Collages of Love


I feel his soft fingers trailing up my leg, leaving a path of saluting hairs, leaving me confused and wanting. Wanting him to start again or moving on..hoping he goes where I want him to go, where a volcano is slowly hissing, coming to life.

” You have beautiful toes Sarah”

“No I don’t” I said blushing.

He comes in and captured my already swollen lips. I gasped for air as I know what this means. I know I’m going to be loved and I’m not even sure if I love him. All I know is that I fell in love with my sister’s fiance.

I wake up with a start, soaking wet and heaving for air. Oh my god, will the guilt ever go away. Will I ever stop thinking of that fateful day. Will the rest ever become just another part of life. Will I ever forget my mother’s word’s and more importantly, her word’s that followed.

I slowly became aware of my surroundings. For a minute I wished I was in my sunny loft apartment, unfinished paintings posed on aisles, coffee brewing and it’s aroma spilling into every crevice of the place I call home.

But sadly I was in my old room, the surroundings bringing back an onslaught of memories. Memories that brings back so much pain, so much guilt. If only I didn’t. I became aware of the laughter and chatter downstairs and I heard someone calling my name.

I hear Cindy running up the stairs calling my name. For a minute I close my eyes, run my hands through my hair and wish I could forgive myself, just one time, just once so that I can look my sister in the eyes and show her the love I have for her. I can’t even muster that!  It would have been so much better had she hated me, dear God!

Sarah! Guess what!! His parents are coming, oh my god, what do I do..I mean do you think they will like me? What if they don’t? Maybe they’ll think I’m not good enough for their son ”

Oh stop it Cinds, who cannot love you? And besides you’re beautiful, gorgeous, educated and you’re have a good career. Any parent will wish for a daughter like you. So stop worrying ok”

I get her on a sixth pace and grab her, sandwiching her face..”Stop worrying Cinds, it’ll be fine I promise you”

She grabs me by the shoulders, and nervously bit her bottom lip, something she often does when she’s nervous.”How can you be so sure?”

I take her face in my hands ” because there’s nothing about you that anyone will dislike, you are perfect Cindy, he loves you and you’re marrying him and not his family” So stop worrying ok, it’ll work out, you’ll see”

I don’t even know what I should wear, I don’t have anything nice!

Of course you do, in fact I know what you should wear! I excitingly say.

But for now we going downstairs and enjoy the snobs!

“Shhh you shouldn’t say that Sarah” she softly chastised.

 “Please promise me you’ll put on your best behavior” With this she smiles and looked me right in the eye and willed me to a promise.

“Ok, I’ll behave but I’m only staying around for a while. I have an article I have to finish to send off to Adrian”

Adrian is my best girlfriend trapped in a man’s body. I’m sure by now he’s frantically trying to get hold of me, burning his ulcer in the process but also knowing very well that he’ll get the article when I’m ready to send it.

“I’ll be down in a minute.

She gave me a pensive nod and walked out. I’m sure she was thinking of her meeting with the Arabs. I couldn’t imagine my conservative sis going for an Arab. She must love him very much and hopefully he feels the same. With that thought, I get a jolt running up my spine and settling in the pit of my stomach. I literally had to shake that feeling off. And I know it has to do with a pair of smouldering grey eyes. It reminds of a fire burning slowly, spewing flecks of ash around, and mesmerizing specks of gold flames flicking, desperately wanting to come alive. 

Oh shit, I can’t be thinking this way! But it’s hard to get that picture out of my head. It’s so perfect that I need to put it on a canvas. But that has to wait, that yearning to express my imagination, have to wait.

I hurriedly put on some eye make-up and that’s how far as it goes with regards to make-up. My hand goes through my hair and I’m oblivious of the result. I briefly look at myself in the mirror and saw, big blue eyes, turning green at times, an old Levi jeans perfectly cupping my rear,  white shirt, my oldest and dearest jack purcell’s with part of my hair refusing to go down. I shrug and go down to face the high and mighty society. I smile to myself just thinking of how they’ll look at me. 

Some would even whisper behind their well manicured hands “She was always the wild one” and still give me their best pasted on smile. Careful not to crack the make-up plastered on their face. And I’ll then do what I always do, nod and walk away.

It’s going to be a long night! But I’m only doing this for Cindy.

I hear the first gasp as I walk into the expansive dining area. And as if on queue I hear my mother’s heels clicking in my direction. I turn towards her and gave her my best smile.

“Hey mom, you’re looking gorgeous as ever” giving her a quick peck on her cheek.

” and that hair color really suits you” I softly say while leaning into her. As I know she would never want anyone to know that she is dying her hair.

My ploy always works, she stutters and nervously touch her hair.

“Do you think it looks OK?”

“Yes, it’s perfect” I say smiling

She mumbles something and walks off. Probably to find another Barbie to converse with.

“Dinner is ready” I hear our butler saying. I realize then how hungry I was. I find the nearest chair and didn’t wait for any nicety, and immediately started to pack my plate. I hear the familiar murmurs of disgust but paid no attention to any.

” Hi Sarah”

I got such a fright that I choked and started coughing and frantically trying to get air at the same time! People was starting to stare and my mother looked borderline flustered. It didn’t matter if I’m busy chocking, it’s all about her image.

” Are you ok, can I get you some water?”

Oh dear shit, just shut up and stop talking, I’m having a moment here and you’re not only the cause of my discomfort, but you’re making things worse!

I waved my hands in his direction and with tears streaming down my face, showed him thumbs up, that I’m ok. I drank some water and then he lightly cupped my shoulder blade. With that, I spewed out the water and this of course created more ghastly gasps! Shit man, can all this embarrassment just stop! Can he just stop!

When I finally got my breath back, and everyone has decided that I’m just faking my near death, touching their hair and delicately started to pick on their food. One is more afraid than the other, to eat. I decided eating is not for me, well not amongst fake and definitely not near this man who certainly has the ability to cause my death. 

I decided to get some fresh air and to have a much needed cigarette. A habit my mother obviously frowns upon. I walk a few meters into the lavish garden, a sculpture at every corner surrounded by manicured lawns, pruned roses and added in are the delightful smells that wafts through the summer air, a bird calling it’s mate in a promise rhythm. I close my eyes and revel in the fog of beauty that surrounds me, the only place I find true solace, the artist in me feeling giddy with the splendor surrounding me. I fill my lungs with smoke and slowly blowing out circles and watch it disappear into the darkness.

“That is bad for you” I hear someone saying

“Fuck!” I jumped up and my heart felt like popping out of my chest. 

Without thinking I reacted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? First you try to kill me when I was trying to fill my stomach! And now you sneak up on me, giving me a near heart attack” I was unaware of the foul words I’m using and I’m all hands flying, my heart still beating in my throat.

He’s next move was unexpected. My chest still heaving, he step up and reach for my hair, my head following trying to see what it is he’s doing. 

” You have something in your hair”  With that he takes out whatever it is in my hair and even that good intention felt like an irritating jolt. 

” It’s a honeysuckle” he mumbles

“Yeah” I responded, feeling like a complete twit.

” Shouldn’t you be inside with your fiance?” I suddenly feel more irritated because I can feel the fire working itself up from the pit of my stomach, flushing my face. 

“Well  like you,  I needed to get some air and I’m sorry to have startled you. And we also didn’t get a chance to get to know each other..properly” He added softly.

I suddenly feel ridiculous, something I rarely feel. This is my sister’s fiance. Why do I feel that I can’t get to know him better. I should feel relaxed and get to know him yes, nothing wrong with that. After all, he’s going to be like a brother soon. Yes…I am being silly.

“Yes, you’re right. We’re started off on a wrong footing” Nodding towards the house and smiled. ”  I’m Sarah, and I’m an artist” I shove my hand out.

” I’m Adam and I’m a chef” He takes my hand, but instead of shaking it, he kissed the top of my callous fingers.

And at that very moment, the world changes. The carousel turning at a slow pace, they mould into one,  the sun rises in the desert and she’s only covered in a sheer caftan, her nakedness clearly defined. Her fingers spreading over he’s perfect muscular torso..her fingers trailing the heartbeat tattooed on his chest..She’s in sync with him and feels the drumming of every beat..

That move took my breath away and I stopped breathing, everything else stopped, I couldn’t move, I was busy losing precious oxygen when he came up and looked at me, he’s face inches away from mine.
I heard his husky voice saying. ” Sarah, I suggest you stop licking your lips and close your mouth before I do”

“Uhh uhm” I stuttered, licking my lips, god dammit!

“I was hoping you’d do that” With that he leaned in and brush my lips, making me whimper and leaning forward I close my eyes, waiting for the onslaught. I can smell his minty breath. He pulled my bottom lip and I moaned. I’m vaguely aware of his hand travelling under my t-shirt, resting on my hip, unknowingly finding that erogenous zone, the pulse between my legs is becoming stronger than the one in my chest (sweet mother mary!)  All the blood racing to below my navel, creating a steady pulsating between my unsteady legs.

He looked at my chest rise and fall and like on queue, my nipples hardened and desperately trying to free themselves from my sport’s bra. As if he read’s my mind, he pushes up my t-shirt with my bra and captured a nipple between his teeth, nibbling, slowly sucking, flicking my nipples making them as hard as rocks!


As if in a trance he’s eyes hooded, he hungrily continue to suck,  equally giving attention to both breasts. I started shaking, wanting more. With my head back, I savored that moment, vaguely knowing that what’s happening is all wrong. 
But that very moment it felt absolutely right! 

I feel him reaching for the buttons to my jeans and all I can think of, is him reaching for that hot and damp spot, opening and prodding…I moaned as his long fingers finally found my spot, expertly knowing he’s way around.

I can feel him throbbing against me, rising to the occasion. His other hand cupping my ass, pressing himself into me. It’s primitive, I’m losing all senses! I start writhing against his hand all the while he is kissing me, sucking my tongue, nibbling my lips. He knows I need release. 

“Please” I whimper.. I was breathing so fast by now, moaning against him.

“Yes!” “I want you Sarah’..” I heard his urgent whisper.

And with those exact words, I jolt awake! I felt like I’m waking up from a nightmare, I pushed him away. Touching my lips and hurriedly pulling my shirt down.

“! I’m sorry..uhm I should never have allowed it, please forgive me”

“Sarah you did nothing wrong” he tried to reach for me but I jumped around him

“You know this is right, it feels right..Sarah!” I heard him calling. I practically ran towards the house feeling ashamed!

I didn’t notice Cindy until I bumped into her….

Oh no! What did she see! Did she hear anything? How long has she been standing here… I can feel roaring in my head, the world is spinning. 

This can’t be happening..

Not again…


Collages of Love

We are three years apart, Cindy and I. We used to do everything together and people had the idea that we were twins,  how I don’t know. She was the other world, the proper one, the clever academic, the ambitious one, the good child.

I on the other hand only have the beauty, without the brains. I never cared for books or to think hard. I was more of the artist, more hands on. I want to bring a canvass to life, like the journey of the embryo, the sperm entering the mouth of the womb,meeting up with either the x or y chromosome, fusing together and nine months later a human is born.

That’s how I nurture my paintings to life. I plan, I start, I fuse, and my creation is born. Many say I’m  brilliant , I just think I have the vision of a true artist.

I haven’t seen my parents or my siblings for over eight years. My brother is five years younger than me. The mistake baby. My mom and I had a terrible fight before I left for France to pursue my love for art. She thinks I’m reckless, irresponsible and need to settle down with babies. How does that even makes sense.

My mom and I never got along. it was because I was not Cindy, I wasn’t the obedient one, I was always arguing and never accepted the norm, I was never going to give her the beautiful white wedding and the string of grand kids..Unlike her, I want to marry the man of my dreams, the Love that I’ve never seen coming, the one Love that feels right, the one Love that just fits. 

And I am going to create the biggest scandal knowing to man! Unknowingly that is..

I’m sitting high in the sky, contemplating how things are going to work out. How everyone is going to look at me and asking me the same annoying questions. “When are you getting married. “When are you having babies”?  “Your sister is marrying into a good family, they come with money” You should settle down..

On and on it will go. I would eventually stop justifying my way of life, my reasons for not settling down, my reasons for not marrying for fear of making a mockery of a sacred step, because my parents was hardly a good example.

My father is cheating on my mom for all their married life and of course she knows. She even know who the woman is. And does nothing about it. I love my parents ,but I have the sense to know they’re hardly live the life I want to, or lead by example.

As I walk through the terminal I scout for the familiar face of my sister. I realised I’ve missed her and crave the soft hug and the familiar smell of lemon grass, her favorite body lotion. We see each other simultaneously and I’m always blown away by her beautiful white smile that takes her eyes with, they scrunch up into almost slits and her high cheek bones get all rosy,  like pink rose petals and her long mane of black hair swooshing around her face. She’s gorgeous, if only she can see it! We practically run walk to get to each other, I suddenly felt a lump in my throat and I wasn’t sure why. Once again I get a sense of gloom and I quickly shrug it off, not wanting to spoil the short time with my siblings.

“Sarah oh my word, I’m so glad to see you! Oh man how I’ve missed you!” With that we hugged and she gives me a slap kiss on the lips, he familiar smell invading my sinuses and I could feel and taste the vanilla residue of her lip gloss on my lips.

I gave her the biggest hug,  and never wanted to let go again pushing the feeling of gloom away.

“I missed you big sis, you looking good” We were smiling at each other, what felt like an eternity. My hands feeling her face wanting to make sure it was her, she looking me up and down, rubbing my hand, cupping my face, running her hand over my almost non existing crop of black hair, now streaked with red.

” What have you done to your hair!  You do know it’s going to be the topic right..”Sarah must you always be a disgrace” pulling her face and mimicking my mother’s voice. We burst out laughing and she  says “It suits you, you’re looking like the famous artist you are, don’t worry about mom, she’ll get over it ” Cindy always being the enthusiast.  With that she take my hand and fold it in hers. Then she realised that she wasn’t alone.

” I’m so sorry, how can I be so rude..” at first I didn’t know what she was referring to but then she stepped out of the way and I looked into a grey set of eyes. I immediately knew it had to be her fiance.

” Sarah this is Adam, Adam please meet my sister Sarah” she nervously introduced us, half letting go of my hand to take his torn between the two of us..I smoothly slip out of her embrace and extend my hand to her fiance.

” Very glad we finally meeting” he drawls with a very heavy accent. One I didn’t immediately recognised.

His hand shake felt sure and I was immediately aware of how soft his hands were and how immaculate his nails are and I almost pull my hand out of his to hide my artist hands. They clean but always have some paint residue on.

That wasn’t the only reason I pulled my hand away. I felt a jolt from somewhere in my body, feeling suddenly hot and flustered and in desperate need of air. I felt an enormous sense of guilt but shook it off,  because history is not going to repeat itself.

I mumble some nicety and I hear Cindy asking if I’m ok because I suddenly look a bit pale.

” Nothing is wrong, it has to be the 15 hour flight…let’s go, I can’t wait to see Ricky!” The lack of interest into seeing my parents was not mentioned.

Cindy spoke all the way, babbling about the planning of the wedding, about the dress, the cake, about mother’s annoying interference, about Ricky’s latest girlfriend. I made the necessary hmmm’s and aaaa’s and got an occasional question in but like always I was the one listening.

As if pulled by force I look into a set of  eyes. I’ve never seen such smoldering grey eyes with a slight tinge of yellow. It reminds me of threatening grey clouds, with a streak of sunlight peeking through creating a striking balance with those two simple colours. I’ve done so many collages of colours, but never mated those two colours. Without realising, I turn my head to the side in a ponderous motion and I visualize my next painting. I was completely lost in his stare, I could hear Cindy still talking away but have no idea what she’s saying until she calls my name.

” Sarah, do you think it’s a good idea..Sarah! You’re not listening to me”

” Sorry” I mumbled trying desperately to remember what she asked me, but that part was lost to me. And feeling extremely guilty, shrugging off whatever happened now.

” I’m sorry sis, I am jetlagged and my brain is not functioning at the moment, what were you saying ?” I put on my best smile, thanking God that she can’t see the cauldron of emotions going through my mind and how my body has reacted to her fiance’s stare..

From then on for the rest of the way home, I gave her my thoughts and advice and hoping that whatever just happened was never to be repeated. I cannot imagine going through that mountain of guilt again.

As we approach my parents home, my stomach gave unhappy jerkings and I cannot believe that I am no more happy to see them as they are to see me.

My mom was the first to greet us and for a few seconds I was glad to see her. And she was genuinely happy to see me, that too won’t last long. We have that love, hate relationship.

” Sarah my love, come here I’ve missed you terribly” she grabbed me in a big hug and I fleetingly wished I could stay in her arms forever. Get her acceptance and unconditional love, listen to constructive criticism, go to her when I need her guidance, just to have a decent relationship with the woman who birth me.

I thought I saw a glint in her eyes and wondered if she’s hoped for the same but at soon as it appeared, as soon it was gone replaced by complete composure.

” Hey mom, I missed you too”

” Sarah your hair looks terrible, why do always cut it so short!”

” and you’re so thin, do you even eat that side, look at the dark circles under your eyes, and it looks like you live in the sun, I hope you use sun block”  on and on she went..

Cindy rolled her eyes, silently pleading with me to let it go..for now. And I was prepared to do that for her benefit, for the next two weeks I’m going to keep it together for her sake.

” aah there she is, my sunshine” I heard my father’s booming voice.

As much as he’s disappointed me, my heart gushes when I see my handsome dad. Always the prince of night, dashing in a Levi jeans, white shirt with a few buttons opened showing off his tanned, well built chest. He’s white smile has to be the biggest drawing card for many woman. I walk into his embrace and find that familiar, cosy place I’ve spent many days and nights whilst growing up, long before all the disappointments..

“Hello dad, I’ve missed you” and I realized I did and that I’ve missed our bond. I’ve missed the one person who never judged me, who never expected more than what I had to give.

” You looking good Sarah, I’ve missed you too” he cups my face and kissed me like old times sakes..on every quarter of my face. This always used to make me giggle and I couldn’t help to accept the happy feeling.

“Sarah, you must be exhausted darling. Please go freshen up we have lots to catch up to. I’ve placed you in your room” says mother as if it’s organizing one of her infamous tea parties. I smile and nod, suddenly yearning for the familiar smells and decor of the room I’ve grown up in.

At the same time dreading it. But also see it as an opportunity to get some peace for even a short time.

” Yes, good idea. Nothing a hot bath won’t cure” I lugged my suitcases up the enormous stairs and hurriedly tried to get away from the buzz. I felt a stare and I was certain I knew who it was from but refused to acknowledge it.

“Adam, you’re miles away. Come let’s have a brandy before supper” I hear my dad says.

As soon as I’m inside my room, I hurriedly banged it close, hoping that a few minutes of peace will calm my shattered nerves. I close my eyes for a minute to block out that grey stare.

“Oh my god, what just happened.!” I feel myself shaking like a leaf. I sat on the floor behind my door for what felt like an eternity. Eventually I got up and took in my four poster bed, school posters and I ran my fingers over all I’ve left behind, reminiscing and smiling seeing some happy moments.

I then picked up a framed photograph of Cindy and I …with him. I suddenly started to hyperventilate and the memories assaulted my conscious mind and it opened up a flood of emotions I’ve buried long ago.

I didn’t mean to..I didn’t mean to fall in love with my sister’s boyfriend….it just happened. How could something so wrong felt so right…