Collages of Love


I feel his soft fingers trailing up my leg, leaving a path of saluting hairs, leaving me confused and wanting. Wanting him to start again or moving on..hoping he goes where I want him to go, where a volcano is slowly hissing, coming to life.

” You have beautiful toes Sarah”

“No I don’t” I said blushing.

He comes in and captured my already swollen lips. I gasped for air as I know what this means. I know I’m going to be loved and I’m not even sure if I love him. All I know is that I fell in love with my sister’s fiance.

I wake up with a start, soaking wet and heaving for air. Oh my god, will the guilt ever go away. Will I ever stop thinking of that fateful day. Will the rest ever become just another part of life. Will I ever forget my mother’s word’s and more importantly, her word’s that followed.

I slowly became aware of my surroundings. For a minute I wished I was in my sunny loft apartment, unfinished paintings posed on aisles, coffee brewing and it’s aroma spilling into every crevice of the place I call home.

But sadly I was in my old room, the surroundings bringing back an onslaught of memories. Memories that brings back so much pain, so much guilt. If only I didn’t. I became aware of the laughter and chatter downstairs and I heard someone calling my name.

I hear Cindy running up the stairs calling my name. For a minute I close my eyes, run my hands through my hair and wish I could forgive myself, just one time, just once so that I can look my sister in the eyes and show her the love I have for her. I can’t even muster that!  It would have been so much better had she hated me, dear God!

Sarah! Guess what!! His parents are coming, oh my god, what do I do..I mean do you think they will like me? What if they don’t? Maybe they’ll think I’m not good enough for their son ”

Oh stop it Cinds, who cannot love you? And besides you’re beautiful, gorgeous, educated and you’re have a good career. Any parent will wish for a daughter like you. So stop worrying ok”

I get her on a sixth pace and grab her, sandwiching her face..”Stop worrying Cinds, it’ll be fine I promise you”

She grabs me by the shoulders, and nervously bit her bottom lip, something she often does when she’s nervous.”How can you be so sure?”

I take her face in my hands ” because there’s nothing about you that anyone will dislike, you are perfect Cindy, he loves you and you’re marrying him and not his family” So stop worrying ok, it’ll work out, you’ll see”

I don’t even know what I should wear, I don’t have anything nice!

Of course you do, in fact I know what you should wear! I excitingly say.

But for now we going downstairs and enjoy the snobs!

“Shhh you shouldn’t say that Sarah” she softly chastised.

 “Please promise me you’ll put on your best behavior” With this she smiles and looked me right in the eye and willed me to a promise.

“Ok, I’ll behave but I’m only staying around for a while. I have an article I have to finish to send off to Adrian”

Adrian is my best girlfriend trapped in a man’s body. I’m sure by now he’s frantically trying to get hold of me, burning his ulcer in the process but also knowing very well that he’ll get the article when I’m ready to send it.

“I’ll be down in a minute.

She gave me a pensive nod and walked out. I’m sure she was thinking of her meeting with the Arabs. I couldn’t imagine my conservative sis going for an Arab. She must love him very much and hopefully he feels the same. With that thought, I get a jolt running up my spine and settling in the pit of my stomach. I literally had to shake that feeling off. And I know it has to do with a pair of smouldering grey eyes. It reminds of a fire burning slowly, spewing flecks of ash around, and mesmerizing specks of gold flames flicking, desperately wanting to come alive. 

Oh shit, I can’t be thinking this way! But it’s hard to get that picture out of my head. It’s so perfect that I need to put it on a canvas. But that has to wait, that yearning to express my imagination, have to wait.

I hurriedly put on some eye make-up and that’s how far as it goes with regards to make-up. My hand goes through my hair and I’m oblivious of the result. I briefly look at myself in the mirror and saw, big blue eyes, turning green at times, an old Levi jeans perfectly cupping my rear,  white shirt, my oldest and dearest jack purcell’s with part of my hair refusing to go down. I shrug and go down to face the high and mighty society. I smile to myself just thinking of how they’ll look at me. 

Some would even whisper behind their well manicured hands “She was always the wild one” and still give me their best pasted on smile. Careful not to crack the make-up plastered on their face. And I’ll then do what I always do, nod and walk away.

It’s going to be a long night! But I’m only doing this for Cindy.

I hear the first gasp as I walk into the expansive dining area. And as if on queue I hear my mother’s heels clicking in my direction. I turn towards her and gave her my best smile.

“Hey mom, you’re looking gorgeous as ever” giving her a quick peck on her cheek.

” and that hair color really suits you” I softly say while leaning into her. As I know she would never want anyone to know that she is dying her hair.

My ploy always works, she stutters and nervously touch her hair.

“Do you think it looks OK?”

“Yes, it’s perfect” I say smiling

She mumbles something and walks off. Probably to find another Barbie to converse with.

“Dinner is ready” I hear our butler saying. I realize then how hungry I was. I find the nearest chair and didn’t wait for any nicety, and immediately started to pack my plate. I hear the familiar murmurs of disgust but paid no attention to any.

” Hi Sarah”

I got such a fright that I choked and started coughing and frantically trying to get air at the same time! People was starting to stare and my mother looked borderline flustered. It didn’t matter if I’m busy chocking, it’s all about her image.

” Are you ok, can I get you some water?”

Oh dear shit, just shut up and stop talking, I’m having a moment here and you’re not only the cause of my discomfort, but you’re making things worse!

I waved my hands in his direction and with tears streaming down my face, showed him thumbs up, that I’m ok. I drank some water and then he lightly cupped my shoulder blade. With that, I spewed out the water and this of course created more ghastly gasps! Shit man, can all this embarrassment just stop! Can he just stop!

When I finally got my breath back, and everyone has decided that I’m just faking my near death, touching their hair and delicately started to pick on their food. One is more afraid than the other, to eat. I decided eating is not for me, well not amongst fake and definitely not near this man who certainly has the ability to cause my death. 

I decided to get some fresh air and to have a much needed cigarette. A habit my mother obviously frowns upon. I walk a few meters into the lavish garden, a sculpture at every corner surrounded by manicured lawns, pruned roses and added in are the delightful smells that wafts through the summer air, a bird calling it’s mate in a promise rhythm. I close my eyes and revel in the fog of beauty that surrounds me, the only place I find true solace, the artist in me feeling giddy with the splendor surrounding me. I fill my lungs with smoke and slowly blowing out circles and watch it disappear into the darkness.

“That is bad for you” I hear someone saying

“Fuck!” I jumped up and my heart felt like popping out of my chest. 

Without thinking I reacted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? First you try to kill me when I was trying to fill my stomach! And now you sneak up on me, giving me a near heart attack” I was unaware of the foul words I’m using and I’m all hands flying, my heart still beating in my throat.

He’s next move was unexpected. My chest still heaving, he step up and reach for my hair, my head following trying to see what it is he’s doing. 

” You have something in your hair”  With that he takes out whatever it is in my hair and even that good intention felt like an irritating jolt. 

” It’s a honeysuckle” he mumbles

“Yeah” I responded, feeling like a complete twit.

” Shouldn’t you be inside with your fiance?” I suddenly feel more irritated because I can feel the fire working itself up from the pit of my stomach, flushing my face. 

“Well  like you,  I needed to get some air and I’m sorry to have startled you. And we also didn’t get a chance to get to know each other..properly” He added softly.

I suddenly feel ridiculous, something I rarely feel. This is my sister’s fiance. Why do I feel that I can’t get to know him better. I should feel relaxed and get to know him yes, nothing wrong with that. After all, he’s going to be like a brother soon. Yes…I am being silly.

“Yes, you’re right. We’re started off on a wrong footing” Nodding towards the house and smiled. ”  I’m Sarah, and I’m an artist” I shove my hand out.

” I’m Adam and I’m a chef” He takes my hand, but instead of shaking it, he kissed the top of my callous fingers.

And at that very moment, the world changes. The carousel turning at a slow pace, they mould into one,  the sun rises in the desert and she’s only covered in a sheer caftan, her nakedness clearly defined. Her fingers spreading over he’s perfect muscular torso..her fingers trailing the heartbeat tattooed on his chest..She’s in sync with him and feels the drumming of every beat..

That move took my breath away and I stopped breathing, everything else stopped, I couldn’t move, I was busy losing precious oxygen when he came up and looked at me, he’s face inches away from mine.
I heard his husky voice saying. ” Sarah, I suggest you stop licking your lips and close your mouth before I do”

“Uhh uhm” I stuttered, licking my lips, god dammit!

“I was hoping you’d do that” With that he leaned in and brush my lips, making me whimper and leaning forward I close my eyes, waiting for the onslaught. I can smell his minty breath. He pulled my bottom lip and I moaned. I’m vaguely aware of his hand travelling under my t-shirt, resting on my hip, unknowingly finding that erogenous zone, the pulse between my legs is becoming stronger than the one in my chest (sweet mother mary!)  All the blood racing to below my navel, creating a steady pulsating between my unsteady legs.

He looked at my chest rise and fall and like on queue, my nipples hardened and desperately trying to free themselves from my sport’s bra. As if he read’s my mind, he pushes up my t-shirt with my bra and captured a nipple between his teeth, nibbling, slowly sucking, flicking my nipples making them as hard as rocks!


As if in a trance he’s eyes hooded, he hungrily continue to suck,  equally giving attention to both breasts. I started shaking, wanting more. With my head back, I savored that moment, vaguely knowing that what’s happening is all wrong. 
But that very moment it felt absolutely right! 

I feel him reaching for the buttons to my jeans and all I can think of, is him reaching for that hot and damp spot, opening and prodding…I moaned as his long fingers finally found my spot, expertly knowing he’s way around.

I can feel him throbbing against me, rising to the occasion. His other hand cupping my ass, pressing himself into me. It’s primitive, I’m losing all senses! I start writhing against his hand all the while he is kissing me, sucking my tongue, nibbling my lips. He knows I need release. 

“Please” I whimper.. I was breathing so fast by now, moaning against him.

“Yes!” “I want you Sarah’..” I heard his urgent whisper.

And with those exact words, I jolt awake! I felt like I’m waking up from a nightmare, I pushed him away. Touching my lips and hurriedly pulling my shirt down.

“! I’m sorry..uhm I should never have allowed it, please forgive me”

“Sarah you did nothing wrong” he tried to reach for me but I jumped around him

“You know this is right, it feels right..Sarah!” I heard him calling. I practically ran towards the house feeling ashamed!

I didn’t notice Cindy until I bumped into her….

Oh no! What did she see! Did she hear anything? How long has she been standing here… I can feel roaring in my head, the world is spinning. 

This can’t be happening..

Not again…


Happy Birthday My Poplap

I promised you I’ll write about you..

Well, here goes…a short but very sweet one๐Ÿ’—

You’re hardly sweet pffft. I look at you and I still marvel in your stubbornness, wit and intelligence. From the first day I layed eyes on you, you never let me out of your sight. I was the cow and you were my calf. Yep, that’s exactly how it went down.๐Ÿ˜‚  We were joined at the hip and it was very difficult to leave you anywhere. You hated driving and used to cry all the way to Cavendish and back home. The minute you couldn’t see me, you would bring the house down!๐Ÿ’ฃ๐Ÿ’ฃ I had to take you everywhere I went…yep even the toilet๐Ÿ˜ซ

All curly and Girly๐Ÿ’—

I remember trying desperately to wean you and having to go on a  week long business trip, I thought this is it, I’m finally going to get back my precious body parts๐Ÿ˜Š But a week  of discomfort was quickly forgotten the minute I picked your tiny body up and you moaned into my chest. I was lost, all resolved caved and I was back to being your nurturer. And I’ll do it all over again!

It’s My House, and I Live Here๐Ÿ™‹๐Ÿ™‹

Your creche days lasted all but 5 days๐Ÿ˜ And I’m grateful to have gotten the most caring nanny in the world! Shukran Maya, we’ll always be grateful for you. You’re part of the reason why Yumnah is the young woman she is today๐Ÿ˜˜

People say you’re the split image of me growing up and I believe that now. I can certainly see the strong minded, opinionated, stubborn and ambitious young girl growing up to be one helluva force to be reckon with. You’re gorgeous my POP LAP, and I’ll Love you forever. ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

Remember…Love deeply, don’t settle, respect your siblings and parents and stay true to yourself.  I thank the Almighty for granting you another year, and I wish you a prosperous life.  You’re beautiful my Love๐Ÿ’—

Mini Me๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ’ž

Onvoorwaardelike Liefde

Sy sit voor oor, gebuig en rug krom

Haar gesig met permanente lyne

Maar steeds n gesig vol liefde

Haar lippe glad en sag soos myne

Sy kyk op en glimlag, en dit maak my dag

Vol liefde is haar druk, en ek smag vir dit nog elke dag

Ek mis jou 

Ek verlang na jou wysheid

Ek moes ma geluister het
Jou arms was my le plek

Dus waar ek veilig gevoel het

Jy vryf my kop, en ek is weg

Jy soen my op my voorkop en sus my aan die slaap

Ek vra n duisend vrae, ek wil verstaan

Dan sy jy, “Laat dit maar gaan”

“Ek is lief vir jou, en dit is al wat saak maak”

Jou woorde het my gestil

Jou liefde was goed vir my siel

Hoe wens ek jy was nog hier

Ek wil jou net trots gemaak het

Ek mis jou 

Dit was altyd net ek en jy, hand aan hand

Ek mis jou eindlose vingers

Altyd sag, warm en geknoop aan myne

Nie weer was daar n liefde soos joune

Jy was beeldskoon, binne en buite

Jou vel was sag, jou hare dun soos die wind

Hoe wens ek jy kon sien

Maak ek jou trots?

Ek mis jou 

Die pad was swaar sonder jou

Ek probeer om te onthou

Die herrineringe is nog vars, dus soos gister

Ek verbeel my ek ruik jou 

Ek mis jou

Ek wil regop loop soos jou

Trots en met n glimlag

Ek is hier deur jou

Ek is die moeder wat ek is vandag, deur jou
Hoe wens ek jy kon hulle sien

Jy sal trots gewees het

En dus omdat jy my moeder was

Jy was my voetspore, jy was my alles

My hart is seer

Hoor jy as ek praat? 

Sien jy as ek treur?

Ek mis jou

A short poem in memory of Getrude, Susan Kleinsmith. Happy Birthday there in Heaven๐Ÿ’—

To My Best friend

My Serendipity

My Serendipity


Like honey and bees

Like a cool summer breeze

Like a hand fits a glove

You are made for my Love

My friend, together we make perfect sense

I still remember seeing your scrawny ass for the first time. You were wearing a blue jerseyย  and a black pants. All skittish, and hardly made eye contact. I immediately knew I’m going to like you but that it will be a challenge to engage with you because you a typical Taurian…don’t trust easily. But the persistent Capricorn won you over. And I still thank my lucky stars ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

You had high hair… heeeheee

Thin waist, nice shapely legs, pearly white teeth and perky ass ๐Ÿ™‚ A more perfect behind I’ve never seen again, ever ๐Ÿ™‚

We became two peas in a pod :-

We shared everything, well except for clothes. You had no size and I was huge in comparison ๐Ÿ™‚

I remember our giggles in the attic
The sharing of life’s lessons
How we regularly stripped Cavendish
And dining at the finest, strapped in the finest ๐Ÿ™‚
Heels klicking , funky and always smiling, reveling in our steadfast bond that not many have the opportunity to experience.And yet we have such a big age gap, but never was it visible because you have a great mind, a matured mind that always think out of the box!

I was there when you were sad, you were there when I was sad. Although it’s hard to see when you are. You have this innate ability to always smile. If you didn’t,ย  then I’d know something is wrong. You are not a talker – I loved/love that about you. We could be sitting next to each other and not say a word and it will feel like we having the longest conversation ever.

Catching up felt like Making up…Always good ๐Ÿ™‚ Love, love

We would silently watch a movie and boom would start shouting and directing the movie until the end! There would be non stop laughing and hysterical giggles of how stupid the victim was and what we would have done instead!!

We both have an extremely vivid imagination!
I say ” I have toothache”
You say ” oh…so the minions are walking up the stairs into your mouth armed with ice picks”
I sayย  “yeah..and with precise rhythm they start to carve their way..bang bang bang ”
You say ” with lights on their foreheads, they decide to expand..forging ahead in the darkness, searching for new territory…bang bang bang”
I say ” stop! I can’t take this pain anymore!”

Lol, and that’s how we rolled…completely crazy!

I remember my V6 and how we used to speedย  through the roads, Whitney blaring at top volume and we singing to “Heartbreak Hotel”“It’s not right, but it’s ok” !!!
How we frantically would look for Na-eem in between the clothing rails, on all fours chasing down the imaginary dog – oh my gosh! How funny was that ๐Ÿ™‚

The bonnet could hold the weight LOL


We used to come back from another successful shopping spree and lay on your bed. You on your side with your hand under your chin..I’m on my stomach, legs swinging and we would share thoughts, advice… were always so easy to laugh with!


(Oh my gosh, let’s not talk about the stream of gifts and how we got it and what role you’ve played in it..we would laugh about it until our stomach hurts ๐Ÿ™‚ ) OMG, I can’t look!

That was our signature. Gucci has never smelled so good on anyone else. And whenever I buy my perfume, I think of you.

You have such a good heart. We went through a big storm and I knew since then that if we survive that, we would survive anything!


I shared my biggest secret with you, amongst others and I that is how much I treasure your friendship. Because I know, you’ll take it to your grave.

You’ve never been one for small talk and shit and I value that immensely. I love you Fafs. You one in a million friend.


I only want happiness for you. You needn’t have to pull at the shorter end of the stick.. you needn’t have to wait around for anyone. You should be adored and carried on a platter strewn with gold dust. You should be put on a pedestal and be preserved. You should have trillions of minions serving at your beck and call. You are made to love. Demand it and conquer it ! You are a Love magnet ๐Ÿ™‚

You were one of the best things that ever happened to me!

Me, Faiqah and Cindy…we looked as good as the spectacular view ๐Ÿ™‚

You’re my Serendipity
You the calm and I’m the storm
I talk, you’ve always listened
You don’t judge, you give advice
You have a brilliant brain! Thank God for putting you in my path. You’re one of the sexiest woman I know, with impeccable taste.

I will love and treasure you forever..

Call on me and I’ll be there, don’t be afraid. Please believe me when I say…you can count on me

This I wrote for you with lots of LOVE ๐Ÿ™‚