The Emancipated Woman (Fiction)

There it was again…that breeze of my past, that smell waking up monstrosities from my subconscious. I try to shake the fog from my head, and I wished it was that easy. Overindulging never agreed with my system but I wanted to prove it wrong – always so defiant.

That’s when I felt a movement and a hot swoooshe of sex air. Oh shit, did I do it. Who was the lucky bugger that had the pleasure of popping my bud? Aah shit, I can’t even turn around to see who he was. Every bone in my head is saying “hell no bitch”!

That’s when I sunk back into the soft pillow, puffing up on both sides of my face almost completely hiding my face from ‘him’. The throbbing in my body subsided and my heartbeat increased. I realized the enormity of what I have done – what I allowed to happen.

Then>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am back in my beautiful kitchen, silence enveloping me and adding a few more lines to my resentment towards life. The question I asked myself over the years. Who am I. why do I feel like I want to do the craziest things? Why do I want to jump up and get onto the dining table surrounded by 15 people and shout “what the fuck are your problem, mother fuckers”? Was it really their fault? They don’t know why I’m feeling this way and they will probably never understand because to them I am the dutiful wife, sister and daughter to this well-off family. To them I am the successful attorney that made my mark on their podium. That was probably what scored me the browny points.

I’m listening to Karen White singing Superwoman and I’m relating with every melody and with every word. This was the album he bought me – how ironic. How perfect it describes everything I feel after ten years of marriage. How is it that I am still here, basking in a blanket of unhappiness? Or am I the chicken with my head in the sand.

My body screams for affection, my mind is hungry for intellect, I want to dance in the rain, I want to be happy, I want to have sex with a stranger. I don’t want to be fighting for wanting to be who I really am. I am sick of having to agree to judgements. I don’t give a fuck who is wearing what or who made it to pilgrimage or who graduated as the second doctor in the family. I just want to be me! I don’t care about stuff. I want to breath free.

Now>>>>>>>>>>>

My scarf feels heavy most times. It gets discarded as soon as I am far away from them. I lit my cigarette and I roll up my skirt to show off my long sexy legs. I always stayed fit; I always swam. There were some things I didn’t allow them to take away from me. But was it really them forcing me or was it my need for acceptance? Did I create something that wasn’t? I slowly exhale the smoke from my lungs, hanging my arm out by the window and feeling the wind pushing through my fingers. Briefly closing my eyes. Freedom. I should just drive and never go back

“Good Morning Boss”

I acknowledge my chirpy assistant with a smile.

“He is waiting for you in your office”

“Oh”

I can feel how the heat travels from my toes, right up to the crown of my head. I am vaguely aware of a steady throbbing in my loins. I hide my blush, squared my shoulders and walked into my office. For a few hours I will be a free agent from the family demons. From the pretense and silence.

I jump at the sound of my ringing tone, heart racing I answer

“Hi mom, please remember there is a parent meeting at the school tonight”

“Hi Nate, No I didn’t forget my boy. Are you ok, is something wrong” I am starting to panic and my conscious mind refused to accept that there are no danger bells

“Mom, mom! I am ok, please calm down. I promise I am ok. I just wanted to remind you to not be late tonight. The meeting starts at 18h30”

“Oh ok, no hmmm I’ll be there” I took a deep breath to calm my racing heart.

“ I love you Nate” Nate was my pet name for him.

“I love you too mom”

Now>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I could feel the remnants of his fingers trailing down my thighs, walking his fingers over my knees – oh my god, that’s one of the spots! He stops and look at the tiny scar on my knee. I can feel my face burning up together with the heat pooling between my legs and I can feel how I’m tipping over the edge…very slowly. Forgotten was the widow with three boys, living amongst the wealthy skyscrapers, walking around with a smoldering abaayah. I am back to being that wild, scarcely dressed teenager from the Bronx.

I look at how my legs moves apart, something that I couldn’t believe was my doing. I would never…right. No! that is exactly who I am. That is the itch deep inside that needs to be scratched. That bud needs to explode. He knows my needs. He takes me away to a place I belong, where we belong. As if in a tranche, I see his head disappearing between my legs. I hear my shallow breaths and with each one I take, the desire to tip over is closer and closer.

Then>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I turn around, hiding my embarrassment and knowing what’s to come. And him being sated, doesn’t change the outcome.

“Leilah, what is wrong with you? It’s like you are someone else.”

I could hear the disgust in his voice, and I am sure it will be visible in his face. I hear him leaving the room and with that, a piece of my soul is chipping away… falling in unison with my tears, down a dark abyss of emptiness, loneliness and my self-worth waning each time he invades my body. It was never about me. I am not a woman to him, just a release mechanism. And every time I sit on the shower floor, scrubbing my skin, hoping the layers of disgust will disappear, hoping that next time I will be who he wants me to be.

Now>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I feel his sweet breath behind my ear and suddenly my big desk looks like a bed of roses. A bed where I want to be exposed on. His beautiful smell invading my sinuses, I’m not sure whether it’s his smell or the anticipation of knowing what’s to come, that is making me feel dizzy. I feel every bit of hair saluting in my neck, a good feeling vibrating down my chest and hardening my nipples in an instant. His hands clasping my arms and he puts a soft kiss in my neck. I can’t help but close my eyes and softly croon, willingly giving into the onslaught of pure lust.

“I want you to surrender to me, I am not him and there is nothing wrong you with you Leilah. He’s dead and he will never ever make you feel less than a woman again. You are all I need; you are all I want. You are passionate, sensitive, sexy and smart. Just feel”

I lay my head back, giving him the sign that I am his. Closing my eyes, I allow myself to feel his every move, his fingers playing me like a violin, leaving a trail of searing heat in its wake. I can feel how the blood flow pools between my legs. I am ready and I know he knows it too. His beautiful fingers find its way to my soaked panties and I close my eyes, I stopped breathing, waiting for the onslaught of disappointment, of hearing the disgust in his voice, telling me I am different and that it is wrong to feel aroused. Making me feel that there is something wrong with me.

“oh my god, you’re beautiful”

I didn’t even realize that I am on the bed of roses, exposed to a man for the very first time. I sigh of pleasure escape my lips, he looks up to me with hooded eyes and that very moment, I knew I am a woman. I am his woman

He is not a stranger, and I didn’t wake up from a bad dream. He popped my bud and therefore is mine for the taking

“No one is allowed to measure your worth”

Reclaim Your Heart

An insight from Yasmin Mogahed

I remember walking into a bookshop 5 years ago thinking hmmm I need some Soul Food. Not romance, not drama, not action, not suspense but something to soothe my Inner self and balm for my soul.

The following is such a powerful extraction of the book I finally chose. And I remember reading it about 5 times and even shared it with some colleagues of mine, hoping it will have the same effect on them as it did on me. For some it didn’t and that was ok too. We’re not all on the same spot in our lives.

“Why do people leave us”

When I was 17 years old, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting inside a masjid (church) and a little girl walked up to ask me a question. She asked me, ” Why do people have to leave each other?” The question was a personal one, but it seemed clear to me why the question was chosen to me.

I was one to get attached.

Ever since I was a child, this temperament was clear. While other children in preschool could easily recover once their parents left, I could not. My tears, once set into motion, did not stop easily. As I grew up, I learned to become attached to everything around me. From the time I was in first grade, I needed a best friend. As I got older, any fall out with a friend shattered me. I couldn’t let go of anything. People, places, events, photographs, moments – even outcomes became objects of strong attachment. If things didn’t work out the way I wanted or imagined they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn’t an ordinary emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of the table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.

However the problem wasn’t with the vase, or even that the vase kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.

Yet the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us.

Our weight was only meant to be carried by God. We are told in the Quran: “…. whoever rejects evil and believe in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an, 2:256)

There is a crucified lesson in this verse: that there is only one hand-hold that never breaks. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment, and security. That place is God.

However, this world is all about seeking those things everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth, some in status – it’s important what people think. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. In her book, Eat, Love and Pray, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own quest for happiness. She describes moving in and out of relationships, and even travelling the globe in search of this fulfillment. She seeks that fulfillment-unsuccessfully-in her relationships, in meditation, even in food.

Ultimately, the question was about the nature of the dunya as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place where people are with you today and leave or die tomorrow. This reality hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We are made to seek what’s eternal. We seek this because we are not made for this life. Our first and true home was Paradise: a land that was both perfect and eternal.

And so we create ageless creams and cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to hold on – in an attempt to mold this world into what it is not, and will never be.

We must also realize that nothing happens without purpose. Nothing! Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warning signs that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. We need to detach. We need to let go. Pain is a form of detachment. Stop loving dunya.

People leave us or they die. We get divorced after 20, even 30 years of marriage. People stop loving us, even we fall out of love. Break free from the shackles of Life. Nothing is eternal.

These two last sentences are what resonate and gave me that much needed shock therapy, if you like, to make the necessary changes within myself. I’ve been angry and sad for too long now. I want to be sad with a smile. I want to hold onto the beautiful memories and to look forward to see those who, I believed left me too soon🙏💞

Recovering me😊

Just Do It !

Muse #69nike

• Read more books this year. I bought two new books yesterday (which I don’t have space for, but that’s not something we talk about today 😌 🤓)
• Complete a 21km race before the end of 2019. Eeeeek, considering that I first have to master a 15km, this goal seems a bit far off. Well, I have 12 months left 💪🏃
• Appreciate the good people in my life, trust again, love again and stop over thinking. Not every man is the same. ❤💞
• Get that writing going again girl, to at least three-quarter way by end of July. Self publish…yes / no..🤔
• Plan and save for an overseas holiday with the kids for early 2020🏄✈
• Work less, sleep more and worry less about not worrying , because there’s actually nothing to worry about. 🙏
• Maybe buy a new car. I can’t imagine letting go of my monster baby..nooooo😧

a friend is someone who will not stop until he finds you and bring you home

No Rain, No Rainbows

Alpha and Omega

Muse#111

 

There’s a beginning and there’s always an end to everything..it could be a bush of roses you planted a season ago but it wasn’t nurtured on the right spot.

It can be a friendship that was never true and stripped of loyalty.

Or it can be a relationship that was never meant to be.

And it can be an end to a life of a loved one.

Life is sad, it gives you bumpy rides but it also grant you beautiful moments and endless, unforgettable memories, and those are the essence you hang onto.

Forget about the disappointments, let go of the regrets, stop focusing on the heartache and learn to trust again and maybe even learn to love again.

Life is so short, we all know that but yet we don’t take the hint. Live for the moment, be yourself, be by yourself and own yourself.

 

Your identity belongs to you only. Mourn, cry hard, go through the dark pit of endless sadness and one day be brave enough again to move on. Not everyone is meant to stay. As much as it hurts, it was probably never yours.

My life is mine, I want to enjoy the sunshine, the runs, the sweat and forget about the anxiety of trying to be happy, of trying to be what others wants me to be.

It’s a feeling of complete liberation and contentment. Stop the dictation. Don’t force belonging. Love is continental and being In Love is Forever.. and remember, there’s no unconditional love as you come unconditional.

What does She Want

#musing 69👅69

I’ve been struggling to write this story and there’s a few reasons for it…

Work, travel, work, presentations, work, interviews and work.

Right, so..the biggest issue really is..Where do I start!??

And, wait for it..I’ve decided to give my input around some of my favorite love songs: The plots will be build around it💋

I listen to Tamia’s song and I use it as a synopsis to write the first inset.

So don’t bring me roses, bring me the truth
Don’t buy me diamonds cause that just won’t do
Material things I can buy myself if I really want to
I need something special, I need something new
Just give me you

Now this is what every woman wants. Just be real baby, no bullshit. I never had the worry of wondering, is this real or isn’t it, merely because, I’ve been in a marriage for almost three decades, and happily divorced I might add. Have I been in love? Yes, I’m sure I was. If truth be told, I’ve been in love many times in my life and I’m sure you can say the same, right. We fall in and out of love as often as we change our underwear or hair color. If it’s soiled, we discard of it, if we see a grey strand protruding and refusing to go unnoticed, we make it disappear until the next time.

That’s exactly what we do when we fall in love. It’s a temporary connection. One minute it’s here, butterflies and all and the next it’s pooof gone away! It’s not permanent and it’s definitely not love. I am fiercely independent and of late I feel that I’m losing that characteristic because I’ve become dependent on you, you and you. The problem with that is that as abruptly I’ve accepted it, just as swiftly I’ll walk away. I love flowers, but I can really get it myself. In fact, I’ll probably do a far better job in choosing the color of the Tulips💅

So don’t come with jokes. Being older and so much wiser makes the radar even more stronger. Just be you. I don’t want pretence, I want the real thing, a real man.

I’m not one of those woman who hangs onto a man and maybe it’s because I’ve never Loved. Loving someone is the real of being In Love. Real love only comes around once in a lifetime. Maybe some of us are lucky enough to Love again. Yeah well, I’ve met a guy and I sometimes feel I’m overly cautious , I over think things, I question every thing and I don’t trust and believe enough. Well, it’s a process. It’s a road to recovery, of trust and commitment. I never want to live in fear that he will leave me.

I don’t want to be his slave, instead I want to be his queen, the bling I do for myself and by myself.

Intimacy:

This is probably my favorite subject in a relationship. For starters I enjoy intimacy. I think it’s a world on it’s own. It’s your playground, you can be Cat Woman, Sharon Stone, Halle Berry or even Marilyn Monroe. All these gorgeous sex goddesses who portrays the goodie lady in the street and the sultry whore in bed! Oh yeah!

We want to be just that, or we need to be just that. Take out the whip and feel free to dominate, why not? It’s my bedroom, it’s my world BOOM💣

I’ve never trembled in my life
Heard about it once or twice
But now I’m shakin’
And I swear the shakin’ feel so nice..Says Karyn White

So let’s define the complexity of what we want our intimate life to be. We borderline confused, we give mix signals and we don’t tell him what we want..where, when and how to touch…and just enough😉 Remember it’s proven that men are wired differently than women. It’s annoyingly a fact of life, accept it and direct🔛

Women have sex for a few reasons..they feel obligated to make him feel like the man. They see sex as a platform to stay connected to him.

We want it during the Mid-cycle Heat, which is a shorter version of :

1. Genital blood flow increase the most during ovulation. We’re on fire baby🔥🔞
2. We get a greater satisfaction of an orgasm during that cycle♋
3. Our libido is at it’s peak👅, no wonder it’s evolution way of spurring procreation😀 heehee, hell no I’m done with babies but #juststatingFacts

My point is, we should be feeling this way all of the time. Sexiness should be owned, and ours forever. Start telling him what you want even if we want to be cuddled, our backs rubbed and our hands held. It’s really sad that we are unable to communicate about something so important in a relationship. It’s the intimate part of our lives that are fiercely important and a lack of a good intimate life creates a draft that gets colder and colder and eventually it’s iced and we’re don’t even know it. We jump into bed, lights off, we strip half way (no man) and we lay waiting as offerings.

Instead , should we not be playing, should we not flash😉, should we not touch, feel. Should we not start whispering sweet disgusting nothings (it’s for your ears only right) during the day, setting the platform for what’s to come, wink wink. Do we want more or do we accept two minutes and have him snoring in two seconds. Huh?? That’s not what we want you ass-hole. Well, that’s when we take charge and make the change, get rid of the autonomy, the boredom and the norm. PowerPuff Girl!

I want to be touched all the time and I want to be touched even if he’s hands can’t reach me. The latter is explosive! Just imagine…. you can have that hot connection , when you can feel him, even if he’s not around.

You talking to him, but yet he’s touching you. Beautiful!!! Absolutely orgasmic💕

What she wants is not mediocre, it’s Real💋

🤔 I just had an idea…! I think I should do a blog on “A Healthy Intimate Life”. I’m no Dr Ruth, I’m Kami👙👠💄

Unconditional Love

The question is, do we understand what this is.

We all want unconditional love and is that at the beginning, during the middle phase or is it where we start to hang onto threads…the End.

No it’s all wrong!

We came with Unconditional Love. What we should seek is self love, messy love, sweaty love, broken love, crazy love, whole love but unconditional love..naaah we came with unconditional love and we should stop telling ourselves that we’re seeking Unconditional Love!

We should all rise as the beautiful Phoenix, be fabulous, flawed and gorgeous.

Love should not have other adjectives or need modifications. Love is truth and it doesn’t need perfection.

In fact, if you expect me to be perfect or perfectly in Love then you should walk away. I’m too flawed, I’m too broken, I’m too sensitive, and I am loaded with passion. You’ll find nothing perfect here. I want to be loved as hard as I love💟

Love ask for you to show up, do your best, stay present and feel! Dig deep down and feel..close your eyes and feel. Feel how my love vibrates, how it connects, stay in the moment and feel my passion. It bounces off like waves. It’s not perfect but it’s real.

I don’t seek unconditional love. All I want is to fly, laugh, cry, shine..I want to work hard and Live!

All I want is for Love to be true

All I want, is to be true

If I lose, I want to cry, I want to hurt, I will fall;but I will certainly get up.

I will heal because I Love.

You didn’t come here to master unconditional love – That is where you came from and where you’ll return💟

Live and die as you..And that is plenty.

It is enough💞

“Find a heart that will love you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest” (I love this Quote)

What a man wants

#Muse 69

Why do we define our partners?

Is it because we want them to be someone other than themselves , instead of letting them be who they need to be…?

Let them be who they need to be in order for the relationship to function like a well oiled machine.

We let our insecurities mess up a marriage, a relationship or a partnership. Why do we live in fear, why do you confine him to you. A partnership is about trust and commitment but we squash it, we choke it, you tie him to you and like that we tire him out. We don’t allow him to be the man. Sex is only when we want it, other times we have a headache, we had a long day, we’re still miserable cos somebody or something pissed us off. We’d rather hang onto to that temporary, negative, insignificant emotion than wanting to do something that will make you feel better. That will make him be the man. And hell no, I’m not saying just do it to get him to function (been there, done that shit) but let go of the shit day and be that partner for him, for both of you.

Now I’m not saying that I’ve been the perfect wife. In fact I always wanted to be in control and I can be very demanding, I can be very challenging. I wanted to wear the pants, maybe not by choice but once I took the reigns there was no way that I was prepared to give it back. And that was one of the mistakes I’ve made. I then took control of everything and everyone. Where we buying a house, when to have the babies, when we having sex..I set the pace, I did the discipline I oiled the machine. And yet I blamed him for not being the man. No, that was not he’s fault. The mistake he made was to not hold onto the reigns. Yes there’s so many other facets that contributed to him losing the reigns..did we talk enough, did we make time for one another, did we understand, did we grow together, did we plan together. And this whole relationship thing is about balance. I feel I’ve invested more time into raising my kids and having a career than making enough time for us. Then I see some who makes it ALL about him and you and him, than the kids and you. The point is, there should be a healthy balance. It’s about you, him, the kids, the career, the understanding, the time..And let me tell you something..It’s hard to balance. But you cannot make him your obsession, you need to stop nagging, you cannot just make the kids happy and it’s not only about your achievements and your goals.

I look around and I see some woman’s angst when there’s a woman in the company of their boyfriend, partner or husband. They practically hang onto their other half, if they could block his view they would , if she could sit on him she would, just so that no woman can look or talk to them.. it’s frightful and irritating. I hang my head in shame. What happened to being intellectually challenging, have a sense of humor, stay sexy and you’ll always be attractive to him, have empathy after he had a long day. Keep it going! Mxm

I always felt I needed time out with friends, I wanted to have a night out with girlfriends, to laugh, to share to catch up but knowing I’m going home to him and I’ll see them next time…whenever. So why can’t we allow him to have that time out? I could, I allowed that but it was never reciprocated. WHY? Is it our insecurities..why would we have insecurities in our relationship. Is it because we know that WE not doing enough?

Are we? Or don’t we? Why do we stop having fun when we have kids, why do we neglect our intimate life? I’ve sat in so many conversations where women have the perception that “he just thinks it’s about sex.’a relationship is not only about sex”. No that’s where we get it wrong. Sex and intimacy plays a very big role in any relationship, it’s where you connect, it’s your playground, it’s where you communicate with your souls, it’s where you express your deepest desires…just with him. 💟 It’s where you literally can be whomever you want to be, it’s your dark room. It’s your fantasy, is where you’re not the one in the pinstripe skirt and being the rigid corporate. But yet we all make that mistake, including me. We think the times that is being dictated by us are ok for him. It’s not. We create a rift, we create that disconnect and once we lose that disconnect it’s very hard to get it back.

Just like we need the romance and the flowers, just like we want to be told we looking good..he needs that intimacy. Remember men are wired differently to women and yes I know you all know it. But we have babies, we get fat and we lose our groove. We tell him what to do. We chain him, we don’t let him be his own person because we fear we will lose him. Well let me tell you something…don’t phone every five minutes, don’t accuse, stop nagging, stop obsessing, stop trying to cover up where you failing.

Cos then you will lose him….

Many women thinks a man wants a weak, self absorbed, Barbie doll. No, a real man wants a woman who will inspire him,cos she has great things going on in her life (yes have a life!) who has a purpose other than being in a relationship.

Why do we rob one another of our Identity? I have seen so many divorces since I got divorced. And the sad part is, it’s older couples like me and you, and much older. That’s sad isn’t it. Hell no, I’m no relationship expert, but I see so many wrongs and that’s probably because I’m on the outside looking in. So this is really my experience coupled with some advice for what it’s worth. And reasons for divorce varies. It’s never a clear cut “oh he had an affair”, …..naaah it’s never just about that. I always say, people have affairs for a reason. Do you respect him the way you should have. Did you let him be the man. Were you selfish. Did you make enough time for him. Did you allow him “me time”. Did you wanted to mould him into a mini-you. Was he the man?

He’s a man for goodness sakes. Let him be the man. Stop looking where he’s looking but rather where he’s not. He wants to have downtime and more than likely with you too. But then it’s about him and not you. Marriages ends for so many other reasons. We grow apart, the monotony continues, we get bored, we’ve stopped talking long ago.It’s only me, me, me and me.😳

I look around and I see so many who are trapped. I see so many failing and hanging on for the wrong reasons. Everybody deserves happiness. If the spark is gone, you’ve inadvertently flicked the switch. You’re out of love, you don’t love but only survive.

What a Woman Needs.……next💅