The last year

I have so much to tell but don’t know how to put things in perspective. I think I generally fail in that area. Maybe because I think too much and then I end up stuck in between the jungle of thoughts and cannot clearly decipher or work myself out of it.

When I get to this junction, I normally write. I just write and write and not necessarily in any order. I have no qualms about full stops, commas or over using dot dot dot. I don’t write for an accolade. I write because I write better than what I talk. And I think most people do. Writing gives you that extra second to think, it gives you the opportunity to say something in a better way, in an eloquent way,  it gives you the added bonus of adding emotions to a story.

Long long ago there was a frog and a princess..naaah its not one of those stories. This is so cool, it’s so cool to do  what you want and to say what you want, but I promised my son that I’m not writing soppy stories anymore and it’s not going to be soppy!

So it’s just going to bits and bops of The Last Year๐Ÿ™‹

Ethan The Warrior

The day I learnt of your coming, was a sad day, but unknowingly then,  you were going to give me the strength to face all my fears. And oh dear, let’s just add that I was really not ready to be a granny๐Ÿ˜ฑ I used to take pride in not being granny at my age, but God had his own plans.

He’s more like MY warrior๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’— He was my sunshine in the rain. For once in my life, I could lean on someone else and not once did that little, tiny person turn his back on me. I used to get high on just sniffing him and snuggling up to his warm, soft cheeks and get lost in his toothless smile. I love you Ethan, you are Nana’s “hart se punt”. Sadly you stripped your daddy from his title๐Ÿ˜˜

This song of Teddy Pendergrass explains how I feel about you

And when you walked into my life
Suddenly I knew
All the love I had inside
Was leading me to you

Our new Adventure

It’s so difficult to say how children will take to a divorce. People say, when they small, they don’t remember much they easily forget and that it’s more difficult when they’re bigger, older. I always say that I cannot agree to something if I haven’t gone through and experienced it myself. I let logic decide and if it adds up, I accept it. Well I wish my experience was as easy as using logic. I lost it a couple of times, I was a walking emotional time bomb. I was afraid I was going to lose my kids to their father. I looked out for signs of betrayal, I believe I sometimes fabricated reasons to attack them. I cried in silence and the more I tried to stay sane, the more I felt broken. I didn’t know how to tell them that I’m scared of losing them and that I won’t survive if I should. I always only know how to be strong and I hated that I still wanted to be strong. I wanted to break down, I wanted to shout, hit someone, kick something, anything!

Yes, like every time bomb this one blew up but the result wasn’t devastating but rather bittersweet. It was moments of honesty, there was lotsa tears, revelations but most of all there was not a chance that I’ll ever lose my babies. They have my back and I’ll always have theirs. The moral of the story is that they love their father as much as they love me and this was never their battle. In fact I believe they suffer more than what we do.

The following gave me Hope, inspiration and Trust:

An extract from Will Power:๐Ÿ’—

This is a matter of guidance from the creator and time healing and letting the scars close and be a reminder of how to conduct ourselves as future partners in a marriage and as parents. We were involved too much, we’ve seen too much and it’s still there. Visible and within remembrance. The worst is not Over, it’s still there. Everyone is at a point in their lives where they feel unloved, unrecognised, disregarded and unwanted. So we lashout, we forget, we display the same negative traits that we feel is being inflicted on us. I have always been proud of my mother. I have never disregarded your success and your achievements. I am the man I am because of you

(I still cry every time I read this. The worst is over my son, we’re on our road to recovery๐Ÿ’š I love you!)


An extract from Love:๐Ÿ’ž

I miss that when you would come home  from work and make us food. And we would all eat as a family .

And thats really what meant alot to me .But when we left i forgot how many things count in my life .

You know you can leave that life behind but to think about the little things that matter ,thats hard .

So i became angry 

Giving sarcastic  statements 

To not only you 

But everyone around me 

Being angry every day .

And i realised that’s not me ! 

I am that girl who still sleeps in her mothers arms .That girl who still needs to teach her dad how to take a selfie .

Thats me ! 

And i want to be me again .

So im starting with my mommy .

Im sorry mommy 

Shukran mommy for everything you have done I will never forget that , and one day I will tell my kids my mommy was successfull and strong independent and Thats what I want to be really ๐Ÿ’” Shukran ๐Ÿ’”โค

(Thank you poplap, and I’m sorry too.. you’re wise beyond your years)


And the man that always Persevere:๐Ÿ˜

I Love you mumz, forever๐Ÿ’—

(And one of few words….I love you too!)

 

And finally I can put that heartache behind me, behind all of us. Wake up and see the sun shining through my bedroom window. Thank God for what I have and for bestowing His infinite mercy on us. And I’m grateful for my good circle of friends who was there when I needed them๐Ÿ™‹

I am no longer wearing my wellington boots, plowing through mud, I no longer have to question loyalty, I can trust in Love again.๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ 

And it’s the right time to organize a dream holiday overseas…maybe Europe, maybe Asia. It doesn’t matter, what matters is it’s another tick off the Bucket List! BOOM!!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™‹

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Facebook

Another quick muse…

I actually find it very fascinating, this whole Facebook thing and how it gets used by some people to get a message out there..

Pffft, I do it too. I use it to tell my so called friends that ” I’m getting back at you for not visiting me or not staying in touch” ja, you know who you are (yes, put ma that ” I can’t look” face on..that brown spider monkey man)

Then there’s the ones that regular “check in” yirre, where did you get such a kwaai credit limit?? Please inbox me so that I can apply๐Ÿ˜

Anyway, that is the funny part. Let me share with you the things that really annoy me of some people..

If I don’t like your post, then you’re not going to like mine, never mind giving me any purple blommetjies that sprinkle all over the post. The minute I start liking yours, booom! I’m getting a like from you. How’s that? Now bear in mind that no one is going to dictate to me what post I should like or not, or if it’s even interesting enough to comment on or do I really think you’re post is awesome or your pictures are nice…. especially those selfies ๐Ÿ˜ฆ hmmm

And thank goodness there’s still real people out there. They don’t just like any of my check in’s or any of my quotes that I (by the way ) ย thought was fascinating. No man, why should they. I’ve post because I believed in the quote. I post pictures because I like and treasure them. Ja well, it’s for the benefit of my friends abroad ( hmmm I have some) but that’s about it.

I once read an article about people and Facebook and unfortunately I cannot remember word for word but the jist was..People use Facebook to create a fantasy life. What you put on Facebook is what you want people to perceive.

And sadly, we’re all or most of us fall in this trap.

So in closing.. I don’t like your post because I don’t think it’s sweet, I don’t find it interesting, I’ve seen the same pictures over and over, I don’t think your quote is bad, but right now I can’t relate to it, sorry. Your check ins are annoying cos I’m at the “salticrax” week of the month. And I really don’t mind if you’re don’t like or comment on any of my post because you could be feeling the same way I do. So high five, no hard feelings, I still like you and you’ll always stay my Facebook friend๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿ™‹

Well, let me tell you I’m getting ready to bore you with my countless Whitney Houston re-shares๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ˜. My endless pictures of my Pop Lap and of the men in my life๐Ÿ˜ including my grandson ( oh, I’ve never been sooo in love๐Ÿ˜Š yes yes I know you’ve seen a million pictures) my check in’s at hmmm the Waterfront, Canal Walk and Zevenwacht. Oh and of course letting you know that I’ve ran 5km (umpfff it was hard!) and that I’ve enjoyed a session of Yoga๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ช

Ok, lighthen up..it’s just another muse. You don’t have to like it๐Ÿ˜

Onvoorwaardelike Liefde

Sy sit voor oor, gebuig en rug krom

Haar gesig met permanente lyne

Maar steeds n gesig vol liefde

Haar lippe glad en sag soos myne

Sy kyk op en glimlag, en dit maak my dag

Vol liefde is haar druk, en ek smag vir dit nog elke dag

Ek mis jou 

*
Ek verlang na jou wysheid

Ek moes ma geluister het
Jou arms was my le plek

Dus waar ek veilig gevoel het

Jy vryf my kop, en ek is weg

Jy soen my op my voorkop en sus my aan die slaap

Ek vra n duisend vrae, ek wil verstaan

Dan sy jy, “Laat dit maar gaan”

“Ek is lief vir jou, en dit is al wat saak maak”

Jou woorde het my gestil

Jou liefde was goed vir my siel

Hoe wens ek jy was nog hier

Ek wil jou net trots gemaak het

Ek mis jou 

*
Dit was altyd net ek en jy, hand aan hand

Ek mis jou eindlose vingers

Altyd sag, warm en geknoop aan myne

Nie weer was daar n liefde soos joune

Jy was beeldskoon, binne en buite

Jou vel was sag, jou hare dun soos die wind

Hoe wens ek jy kon sien

Maak ek jou trots?

Ek mis jou 

*
Die pad was swaar sonder jou

Ek probeer om te onthou

Die herrineringe is nog vars, dus soos gister

Ek verbeel my ek ruik jou 

Ek mis jou

Ek wil regop loop soos jou

Trots en met n glimlag

Ek is hier deur jou

Ek is die moeder wat ek is vandag, deur jou
Hoe wens ek jy kon hulle sien

Jy sal trots gewees het

En dus omdat jy my moeder was

Jy was my voetspore, jy was my alles

My hart is seer

Hoor jy as ek praat? 

Sien jy as ek treur?

Ek mis jou

*
A short poem in memory of Getrude, Susan Kleinsmith. Happy Birthday there in Heaven๐Ÿ’—

You’re Twenty One NT :-)ย 

I promise this is going to be short. And I promise I’m not going to post funny baby pictures ๐Ÿ™‚ …..NOT!

 

You’re finally an adult, whoop whoop! I can no longer call you my baby, sad isn’t it. Cos this only means I’m getting old ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Well that is the circle of life my son and one day, you’ll write a very similar memoir for your son ๐Ÿ™‚

mde
The key to Life ๐Ÿ™‚ 

 

Happy 21st birthday Na-eem ๐Ÿ™‚  I Love you long time. I don’t say it enough..one can’t say it enough, but should say it all the time!   You are the son I always wanted. I pray that the Almighty grant you good health, Halaal rizq, Taqwa, always surround you with the cloak of Imaan, a long and prosperous Umr Inshallah… And Don’t stop dancing baby ๐Ÿ™‚

One day, long,long ago on a surprisingly sunny winter’s day I was bouncing off the walls cos the Springboks won the world cup! Oh my word, was that a day forever ingrained in many memories, and a day to go down in history!! WE as a nation finally won our spot back onto the sporting arena, it was a day I will never forget and I’m sure many felt the same way. There proudly stood the one man that sincerely fought for freedom from the oppressors, the one man that showed continuous humility and dignity and with unwavering commitment to what is right. A man we all could learn from for he has surely played an integral part in making that unforgettable day possible. He sacrificed a lifetime so that we could enjoy the fruits of his sacrifice!
Green and gold was the colours of the day!!!

 

I was told you were coming a week earlier, pffft I never believed it though. Being a stickler for numbers and always wanting to be prepared, I did the math and you were to be born on the 27th of June 1995. Not a day sooner or a day later. I felt the first twinge whilst coming down from the euphoric feeling and marveling in the aftermath of victory.. of course I was prepared and knew I am going to meet you very soon ๐Ÿ™‚

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The sky is the limit ..

I knew you were going to be a boy, but didn’t share this knowledge with anyone. You proudly ” winked” at me during one of the scans and I smiled from ear to ear. It was meant to be and I thank God every single day for the blessing he bestowed upon me. Well, it was one of my hardest physical battles, omw! You refused to make an entrance. I prayed, I begged and even bargained with the doctor! But you had your own time, you knew when it was, you’ve planned it all along and you finally appeared and in a very dignified manner ๐Ÿ™‚ These are the qualities that you possess. You know what you want, you know when to do it, you’re one of the most disciplined people I know and you’re say it like it is, all with grace and panache. That’s my boy, right there ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

 

You wrote on everything you could find, cupboard doors, behind the doors, on the walls..always frantically waving a wand of some kind! And from a very young age you knew you wanted to be a teacher. You wanted to make that difference, and you did and still strive to do it.

As a baby you were obsessed with a vacuum and would run for it every time you heard the buzzing. It was the funniest thing ever! We would put you in the furthest room in the house, surrounded by toys , closing all the doors just so that we could vacuum hoping you wouldn’t hear anything and therefore stopping us from vacuuming! Well it didn’t work of course. You would come speeding towards it, and only to lay on the vacuum and to feel the buzzing. I would finally give up, and let you have your moment :-). One of your aunts even gave you an old vacuum for your birthday, but you quickly figured out that it’s not giving you the buzz you need.

One of your favorite movies was Mr Bean. Well…I had to play it over and over again and you would laugh at the same scenes, every time! As much as I was annoyed, I would laugh with you. You have that laugh, where you just shakes and can’t even talk! I love laughing with you ๐Ÿ™‚

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Funny guy…

And your all time favorite was dancing to a Shah Rukh Khan movie ๐Ÿ™‚  “Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham” and so many more others. I specifically remember this one cos we had to watch it to death but also because it had a hip beat!

You hated going to creche and because you had your granny wrapped around your finger, she finally let you stay with her. She said you didn’t need to go to creche, and that you have a head full of brains. She was right of course (may Allah grant her Jannah Ameen).

You would brag to me how your aunt prepares your lunch and that I don’t do it the same pfffft. They spoiled you and granny believed you could do nothing wrong.

You always had a string of friends, and I always knew you would make the right choices in friends. I never had to worry whether they’re bad for you. You don’t take any prisoners and you don’t tolerate drama. You carry yourself with dignity and  stay faithful in your Deen.

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Proud moment!

And then you became Head Boy. If I think that was a proud moment, then the day you’ve made your last speech, I was even more proud. I clapped hands, my vision swimming, smiling from ear to ear and bursting with pride. It’s one of those days I will never forget.

I enjoy serenading with you to a Whitney song, AKA, Manhattans, Justin Bieber, Drake James Ingram and many more…dance to Kwaito and House music..

And more importantly, I love listening to you when you recite the Quran. Your voice is laced with emotions, you take us through that beautiful journey and one cannot help but listen and revel in the splendor of God’s word. It’s like music to  one’s ears.:-)

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Love your face ๐Ÿ™‚

 I listen to you and how you perceive your peers and  you make me so proud. You look at things objectively and with integrity. You don’t compromise on your beliefs, values and ethics. You going to do so well, you’re going to conquer the world and I wish you infinite success in all your challenges my son ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve raised you for the world and not for myself. This is something not many understand. I gave you the tools, so go forthwith and be a success. Earn and give the respect. Give and receive. Listen and learn. Honor your parents. Pray and forgive. Look out for your siblings, always! Laugh, dance, be happy and never settle for anything less!

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Happy happy Birthday Na-eem Thebus. You the reason I get up everyday, you the reason I didn’t give up, when you needed me the most. I hope that I’ve done enough. I hope I’ve danced with you enough.

Remember what I told you…Love hard and never be afraid to show it!

Never forget Granny and Aunty Mielah who cared and nurtured you when I couldn’t. May Allah grant them Janaah, Ameen. Both, loved and disciplined you in their own way

I love you Na-eem Thebus ๐Ÿ™‚

 

The Sound of Music

Yeah ! ย Myย very first memory of music is that of Julie Andrews running across the splendor of green fields, ย singing ย “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music “ – the minions frantically trying to keep up with her

Can you imagine life without music?

Music should be a part of everyone’s life and I think most of you will agree.
Without music life would have been a lopsided affair, earth totally off it’s axis, obscured and bending sideways..

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No melodies to sway to
no passion to relate to..

Music has the ability to tap into the dormant territory of the mind. The right song takes you to that wispy feeling, that happy place. You involuntary sway your hips, tap your foot, bop your head and let the string of words only talk to you.

How many of you has sworn that a particular song was written for you? I’m sure many! For me definitely ๐Ÿ™‚ A friend of mine recently pointed out that I appreciate the lyrics in a song ๐Ÿ™‚

I remember listening to Chariots of Fire as a teenager and how I use to be fascinated by the steady increase of tempo and finally reaching climax….that point where you sit all alone, hands up to the sky, and face basking in the sun, smiling and savoring the last few piano chords..victoriously saying….” I’ve Won!!”

Who wants to live without music…

Then of course there are songs you love to hate but you involuntary find yourself singing to the chorus “Cake by the Ocean” by Joe Jonas. Really Joe? An apparent metaphor for sex on the beach..pffft crap.
Then there’s Riri’s “Russian Roulette”...ugh I’d love to hate it but I find myself “Take the gun and count to three” ๐Ÿ™‚
Oh and don’t forget about Bruno’s – ” Catching a grenade for me” eeeek – no, he must be joking.

I also have a few favorites and they definitely not artists that I’ll have posters of behind my door but listening to the lyrics makes me happy, makes me smile, give me that euphoric lift especially sitting in traffic in the morning.

Jason Mraz – ” Butterfly” is right at the top. The lyrics are so sexy and laced with seductive promises – ” I’m your pole and all you wearing is your shoes” Ooppff fan me now!
Jeremy Oliver – Serendipity, “Baby there’s no need for pretense, together we make perfect sense”. Absolutely beautiful and catchy lyrics, love it.
Jason Derulo – Let’s get ugly – “Chingaling ling lingย  ling, just do yah thang” ooh my hips don’t lie…They come alive BOOM!

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But nothing beats the Soulful tunes of the 70’s and 80’s, hell no..They did just that..spoke to the soul. Jennifer Rush – ” Power of Love” – of course I’ve believed I found the love of my life, printing out the lyrics and memorizing it to heart ๐Ÿ™‚
Teddy P – You’re my Choice tonight
Billy Ocean – Lover Boy
Mariah C – Emotions
Manhattans – Hurt
Earth wind & Fire – Reasons

aah…The list is endless ๐Ÿ™‚

And of course…yeah..wait for it..The greatest one of all times…! Whitney Houston – ” You give good Love “. I used to frantically search for Mr Right on the dance floor.. It was a waste otherwise….You had to believe he was the one ๐Ÿ™‚

Music creates soul searching, it makes you realize that you’re not the only one hurting “Why does it hurt so bad”.

It stimulates the good feel endorphin’s, it lifts your spirits, makes you ready for the day. Itย  reverberate through the soul, making it all ok ๐Ÿ™‚

Music unites mankind – it doesn’t discriminate ย between race, gender and sex

Music is magical, we shouldn’t live without it.

Kami ๐Ÿ™‚

Be that Change…MGhandi

I’ve come across such an inspiring writer Mike Kapulvatsky. So do yourself a favor and read up on his blogs. It’s worth every minute.
I’ve always believed that things happens for a reason and a season.

I detest small minds, even though I have been small once a upon a time. I believe most of us have been. High five to those that had the insight and maturity to never fall in this trap.

The minute I walk away from a conversation with anyone and I’m not afforded the opportunity to be enriched, to be able to laugh,ย  to be inspired or to think about anything is the time I say…huh uh this is complete bullshit. False and vain and piss willy talks I have no time for…
I have always wondered, how do you start talking bad about someone… “start,” being the operative word. Does it go something like this..

How does she afford the car she drives (really?)
Oh did you see.. ( see what exactly)
She isn’t as great as she thinks she is (oh, why do you say that hmmm)
She’s such a demanding bitch and thinks she knows everything..( The chances are she does)
He was drunk again (why…. he might have a problem)
He was sleeping on the job again (he might not have a bed to sleep on)
He smells (he’s not afforded the soap you have)
He must be on drugs (so what you going to do about it)

Remember the following words : If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it

Instead of being fair and try to find something positive in that person, we go around gossiping about people and creating your own perception of people. Why don’t you get to know that person? I’ll tell you why, cos you going to let yourself feel intimidated by that person.

I always believe, when you spew shit from your mouth, make sure it’s facts shit and not shit shit. Because when you being cornered and summoned to the podium of truth, you can honestly say ” it’s the truth and I can prove it”

Never go around and beat people up without them even knowing that they getting a hiding. You are not walking in their shoes. You’re not the one who made sacrifices, and who still are. Look in the mirror and ask yourself “am I better than him/her”‘ Chances are that you’re not! You just a loser with a small brain, you’re insecure, no self-esteem, no motivation and of course no ambition.

Your ambition is to talk shit day in and day out. Go, go empower yourself and find friends who reflects you. Steer away from stereotypes, boring, angry, weak individuals. Start dreaming, learn from those that you find the time to talk shit about. No matter how insignificant you think it is, the minute your thought about it, meant that you found it valuable.
Process a negative into a positive
Don’t worry about me, look at yourself cos you are all that matters

A quote from Mike: Thereโ€™s no such thing as a bad day or a bad situation. Itโ€™s your thoughts about the situation that influences how you view your day.

The same goes for your shitty attitude and thoughts. Grow up and be big, make that change. My business is not yours. Go and seek the education you so desperately need. Armour yourself against the You’s of today. I want to live my life for myself and for no one else. Tomorrow I die and I want to die with no regrets..morbidly good isn’t it?

I read his blog and my heart bled for him, to think that somebody that went through one of the worse atrocity’s ever as a child, AND still live to tell the tale is remarkable! In every sentence he spews sense, wisdom and endless motivation to all that’s prepared to listen. I found myself hanging onto every word, in complete awe of his eloquence as a writer, I can just see how pen flows over paper, I can feel his passion for writing, I can hear his pain but most of all, he turned his adversity into positivity…bloody awesome!

So inspiring, he makes me feel like I can take on the world, I can deal with the god complex’s, I can deal with failure, I can deal with my past as it is who I am today. And don’t have to worry what you think, the most liberating of all!

What you see is not the same as what you don’t see…

Look at the man in the mirror and be that change..MJ