latter category. I never look at the next person to blame whenever my children find themselves in a precarious position. And yes, there was an incident that happened to one of my children and it was a wake up call for me. I was ready to blame the choice of friends, but realized that I will do the same injustices that was done unto me. I firmly believe that people are influences in your life, but you still have a choice. The choice between right and wrong. You need to know or say ” this is wrong and my parents armed me to know the difference between right and wrong..”

At another time amidst writing three exams and juggling between studying for exams and work, my daughter start telling me about her day (after I asked her…as an after thought, or rather automatically..- “Hi, how was your day”) and of course I’ve not heard a single word she said. She came to stand in front of me, sandwich my face and said ” Mom, you’re looking at me but you’re not listening to me”.
And since that day, I am looking at my kids when they talk to me. Engaging is so important for them, it makes them feel that they mean something and whatever they’re sharing are important and like that they reciprocate, as well as handing it out to the world. So stop doing what you doing and pay attention!

Provide limits and discipline:
I am very old fashioned to a certain extent. I like to refer to this analogy – Our children are our puppets on a string and we play them how we see fit, we pull and release and assess their inputs and outputs, how they handle responsibilities, discipline, respect and self respect. We let go slightly to ascertain whether we can trust our kids, how much we should allow, or how little. It’s an ongoing process.

I get highly irritated when I hear a parent says “oh she’s not listening to me – he does his own thing”
Really? Surely there is something wrong with that statement? Who is working from nine-to five, who is providing, who is paying the bills. Why are we so complacent, why does it look like we are becoming the kids, and they’re becoming the parent. If we don’t set clear boundaries or create a “free for all-do what you want to” basis then we creating less disciplined leaders, disrespectful adults, lazy individuals, society that has no ambition to grow, little big monsters! All this is what you sending out to the world, you creating a cauldron of events in your child’s path that he/she won’t be armed to deal with.
We allow dating from a very young age, I certainly don’t believe in dating whilst at school. Yes some will say that’s preposterous in today’s life! I’m arguing, what is? What is today’s life? Social media, free condoms at school, pregnancy are allowed on schools- girls are walking ducks talking about everything else besides solving for x! They have their babies, mommy becomes granny, we’re all proud and smiles, and she goes back to school. Don’t get me wrong, education is your passport to better, to greater things but mistakes are made to learn from. So where’s the lesson in this one?

Yes it’s definitely harder than what it was thirty years ago but who are pulling the strings, who determines the discipline and respect? And ultimately, who is setting the pace?
Why don’t we rather cultivate self respect, self discipline, future leaders, empathy, humility, good values and strong minds.
All this can be done without forcing your child to get a degree in whatever you couldn’t. Again, I am an advocate for enhancement for improvement for better and higher education will give them the ability to be future leaders and providers.

But does it teach them the important values and principles? The importance of family, the unimportant  flashy car, the importance of knowing that you don’t shack your parents up in an old age home, you don’t turn your back on your struggling sibling, you give without expecting anything back in return, you don’t keep a tally on what you do for anyone, you stay humble, you keep the faith and to be good from the inside out. Worldly possessions are just that, it’s temporarily and can be lost at anytime, but good values are permanent – no one can take that away.
Parents that see discipline as a teaching opportunity raise children who experience much better outcomes in their own lives.

Find happiness and meaning in being a parent:

This must be the most rewarding job I’ve ever had to do, and my god, its the most difficult job ever. You constantly plan ahead, you question all the time. There was and still are times when I feel I’ve done the wrong decision. Right now I’m finding myself feeling anxious because I want my daughter to attend a good high school. Was it the right train of thought? My sons did very well in model c schools, so what makes me think it’s not good enough for my daughter. I debate this thought and say I want better for her, I can afford to give her a better chance, she is a girl so I want her to be safe, she’s a free spirit and I want her to excel in extra mural activities on and on I go, trying to justify why the change of perception.
I cart my son from campus to campus because I want to do it. I go crazy when he invades my time and space, I throw a tantrum but yet it’s so rewarding when I see him walk towards the car, all tired but excitingly telling me about his day. I look at him through my rear view mirror and I think ” it’s all worth it”
I nag the eldest to get his license all the time because why do I have to still cart him around.He has his own car, but is not allowed to drive without his license. But when he gets into the car he asks me how I am, kisses me and my heart melts, I immediately forget about my agitation.

This is where I find happiness and the true meaning of being a parent is to guide and to protect against all odds.Parenting is not all about ‘happy moments.’ In fact, much of family life is hard work, plain and simple.

So practice better understanding and let’s be more influential in teaching our children good ways to act Show them love so that they can hand it out. Let them be their own person, don’t break their spirits, dance with them, laugh with them and be the parent

 

The guilt of a lifetime

Growing up, abuse didn’t have a name. It was never something that was discussed or even addressed. I believe our grandparents, our elders refused to acknowledge that there was a problem.
Abuse was prevalent and it happened in every other household..but nobody spoke about it, and nothing was done about it.

I remember my granny and I went to visit an aunt who lived on a farm. It was a real farm where vegetables were grown and had to be sowed when the time was right. And we’ll all jump in to help. I remember how I use to ran barefoot through the fields, picking the best carrots and potatoes and then fill up my basket and then fill up the cart. It was magical. I loved the feeling of the sand pushing up through my toes! We would be out in the fields for most of the day but the best part was the feast that was always waiting. A warm vegetables stew with freshly baked bread and there was always dessert with a cup of black koffiehuis coffee. Rice and milk was an unknown luxury. Bread was baked on a daily basis and coffee was freshly brewed and always regularly available.

The house was always buzzing with people and that aunt had..hmmm I think eight or ten children. So you can imagine what it was like to feed everyone, cleaning up, standing in a queue for a bath and then finally going to bed. My youngest cousin would start telling ghost stories and as much as it bothered me and most times prevented me from sleep, I would listen intently and make the necessary noices.
I was always one to easily trust, in fact I am still like that…I trust people very easily and I always keep an open mind. This is hardly a good thing or not always a good thing. My story is a testament of it..

In this particular household, there were five brothers which the youngest were about three years older than me.. I could’ve been seven or eight years old  at the time. Yes, I remember things..actually as I told a friend recently, I have selective memory. And sometimes this is necessary because some of the memories are too painful to remember and at times you suppress it and other times the brain either refuse to forget or you choose not to forget.
I was treated as the little princess and I would happily jump on a lap, or give a kiss and a hug. Walking in underwear was never something that I had to think about. Getting dress by one of my male cousins felt as normal as breathing.

On this particular day “he” (lets call him just that) called me into his room and said he has a gift for me. He pulled out a small box and it had the most beautiful pair of gold sleeper earrings in! I think I might have been wearing a shorts or a dress…I can’t remember that detail.
I got onto his lap and gave him a bug hug and a kiss! I was so taken by my gift and hardly noticed that anything was wrong. In any case, why would I think that anything was wrong, or how would I have known..I was still very young. And all that I knew as a child is that adults are your protectors from harm, they make you feel safe, they keep you safe. He then put me down to stand in front of him (I close my eyes and see it as if it happened yesterday..) and continued to put the earrings into my ears. I was still full of excitement!

The next minute he runs his hands over the front of my body…that was the first shock but I thought maybe it was his way of giving the adult affection. I however didn’t feel comfortable and stepped back. Next he pulls me towards him. Not too rough but a strong enough pull to ensure I stand between his legs.
I started feeling uncomfortable as I remember his hard breathing in my face and the sheen of sweat on his upper lip. I was already starting to protest and tears wasn’t far away. All I thought was that this doesn’t feel right and I wondered where everyone else was and how am I going to get away from him. He told me not to cry…well this brought on the silent tears as he then told me to be quiet and that he loves me and won’t hurt me..

(goodness, this is difficult and more so because I never told anyone at the time but only a good friend and my cousin…and only recently)

I could only shake my head, tears and snot everywhere,  hoping he would stop if I promise to do what he tells me to. Well he even went as far as wiping my tears and snot whilst making promises of not hurting me and how much he loves me. I must have closed my eyes, desperately trying to block out what was about to open and also to stop myself of shaking like a leaf because next I felt him fondling me over my underwear. I immediately jumped away but because he had me in a tight grip I didn’t jump far enough! By now I was wailing softly and this unfortunately spurred him on even more and the next moment he shoved his finger, luckily I still had my underwear on but the force of this action was still very painful.

Only God knew how I got away from his strong clutches, but I gave a hard pull , almost fell backwards and ran out of the room! I ran straight to the fields and remember thinking how am I going to explain what just happened.. who am I going to tell, will they believe me?

And then came the unbearable guilt. The guilty feeling because I believed I’ve done something to deserve what happened. I deserved it because maybe I shouldn’t be so giving, so loving, so trusting. And I shouldn’t walk around in only my underwear…
And because I felt 100% responsible, I told no one. I was too ashamed and disgusted and used to scrub myself for days amidst silent tears.

Then there was the abuse I’ve experienced at the hands of my stepmother which I’m not going to dwell into again as I have written about it in my earlier story The Fairytale.

Now as a grown up I always wonder whether any of this left ” a mark”. Did it have a consequence? Did it alter my character?

Am I scarred?
I don’t know.. What I do know is that I’m a fiercely protective mom, maybe even borderline going a bit overboard. If my adult sons tell me they going to friends, I give them a lecture as long as the river Nile..

I never wet the bed, I never bit my nails, my eyes never twitched, I never cried for anything or out of the blue, I never had nightmares and never did bad at school. In fact I excelled at most things, academically I was an A science student..ugh that was boring and dropped it in grade something, I was an athlete and loved sports, still do, I could socialize.

Hmmmm so I always wonder if there’s anything wrong with me. Am I carrying unseen scars…

Will Power, Endurance and Love

Will power, endurance and love. That’s my motto through life.
My Journey were and always are surrounded with those three sentiments. In fact my kids own those sentiments… I love talking about them, they make me happy and I’m blessed to have spawned them ( some humor ok…I hate no humor, so bloody boring)

Nurr is what his name means in the true essence, he is the Light I always needed, he threw my life in the opposite direction of what I had planned, but I would allow it all over again! He has such a caring and unselfish nature, he thinks about others before he considers himself. And yet his first 10 years of his life was mostly spent in hospital either as an in or out patient. Like me he struggled to breathe and at the age of 5 was diagnosed as a chronic asthmatic. I used to spend my days, nights, weekends, lunchtimes holding vigil next to my baby’s bed, too scared to sleep, eat or crap. I remember going home one afternoon , covered in vomit and poo,( I can still remember what I was wearing..a rust silk blouse with a long flowing, stripe skirt matching my shirt of course..) smelling like a portable toilet, for a quick shower and fresh clothes and stepping out naked in front of the mirror and had a fright of my life! I looked like a bag of bones, hollow face, eyes deep set in my head with black circles and yet that moment all I could think about was getting back to my baby! Back to sitting, half sleeping in the drafty, smelly hospital corridors praying for my boy to get better. Back to my cherub face, red cheeks, wispy hair and smiley face. He always had a smile on his face, and hardly sat still! Nurr, you kept me going, I Love you my son 🙂

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Nurr

And he turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, Thank God! He might not be the academic but he was a very good athlete.
He was the best striker for his football team, he always saved the day, and mommy dearest was always there jumping up and down !! Yeah, Goooaaalllll!
And he used to run like the wind, and got lots of accolades to prove it. Yah yah, I was that crazy mom on the stadium stand shouting ” you go Nur!!!, show dem !” Yah that was me and I remember he used to get very embarrassed and one day said to me ” mommy promise me you won’t shout my name so loud again”   Eeeeek, I ruffled his hair and said “ok, my boy..” I turned around and walked to my seat, and sat down and tried to contain myself, fingers drumming..Yirre huh uh it was hard. As the race started, I hid behind another crazy mom ( yeah, high five sista!) and started cheering for him “go Nurr, go Nurr, yeaaaah”!!! Oh yes, my baby won and I went home with no voice, but it was all worth it…I love you my baby, you’ve ENDURED 🙂

One day I realised that I’m getting older and I didn’t think of having another child but I couldn’t imagine Nurr growing up alone. I was consumed by work and my plans were slowly taking shape. I spoke to hubby and said I think we should have another baby.. I obviously hoped and prayed it was a girl so that I’d be done with babies and move on to climb the professional ladder. Hubby wanted a girl of course and I was hoping I could give him one because I know about daddy’s and their little girls..Well God had his own plans and I thank Him every day for granting me my second son, a bundle of joy 🙂 I remember having the hardest time bringing him into this world, cursing, swearing and begging my doctor to “take this child out now…i will pay you more…!”  ( well, I can’t say it helped to have your own private doctor, because it didn’t help me one bit…he just looked at me with so much wisdom, nodding and rubbing my hands…of course he knew, and I didn’t…”we almost there Mrs Thebus”…ugh)but the minute I looked into his lively eyes, his round face, stroking his endless fingers I knew I had a winner, I knew that very moment that he is going to make me proud!

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Naeem

I remember being a few months pregnant with him and attending the Whitney Houston concert , dancing and singing the whole night, and he was hooked! A true fan until the end, he loves my kinda music and we often serenade or dance together!

He is the epic example of what most want in a child. A true academic from start, hopeless as an athlete, couldn’t play soccer..he told me one day ” I don’t understand why everyone is running after one ball, it makes no sense” Yah, I said he was hopeless when it comes to sport. I totally love most sports so that was a bit of a disappointment but it was worth it! He excelled academically and was a top achiever and played chess..yah a strategic thinker, I love it! One has to anticipate the next move right..Oh of course I embarrassed him too, dearest mother 🙂 I remember him making his final speech as the Head Boy and I swear I was the only parent that clapped and looking around like a Cheshire cat saying ” that’s my son, yah that’s my boy…!” It was one of the best days of my life! I remember wiping away tears and looking through foggy eyes at my boy and thinking ‘God…I did something right!’ And he’s about to become the example he always portrayed, the leader that’s followed by many, the sharer of knowledge, the guider of paths, the teacher he always wanted to be. I love you son, you have the WILL POWER to succeed 🙂

 

So we all know how much fun it is to make babies right. Hmmm yum yum, I thoroughly enjoyed the third time! I was ready, it was planned to the T. We going to make this baby and it’s going to be a girl, come what may 🙂 I read every single Living and Loving, I always subscribed to it since expecting Nur. And I used to sit and mark the pages on “How to choose the sex of your Baby” I had stacks of them and sometimes fanned out on my bed..hmmm let’s see oh.. yah ..hmmmm ..yah ok so..oh! Ok I have to do that, then..? Yah?

Then there was the Ole wives tales of course oh my gosh, it was ridiculous but very funny. So keep the key on your head while making love, put a  pink ribbon on your toe, stand on your head, eat lotsa carrots, don’t look at stray dogs after 5pm, don’t pee, douche in white vinegar…on and on it went. Some recipes more ridiculous than the next
Well I thought about it and I always say that there has to be method in this madness. So let’s see if I can correlate the ole wives tale with nature or science or whatever it is! I surfed the internet and came across a very interesting article explaining the two dimensions and how some swears that there is a relation. Needless to say I started planning, organized a thermometer, checked the calendar and followed the notes of course. Hubby was too happy to obliged but it had to be at the right time!

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Yumnah

One evening we had people around and the night went on and on and it was also the night we had to do it and I was worried that we’re not going to get the opportunity! I called him to the room, whispering and explaining with hands waving all over the place that we have to do it that night. He shook his head and asked how to get rid of our visitors, I said I don’t know and don’t care and that he should think of something fast! Blah blah blah, fast forward..I douched, the temperature was right and then we waited…Now remember this must’ve been the third attempt and I made up my mind if it doesn’t work this time around, I’m giving up..what must be will be.
Life went on, days went by and one day during the month of Ramadaan I remember going shopping and I suddenly felt horrible. I thought it could be of the fasting and the shops being so full. I had terrible backache and wanted to vomit. I rushed home and laid down because I couldn’t take anything. It went on like this for days. My back felt like it was cracked, the pain unbearable. I then remembered reading an article on all the signs of pregnancy.  I didn’t think I could be because I never felt this way with the boys. Well I had a pregnancy test ready for a while but couldn’t get myself to do the test. I decided to stop being a prissy and took the test whilst everyone was sleeping. Well I almost woke the whole house with my shouting! But then anxiety set in and for the whole nine months, I had no idea what the sex of the baby was.

I went for three scans and every time the doctor couldn’t see cos it was always in a closed legs position!  I remember going home and telling my late mother in law and she said “don’t worry, I promise you it’s a girl” what a wise woman that was..I miss you mommy 🙂 May you be granted Janaah Ameen. Well I still wasn’t convinced it was a girl and even bought blue clothes because I was sure I could never be so lucky. Anyway, I should have known it’s a her because I’ve never ever been so emotional, so needy and so crazy OMG!
(let’s move on..I’m not sharing that part)

I knew labor was here but didn’t tell anybody, I took my mother in law somewhere, I packed my bag for the 10th time and said to myself and to ‘it’…“Ok if you are a boy, I will still love you until the end of times…” By the evening I was so uncomfortable but still never told anyone. Naeem gave me my favorite Nosh chocolate and I remember relaxing on my bed eating the chocolate when the first strong pain ribbed through my belly. I gave the first grunt and Naeem was close to tears, convinced it was because of the chocolate! I pacified him and told him it’s going to be ok.
Fast forward….little Miss Thebus, the queen of selfies, was born on Women’s Day. The apple of daddy’s eye,  my beautiful princess I could dress up, always protected by her doting brothers.
She’s the one that I always wanted. She’s beautiful, clever, a true witch and sometimes bitchy, very opinionated, stubborn like a mule itself but a heart full of LOVE. I love you Yumi 🙂

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My kids are the reason I’ve excelled in many things, they the reason I’m happy every day. I thank God that I am good at one thing, and that is being a great mom. This is something no human can take away, no one can make you feel inferior or insecure. It’s the only achievement with ongoing accolades. It only gets better and better. I wish my babies to be good people, to have empathy, to uplift and empower, to stay humble, to stay God fearing but most importantly, to be Happy!

To Endure, to always have the Will Power to succeed, and to truly Love

Love, love love 🙂

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I may not be perfect, but I’ve done something perfectly in my life 😉 says me

You are your friends…

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, mostly because my last two post was exhausting, no emotionally exhausting!
I had to tell about a loved one lost and a near failed marriage. Most people come very close or experience these two situations in their lifetime.

I’ve done lots of reflecting over the last month and I’ve come to realize that, its only up to you determine how its going to work out in the end.
Hmmm ok,  some might think this is such a cheesy post but it’s what I want to say and I’m excited!

I also have amazing friends and family  that supported me during this time. In fact I always had good friends, I choose my friends. They need to fall in a certain category….

do tell, you ask..
First and foremost, its imperative that they are more clever and intelligent than me, they are either more attractive than me OR equally as, they are broad minded,  they are loads of fun, they don’t judge, they dress well, they smell well, they make me laugh (oooh this is right up there!) and most importantly, they have to be humble individuals..

I have them all, and its explosive!

Then I have those that I don’t call friends per se but acquaintances, or family friends and family but they are equally special. A few of them stands out for me, and I’m almost convinced that they have no idea how I feel about them.

Lerene Watlington, you’ve always been such a rock! We are ages apart, but talking to you is like talking to myself( and it’s minimal, we would sometimes only talk 2 to 3 times a year!). You are an exceptional woman, beautiful, sexy, clever and humble..I adore you! You’ve made a difference in your life, and your steered the boat in a prosperous direction, with steel determination and that my friend, is what set you apart from the rest.

Tina Seale, I’ve always admired you from afar. I’m sure you surprised, to be acknowledged ( ok, calm down this is no Emmy Awards girl 🙂 ) And it was important for me to tell people how I feel about you. You’re a phenomenal woman! You’re clever, extremely ambitious and you go for what you believe will create the life you want. You as straight as an arrow ( this quality I find very refreshing) and say it like it is, and I don’t believe you do small talk very well.

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Nazeema Thebus, you are relentless (yirre and tiring…shhh dont tell!), unorthodox verby, opinionated, and always, always ready to help!!!You have endless energy and you don’t give up. You came into my life with a bang(literally mos )and it was a stormy and an exciting ride. You have a brain like those clever people, watsisname…Einstein himself and it’s constantly turning like a big wheel grrrrbrrrboom!, every now and then coming up for air! Believe it or not, I took lots from you and you’ve always been an inspiration. You’ve been through the mill ( ooh lots of us did) but you’ve came out tops! If I think of a happy and contented ,well balanced person, then I think of you. You’re extremely perceptive and you know everything of anything but also open to always learn from others. “You’re not made to break”…says Whitney 🙂

My friends….Gosh, where do I start, you’re all so special 🙂

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Vida Hartogh, you’ve played a pivotal role in my upbringing, and boy were you one strict “mom”! You’ve taught me so many good values and qualities. You never, never have anything bad to say about anyone. You were the one who taught me valuable things and you’re one of the reasons why I don’t give up easily, why I am a good mother, why I can cook and clean (shu, you were like Hitler himself when it comes to cleaniless!) And most importantly, you’re the most humble , non judgemental person I know and I wish many times that I can take you out of the ghettos, if nothing else. And remember, you did the best you could, and still do. May God bless you with all your heart desires, I love you, you are my best friend forever!

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Beverly Bell..Yirre Bev, where do I start..the first thing that comes to mind is your beautiful smile! Thank God, you’re my ray of sunshine, always was, always will be. We have so much in common, thus we will always be buddies. You such a beautiful , sensitive and humble person and you always have time for me. We can talk and laugh for hours! You were my rock sooo many times to mention and those times are unforgettable, I love you babes!

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Faiqah Achmat..You are my eloquent, sexy, intelligent, matured, and beautiful friend! I wish I was like you. You don’t get fazed easily, you have such an incredible and patient nature, my god , its what I admire the most. Your smile lights up the darkest of days. You are such a good daughter to your parents, and of those that appreciate the fact that you’re blessed to still have parents, its very very admirable. You always have a listening ear and not easily influenced and always objective. Most importantly, you’ve helped me with my achievements, gosh it was funny heeheee, and how you struggled with me solving for x ( I still don’t get it…! Pffft ) I will Always Love You, and We Every Woman at a Heartbreak Hotel! I’m sooo grateful to call you my best buddy! I can always count on you through thick and thin 🙂

 

wp-1454997408000.jpegAliyah Conrad…hmmm you remind me of a beautiful rosebud, turned full blossom 🙂 You are such an amazing, intelligent, fun verby! , sexy woman and extremely humble. You make me laugh, I can share my deepest sorrows and happiness with you and you’ll take it to your grave, Thank you! You’re the best mom ever despite doing it alone and against all odds. You deserve only the best, and He knows and remember, good things comes to those who waits. Turn the wheel in another direction, you never know, the road might be strewn with candy , chocolates and a firm ass 🙂 I’m crazy about you!

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Agnes Charles. You will stay my beautiful chocolate 🙂 You’re my friend that can dance till the break of dawn, meisie! Never again will I have a friend like you. You are sensitive, intelligent and a very good mom. You always hand out compliments easily and honestly and never afraid to take constructive criticism. You’ve been through the mill and back, but you’ve always been a fighter, I admire you for that. I always have loads of fun with you and you can talk shit, more than what anyone can actually shit! You remember my birthdays, you remember Eid..I feel lost if I don’t get that call, Thank you Agnes for being my loyal friend. Love, love, love you!!

Mymoema Thebus..I love you to the moon and back and I will go to the ends of the earth for you, literally! You have a heart of Gold and I treasure you with all my heart. I get emotional just thinking where we would have been without you. Shukran for being our pillar and everyone else’s.

Nazley Thebus…You’ve been holding my hand through bad, sad and good times. You’ve always been that shoulder I can lean on and the one I can laugh with. You’ve always listened, give advice again and again. I feel the duah’s you’ve made for me, Shukran. Inshallah, we will take that spiritual journey when the time is right.

Shanaaz Isaacs, Shukran sis for always being so honest and extremely open minded and for loving me for who I am. We might not have grown up together but we are two peas in a pod. You might not have the degree that I have, but you have the soul of a wise one, born a century ago! I’m so grateful for having you as my sister. God works in mysterious ways and it’s proven over and over again, I came to love you and can’t see you as not part of my life!

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Ayesha Adams, I miss your face! Thank you for playing an integral part in getting my degree off the ground! If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be stuck on the first two modules eeeek!

Jules, You’ve always brightened my day by your honest and open point of view and most importantly, you’ve made me laugh! Happy Birthday on your wedding 🙂 You are unforgettable.

Nadiema Vigeland, Shukran for being there for me during the darkest days of my life, I will always remember and be grateful, Mwah

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Naomi Van Rooy..what can I say, we childhood friends, saam opgegroei! And you will always stay my friend, no matter what.

Felecia Dominic vd Westhuizen and Faldelah Phigeland, your are my oldest chommies since primary school. Felicia, you were the cleverest girl in the class 🙂 and you always had a smile. We use to spend hours at the library, talk about books and we share the passion for reading 🙂 Faldelah, I remember we used to sit on your bed talking about boys and stuff heehee. You are beautiful inside and outside and reminds me of a ray of sunshine 🙂 . You never have anything bad to say of anyone. I wish you good health Inshallah.

And there you have it, in a nutshell. Everyone has to have a friend! You get the ones who only listens, who nods, who are opinionated, who gives advice, who doesn’t give advice.

You cannot be a friend if you cannot be honest, you will be a friend forever if you battle the storm… I am blessed 🙂 🙂

Stay true and real!

Kami

 

Did you fail….or did we?

Seeing her in that coffin, broken. They said I can’t touch her, because she’s broken and that they couldn’t fix her. I can’t kiss her, I can hardly even see her  through the tears streaming down my face…I struggle to breath. I feel light headed, I can’t control the shaking, I hear roaring in my head.
I need to breath, but I can’t breath, it’s so hard and I should be the strong one, it’s expected.. but as I look into her broken face I can’t help but to wonder….did you fail, or did we?

Did we do enough to help you cope with your demons? Or tried to understand how you felt about your losses?
Were you sad?
Did you cry?
Did you feel lost?
Most importantly, did you feel alone…?

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My world changed completely the day you were born, 17th October 1976. I was no longer the center of attraction. Every one doted over you, and everyone stopped seeing me. I didn’t like you! You slept on my place, everyone said how beautiful you are, you got toys that you couldn’t even play with!
I can still see the look on your grandparents face the day they saw you for the first time.
Your grandmother’s face lit up and she  couldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear with so much pride and you being born was the best thing that happened to them!

Ugh, I didn’t like you! I didn’t understand the fuss! I didn’t understand that you were the first grandchild on your father’s side. I didn’t  understand that you were the first born of your mom, and of course in the house. I felt like you took my mammie from me. My mammie that belongs only to me, who doted over me for years..ok for the six years I was around. I’ve just started sub A and everyone said I was a big girl now and how I needed to “look” after you. How?? I was still a baby myself, well I believed I was..

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Top Left : Your Mom, Rhoda, Denise, and of course…you

The feeling of resentment changed when you were six months old, you just had your first pair of earrings inserted. You fretted the whole afternoon and wasn’t happy about something. And you never fretted or cried unnecessarily, never.. You were such a good baby. You were so easy and everyone loved you.
Your mom then decided to see whether you needed a nappy change. She took off your nappy and saw you needed a change and asked me to stand in front of you at the bed so that you don’t fall off whilst she went to warm up your cloth.
I was seldom allowed to keep you unsupervised and jumped at the chance. As I looked down at you and you looked up at me, something happened that very moment. You smiled at me and for the first time I noticed your beautiful face, how perfect it was. You didn’t have any hair on your head, well hardly. Your skin was the color of fudge, and so soft, you smelled like baby and you were perfect!
You started a conversation with me, “gaagaaa, gooogooo” and I was a goner. I fell in love with you that very day and without knowing, it was written that I was going to fiercely protect you from all harm to come, I am going to sustain you in every way possible, I am going to be your surrogate mother.

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You grew up a beauty! You were spoiled rotten. Your grandparents from your dad side was crazy about you. You lacked nothing, absolutely nothing. It was my job to take you to them and I was more than happy to do it because I got my gifts as well. I got showered with love as well. And most importantly, I got fed. Oh yes, I always loved to eat, still do!
Whenever we went there it felt like Xmas. Your granny used to lay the table and you would swear I was a visitor for the first time. She would serve two or more different dishes and then dessert and would sit with me at the table whilst playing with you. Every often she would coach me “You must eat, you only ate a little”
Goodness, I believed I ate myself to a standstill!
I’ve never experienced such hospitality ever again in my life. If I want it, I have to pay for it now!

Along came your first loss, you were about four years old and one of your favorite people left this earth very suddenly. I, for once was devastated because I came to love your granny as my own. I mourned her loss maybe for selfish reasons but felt the loss nevertheless.

From here on-wards, your life spiraled out of control, riddled with bad luck and your destiny already carved but still unknown to man, to those close to you…

One evening whilst we were sitting at the dinner table , over tipped the primary stove with boiling water and spilled all over you! I can still see it as if it happened yesterday. I still hear your pain filled shrieks, I still hear mammie’s screams. She didn’t mean to, she didn’t mean to!!
You were burned on the whole of your chest, and close to third degree burns!
We thought we going to loose you then already, but God had his own plans. I think you spent about three months in hospital, and at times it was touch and go. But you survived and went for numerous skin crafts to repair your breast tissue. The concern was that you won’t ever be able to breast feed one day, but you’ve won those odds as well!

Then we lost our mammie, the one person we felt safe with. It was devastating for me and I broke away from you wanting to be myself to wrestle with my own demons. This was a mistake but I couldn’t see how much it hurt you.

I lost my youth much earlier in life and nurtured you as my own. I fought your battles, physically that is, try to protect you from what a child your age wasn’t supposed to have been exposed to. I’ve tried my best to protect you from witnessing the physical abuse from one to the other and at times I felt I lost the battle!
And the loss of that relationship contributed to your downward spiral. Your world fell apart then, your support basis crumbled, what you thought was, was not.
And yet this was not an isolated case Sam, it was two people pulling in different directions, two people that fell out of love, two people that never stopped loving you. But who was there to reassure you? No one…And I wish I had the insight I have now, to be able to have sit you down and reassure you that no matter what, that things are going to be OK.

Sam, I had to leave to start my own Journey and couldn’t stay around.

Your babies :)
Your babies From left: Tamia, Wesley, Darren and Tyler

 

You were never demanding, never very vocal and were very respectful. This is what everyone remembers and still talk about long after your sudden death.

You had your first son very young age and we were all disappointed, but because we loved you, we supported you 100%
The relationship with Wesley’s father didn’t work out and this was your first love that you’ve lost. I don’t have much recollection of this time of your life as I was desperately trying to mould my own.

Then you introduced us to Sharief. What a handsome guy he was and a beautiful nature to match. He wasn’t a talker and always just smiled when we started reading him the “how to treat Samantha for life, cos if you don’t, we will find you and hurt you” The poor guy was constantly reminded of this but we soon saw that he had nothing but love and respect for you Sam. He adored you and you adored him. You apparently were planning to get married but along came the handsome, beautiful Darren :-). He was your little Cherub and we instantly fell in love with him.
He misses you the most Sam. My heart breaks every time I look at him. He is struggling to overcome your loss, Sam. You left when he needed you the most, slap bang on the verge of his teenage years. Oh I know very well what he went through having to cope with the biggest loss of his life,  while scrambling and deciphering between hormones and what is real!
But for him everything was…
Of all your children, he is the one that we worry about the most. He has so much anger and I pray that he let us help him deal with his losses and not choose the path you did…
But he is lost without you Sam, he lost you and his father a few years before you. Darling Sharief’s life was tragically and prematurely taken and this was, what I believe, the biggest loss that defined your path ahead. You’ve lost the love of your life and very suddenly without any goodbyes. This ultimately shaped what was to follow….

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We’ve lost you long before the drugs and the life on the streets consumed your whole being. We’ve lost our pretty pop to an illness only you could help yourself with. We prayed to God to bring our princess back. To bring her back to obvious, away from oblivion.

Oh you had a hidden, untapped talent for dress making. You had an ability to transform the ugliest pants into a stunning and stylish skirt. You would take a shirt, cut off the sleeves, rip the sides slightly and viola! You created the sexiest, low cropped top! Oh my word, you were good and I wish I’d done more to assist you in making this dream into a reality for you. Please forgive me..

Your Mom cries every time she listen’s to Tamia’s “Make Tonight Beautiful” , “Missing You”, “Give me You”, “Stranger in my house”….

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From here on-wards your life very quickly went downhill, and it’s the saddest part for me. I cannot talk about you without falling apart..I wish I’d done more!

You went from a beauty to a hardcore drug addict. Our Sam no longer noticeable to us. Your beautiful fudge skin color, replaced by dark blemishes, your beautiful white teeth no longer, you went from having a body of a super model to that of a skeleton..All we could do from here onwards was to pick up the pieces you left behind on your quest of self destruction. At most times we felt hopeless but prayed that you would be stronger than the drug that consumed your life, that ultimately took you away from us.

And then Cheslin was born and lived only for five days…he was the first offspring of your drug induced life. I held him in my arms whilst he took his last breath and because you’ve asked me to… but I insisted at the time that he spent the last and only few seconds of his life,  in your arms. We wanted and hoped this was the ultimate wake up call for you. To loose a child before you even had a chance to carve a life with him, to realize that you as a parent was responsible, that you were selfish and didn’t think of the little being, nestled under your rib cage for nine months and then finally had to lay him to rest in a beautiful white coffin with a yellow flower arrangement…Sam, I thought this was a turning point in your life, and that you wanted to change for the better!
But you only resisted the cravings for a short while,you couldn’t fight against the destruction and we lost you again..Gone in the wind..

I remember your mom phoning me one day, sounding very happy and enthusiastic because you were home and wanted help! I said thank God, he finally opened your eyes! Your place at rehab was organized and all you needed was a certain tablet, which I got at the chemist, bedding, pajamas, slippers a couple of changes of clothes and you were ready to go. I remember everyone contributed, some came from afar ( Thank you all ) to give assistance and there was a hyped of happiness and congratulations and motivation was passed along to you…

That didn’t last long, you ran away and the drug won again! And this happened a couple of more times..rehab in, rehab out..

We were devastated, I was devastated and besides myself! I was angry and disappointed and decided I wanted nothing to do with you again…How could you? You have two beautiful sons that is living their lives without you in it, that needed you?? How could you Sam…
But our anger and resentment pushed you further away and you continued your drug induced life without us. Once again you were Gone in the wind…

You could have been his daughter, almost half his age and we felt it was the last straw! You wanted a life with him but it was a mirrored image of your own! We felt he was nothing but more trouble and that he would not be of any help for you. Deep in the drug filled life himself, he strung you along on this path. We tried talking to you but you didn’t understand no reason. Had we only realized or understood that you needed him to replace a figure you craved. Had we known that you found your last love, that he was your soul mate, that you loved him and that he loved you more, as he couldn’t go living without you and followed you 7 months after your death. He wasn’t prepared to deal with life without you in it,  and gave up hope because this was easier than living without you….

Age is just that

Tamia was born a few days after my 40th birthday. A born drug addict but today a lively, almost six year old. Just last night she reminded me ” aunty Kamilah, its my birfday on Wednesday”…how precious???
A little girl who is going to grow up without her mom, who will one day want to know about you. And I will readily tell her your tale..
Tyler…oh my god! He is our nutty professor! He is too clever and one could almost swear that he didn’t start his veins full of drugs. He constantly tells me ” I love you, I love you, I love you aunty Kamilah “… He makes my heart skip a few beats and make me instantly fall in love with him over and over and over again!
(See their story previously published.

Mia and Ty. From oblivion to obvious

The saying is that God works in mysterious ways, we’ve physically lost you whilst you were in your prime, but we lost you way before then…Your untimely death on Friday the 15th of May 2015,will be a day forever carved in my memory. I lost one of my surrogate babies and I lost a piece of myself. Your death inadvertently changed my life and made me realized that I wanted more from life! I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be loved and by the mercy of God I’m hoping that the changes will bring the happiness I deserve…that so many deserves…that you deserved..

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Samantha Hartogh: Born 17.10.1976 Died 15.05.2015

We’ve layed you to rest on an overcast day and it was beautiful! I chose yellow flowers, my favorite color for flowers. We made sure you got the dignified goodbye you deserved ( Thank you all). All your children in a row bidding you farewell, it was one of the saddest days of my life. And whilst your coffin was lowered down to the grounds, light showers started to fall..oh Sam, it was perfect! It was beautiful, just the way you were.. I’ve bid my farewell with a few words and as hard as it was, I had to admit that you were finally at peace, no more demons, no more losses, just peace..

 

I love you Sam…alwaysdownload-1.jpg.jpeg
Kamilah

 

We want the same..

So many things has happened in the last three months. There were  big revelations, falling out of love, the gains, the losses and the near losses, the strengthening of old friendships and the start of new friendships. The ultimate wake up call, long overdue and the result of years of festering…

And for those that might be going through something similar…If you have good, if you have great, don’t let it fester. Talk about it, give the benefit of the doubt, and move on. The longer you take to do this, the longer it takes to go back to the way it used to be….

I’m propped up, it’s 2am in the morning and I want to put pen to paper.. I find this is the best time to write, it’s quiet and the only other presence with me is God.

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I think I am quite the remarkable woman, I’ve made huge changes to myself and for myself. It was a quest I set out for myself growing up. I wanted more of life. I wanted to be the improved version of growing up. I dreamt on a daily basis of the castle, the hero, the babies and the love of my life. What I have realized now is that it doesn’t always work out the way you planned and this was hard for me to accept because I am a stickler for planning, I like forward thinking, and always has to have a plan B. I take motivation from other people. I observe, I agree, disagree and I learn. During the past few months I’ve come to the realization that I wanted more from life, for me personally. There wasn’t a need for me to grow as a professional as I found my niche and nest. Gosh, looking back to the past three years ago, I never ever thought I’d say this. I felt like I was constantly searching for “the perfect job”.. of course there is no such thing.

I have a beautiful family. My kids has come through for me in this difficult time and at first I thought..”who are they? Where’s my babies? Are these really the same people”?
Yes, children are far more resilient and wise than what we prepared to give them credit for. An important factor that we forget, is that they are the  production of us! We have nurtured, guided, motivated, inspired and instilled good values. It’s something I certainly forgot walking through the fog of maze. I never thought they would be the ones helping me through this. I am the provider, the guider, the shoulder..not the other way around.

Some times we have to accept that we are all actually so similar, and not the normal contrary analogy of  ‘people are all different..no I disagree..’ This statement will become clear by the end of my story.

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I thought my marriage was over and I wanted that and that and that, the list became longer as the days progressed. What I haven’t realized is that we allowed ourselves to grow apart. We get up, we put in the lunches ( ok I don’t do that..never did..) we scramble around, getting dressed in the finest,  we grab a fruit, we stuck in traffic, getting all flustered (I don’t do that too…stuck in traffic?…overrated! pffft) we go through the hectic schedules at work, we come home, no more pecking on the lips, no more quality time, no more chatting, no more touching ( this is important for me…I like being touched in private and in public…it’s a sign of affection and a promise of more to come..wink wink..) and suddenly we are miles apart, each one pulling in different directions. The original plans are no longer, the arguments becomes that of a personal nature, the actual objective long forgotten, fingers are pointed, assumptions are being made, trusts are broken, we start to resent, we become complacent, we rest on our laurels, we loose the faith, we don’t make passionate Love, we have cold, obligated sex, and we look for the blame in others… but yourself. Of course, why not? How can I be the one being wrong if all I wanted, was perfect and better?

 

Of course I’ve listened, I’ve pecked, I’ve touched, I’ve been vocal, I’ve given quality time….BUT did I? Our lives are not only one sided, we are not married to the perfect guy, him not being a social butterfly or interested in social media does not make him the wrong fit. It’s about understanding that, it’s about accepting that, it’s about a wee bit of compromise. Oh I believed I did so much of the latter that I detest using this word in a sentence. But so did someone else, compromised on some of my short comings..right..(rhetorical)

It came as a surprised to many! (the near and dear ones) We were the perfect couple, the handsome duo with the beautiful balanced kids, he’s the introvert, she’s the butterfly, together since high school, both hardworking and strived for that rainbow. The very same people tried to talk me out of it but I wanted nothing of it. My mind was made up, I’m leaving and was prepared to live as a single parent. No man was necessary, who needs a man, definitely not a strong woman like me. I have the brains, I have the financial stability, I have my career, I don’t need a partner for sex – I can play with myself..right..reaching an orgasm is just that…pfft nothing in it..!

No, that’s all wrong…

fun

I don’t want to be alone, ever! I cannot imagine being alone on that stoep. I’m too passionate, I love good company, I want to cuddle, I loovve intimacy..yes sex! (Why be ashamed of saying it out loud??) I like conversing, I want to hear breathing next to me, I want that constant presence next to me, I want to be touched, I want to agree to disagree, I want to communicate, I want respect and continues support, I want to share my hectic day, I want to listen and contribute, I want to be put on that pedestal and preserved forever, I want shared responsibilities, I want to be accepted for who I am,
I like a party,
I like to have fun,
I like to laugh,
I can talk to a stranger in a queue and instantly have a friend,
I love, love, absolutely love music!
I like to dance and bop to a beat
I like to spend time with family
I like talking shit and have a good laugh
I like reading
I’m passionate and sensitive
I’ve fallen in love with writing
And I like my own company..
And don’t want to compromise on this for anyone, ever! Love and accept me…

I want all of this…and will reciprocate without a doubt! Give me this and you have me forever..

So, I ask you… is this not what we all want…?

We allow ourselves to grow apart, allowing ourselves to stagnate, allowing ourselves not to “keep” up with our partners. We see it’s heading for disaster but we not doing anything to mend it because we’re either far ahead or far behind. We see the shortcomings, we don’t talk about it, but rather start comparing them to others, talk to others, complaining constantly to others..And how does this fix the problems?

We fix it by talking about it immediately, not three weeks later, by not going to bed angry, by doing it in a dignified and respectful way. Listen to understand first, then to answer…very important. Don’t think to answer if you don’t understand what to answer!

And don’t worry about what others think or say, because they not living your life for you. You don’t have to be visible to others when praying. You certainly don’t have to justify the way you live to anyone. You respect your elders, always! And remember that there is only one God. Do not make another god of anything or anyone else. We can love them, it, her,him but they are not the sustainer..they are temporary.

So let’s change the attitude and mind set, lets be innovative of how to get rid of the negatives and focus positively on how to get things back on track. It could be a slow process and accept this. We invest half a lifetime in a relationship and a lot of hard work has gone into so many elements and facets and we can only look forward to so many positive and exciting things..

Don’t take anything for granted and the one shouldn’t rely on the other for a kick-start. If you see it’s losing flame, give it some air…

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
And say ” I love you”….more often.

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