I have so much to tell but don’t know how to put things in perspective. I think I generally fail in that area. Maybe because I think too much and then I end up stuck in between the jungle of thoughts and cannot clearly decipher or work myself out of it.
When I get to this junction, I normally write. I just write and write and not necessarily in any order. I have no qualms about full stops, commas or over using dot dot dot. I don’t write for an accolade. I write because I write better than what I talk. And I think most people do. Writing gives you that extra second to think, it gives you the opportunity to say something in a better way, in an eloquent way, it gives you the added bonus of adding emotions to a story.
Long long ago there was a frog and a princess..naaah its not one of those stories. This is so cool, it’s so cool to do what you want and to say what you want, but I promised my son that I’m not writing soppy stories anymore and it’s not going to be soppy!
So it’s just going to bits and bops of The Last Year🙋
Ethan The Warrior
The day I learnt of your coming, was a sad day, but unknowingly then, you were going to give me the strength to face all my fears. And oh dear, let’s just add that I was really not ready to be a granny😱 I used to take pride in not being granny at my age, but God had his own plans.
He’s more like MY warrior💗💗 He was my sunshine in the rain. For once in my life, I could lean on someone else and not once did that little, tiny person turn his back on me. I used to get high on just sniffing him and snuggling up to his warm, soft cheeks and get lost in his toothless smile. I love you Ethan, you are Nana’s “hart se punt”. Sadly you stripped your daddy from his title😘
This song of Teddy Pendergrass explains how I feel about you
And when you walked into my life
Suddenly I knew
All the love I had inside
Was leading me to you
Our new Adventure
It’s so difficult to say how children will take to a divorce. People say, when they small, they don’t remember much they easily forget and that it’s more difficult when they’re bigger, older. I always say that I cannot agree to something if I haven’t gone through and experienced it myself. I let logic decide and if it adds up, I accept it. Well I wish my experience was as easy as using logic. I lost it a couple of times, I was a walking emotional time bomb. I was afraid I was going to lose my kids to their father. I looked out for signs of betrayal, I believe I sometimes fabricated reasons to attack them. I cried in silence and the more I tried to stay sane, the more I felt broken. I didn’t know how to tell them that I’m scared of losing them and that I won’t survive if I should. I always only know how to be strong and I hated that I still wanted to be strong. I wanted to break down, I wanted to shout, hit someone, kick something, anything!
Yes, like every time bomb this one blew up but the result wasn’t devastating but rather bittersweet. It was moments of honesty, there was lotsa tears, revelations but most of all there was not a chance that I’ll ever lose my babies. They have my back and I’ll always have theirs. The moral of the story is that they love their father as much as they love me and this was never their battle. In fact I believe they suffer more than what we do.
The following gave me Hope, inspiration and Trust:
An extract from Will Power:💗
This is a matter of guidance from the creator and time healing and letting the scars close and be a reminder of how to conduct ourselves as future partners in a marriage and as parents. We were involved too much, we’ve seen too much and it’s still there. Visible and within remembrance. The worst is not Over, it’s still there. Everyone is at a point in their lives where they feel unloved, unrecognised, disregarded and unwanted. So we lashout, we forget, we display the same negative traits that we feel is being inflicted on us. I have always been proud of my mother. I have never disregarded your success and your achievements. I am the man I am because of you
(I still cry every time I read this. The worst is over my son, we’re on our road to recovery💚 I love you!)
An extract from Love:💞
I miss that when you would come home from work and make us food. And we would all eat as a family .
And thats really what meant alot to me .But when we left i forgot how many things count in my life .
You know you can leave that life behind but to think about the little things that matter ,thats hard .
So i became angry
Giving sarcastic statements
To not only you
But everyone around me
Being angry every day .
And i realised that’s not me !
I am that girl who still sleeps in her mothers arms .That girl who still needs to teach her dad how to take a selfie .
Thats me !
And i want to be me again .
So im starting with my mommy .
Im sorry mommy
Shukran mommy for everything you have done I will never forget that , and one day I will tell my kids my mommy was successfull and strong independent and Thats what I want to be really 💔 Shukran 💔❤
(Thank you poplap, and I’m sorry too.. you’re wise beyond your years)
And the man that always Persevere:😍
I Love you mumz, forever💗
(And one of few words….I love you too!)
And finally I can put that heartache behind me, behind all of us. Wake up and see the sun shining through my bedroom window. Thank God for what I have and for bestowing His infinite mercy on us. And I’m grateful for my good circle of friends who was there when I needed them🙋
I am no longer wearing my wellington boots, plowing through mud, I no longer have to question loyalty, I can trust in Love again.💜💜
And it’s the right time to organize a dream holiday overseas…maybe Europe, maybe Asia. It doesn’t matter, what matters is it’s another tick off the Bucket List! BOOM!!😍🙋