An Angel in Heaven

Exactly two years ago, driving on the N2 on my way to work and I had this heavy feeling of foreboding..something is going to change my life forever. I never realised it will break me in pieces to an extent that I couldn’t deal with the world. She died approximately an hour after I whispered in her ear, “I Love you Vida”.

Every morning I would pop in to see how she was, her room dim, seeing her thin bony face smiling at me, always smiling. She had that smile, that smile that lit up your entire world. How can such a good person, such a good heart, leave this earth? I have asked God this many times, and I am sure He has answered me in different ways, but the defiant human is still questioning.

I would sit next to her bed, still trying to come to terms that my person is dying. Fighting back heated tears. And she would always say, “It’s ok Kamilah God is in control, don’t be sad, how are you?” And I would struggle to keep the tears from coming because I wanted to be strong. I would say ” I am fine, but I want you to be fine” and then I would get that smile – that smile that still haunts me. She had beautiful long fingers and I would quickly stroke it, give her a kiss and tell her “I love you”. We didn’t grow up with lots of affection, we didn’t know what it was to hug, to give a peck on the cheek, to say I love you or to hold hands – so much so that the last few days of her life that we gave affection, was still a struggle. A friend of mine said the other day ” we had to adapt” and that is the truth.

Vida and I fought so many battles, we crossed so many stormy seas; we laughed so hard that tears stream down our faces; we shared secrets; we struggled for survival, and this was the foundation of our bond. A bond so strong that no one could break. We met when I was 4 months old and she was 12 years old, working and providing for her/our granny at that tender age already. Vida was like a rainbow of happiness, like a magnet of goodness. There was not one person who she didn’t get along with, there wasn’t one person she spoke badly of, there wasn’t one person she judged and never has she forerake’d anyone a plate of food. That was my Vida, my smile, and my happiness.

I hoped that I was prepared for her leaving this earth, leaving behind her children and grandchildren, leaving me behind. I prayed that I Am once again going to be that strong person. That one who would be sensible and would make everyone else understand that she had to go and that I wouldn’t want her to suffer like this, but I couldn’t be. This was one life event that knocked me hard and it stripped me from my layers of strength.

I pray that her soul rest in peace and I pray that as the time goes on that I would mend, that I would accept that she had to go. Today her death anniversary has broken me down in pieces again. The pain is still raw, I still miss her and I cannot stop crying, reminiscing about our lives together.